Last night my husband and I began our 8 week Strong Marriages, Successful Ministries small group at Fuller, and oh my goodness, it's going to be amazing! It's led by a professional marriage and family therapist, and is a group of 4 couples who will be walking through topics such as conflict, boundaries, decision making, how to balance family & church etc. It comes out of her lifelong work as a Christian therapist in a town where many of her clients were clergy or church staff whose families were falling apart. When her husband got a job at Fuller, she wrote a proposal for being able to run these groups on campus and of course it was approved. The information is relevant to any couple, no matter where they are in life, and since I have SO many friends getting married within the next year or so, and so many newly married friends, I thought I'd share a bit each week about what we learned. Last night was mostly introducing ourselves, talking a little about what we learned from our parent's relationship about marriage coming into our own marriages and why we wanted to be part of the group, but Sharon did about 10 minutes of teaching that my husband and I loved and have been talking about since. So for all you couples out there, here's your "Marriage Moment" (or two!) for this week :)Our "Us"
When two people get married, there are still two individuals with ways of thinking, decision making, likes, dislikes etc. But now, there is also a third entity in the midst of them: the "us" that's been created. It doesn't get rid of the individuals, but it's like a new child. That "us" needs to be cared for, learned about, fed, nourished, and protected or it won't survive. And we do this by learning to think like "us" rather than as individuals who have our own ways of doing things. Here's kind of how this works, I'll give you the example she gave us because it applied to our marriage as well :) On Sundays after church, Sharon almost always wants to come home, not go out to lunch with friends. She wants to rest, be with her family, get away from people since she's been with them all week etc. Her husband on the other hand almost always wants to go out to eat. If they were to make the decision on their own, those are the decisions they would each make individually. When we get married though, we need to start making decisions for "us," and we need to start asking the question, "what is best for our 'us' today?" Because honestly, sometimes it is important and good for us to say no, come home, and enjoy a quiet day around the house. And sometimes it is important to say yes and fellowship with people we worship with. Both are good. So when we start to ask what does "us" need this week, we're helping make one another more whole people who are thinking beyond our own immediate desires, helping the other do something good that is outside what they think they want. So answering this question for "us" might mean asking 'how much money do we have in the bank? how much do we need to get done around the house? do we find the people who invited us enjoyable? how much have we eaten out this month?' This takes the question away from "what do you want and what do I want" (which can often end in a stalemate) and moves it towards "what is best for us as a couple this week?" We laughed because we have frequently had this discussion after church ourselves--and on weekend evenings when social plans come up :)
Compromise is a Bad Word
This was the other brief tidbit we loved last night, that we wish we'd known a year ago! We often think when two people are struggling with a decision (say, who to hang out with on Friday night) it's best to just compromise. "We hung out with my friends last Friday so this Friday we can hang out with your friends or do what you want." Sounds like an okay plan, it sounds fair, but what we were cautioned against is that often compromise is just a nice way of saying "competition." When we make our decisions based on compromise instead of based on what is best for our "us" we often end up (whether we are consciously aware of it or not) keeping score in our minds. I know we did this a lot at first trying to meld our two lives together, it felt like we were trying to just keep things fair rather than asking the question "what do we really need, what is best for our us?" It becomes a subtle competition where we're opponents and there's a score card to keep in mind. Rather, we are to think of our marriages as grounds for cooperation, where we begin to think like "us" and as we do we are transformed more into the image of Christ.
There you have it friends, this week's Marriage Moment :)
When two people get married, there are still two individuals with ways of thinking, decision making, likes, dislikes etc. But now, there is also a third entity in the midst of them: the "us" that's been created. It doesn't get rid of the individuals, but it's like a new child. That "us" needs to be cared for, learned about, fed, nourished, and protected or it won't survive. And we do this by learning to think like "us" rather than as individuals who have our own ways of doing things. Here's kind of how this works, I'll give you the example she gave us because it applied to our marriage as well :) On Sundays after church, Sharon almost always wants to come home, not go out to lunch with friends. She wants to rest, be with her family, get away from people since she's been with them all week etc. Her husband on the other hand almost always wants to go out to eat. If they were to make the decision on their own, those are the decisions they would each make individually. When we get married though, we need to start making decisions for "us," and we need to start asking the question, "what is best for our 'us' today?" Because honestly, sometimes it is important and good for us to say no, come home, and enjoy a quiet day around the house. And sometimes it is important to say yes and fellowship with people we worship with. Both are good. So when we start to ask what does "us" need this week, we're helping make one another more whole people who are thinking beyond our own immediate desires, helping the other do something good that is outside what they think they want. So answering this question for "us" might mean asking 'how much money do we have in the bank? how much do we need to get done around the house? do we find the people who invited us enjoyable? how much have we eaten out this month?' This takes the question away from "what do you want and what do I want" (which can often end in a stalemate) and moves it towards "what is best for us as a couple this week?" We laughed because we have frequently had this discussion after church ourselves--and on weekend evenings when social plans come up :)
Compromise is a Bad Word
This was the other brief tidbit we loved last night, that we wish we'd known a year ago! We often think when two people are struggling with a decision (say, who to hang out with on Friday night) it's best to just compromise. "We hung out with my friends last Friday so this Friday we can hang out with your friends or do what you want." Sounds like an okay plan, it sounds fair, but what we were cautioned against is that often compromise is just a nice way of saying "competition." When we make our decisions based on compromise instead of based on what is best for our "us" we often end up (whether we are consciously aware of it or not) keeping score in our minds. I know we did this a lot at first trying to meld our two lives together, it felt like we were trying to just keep things fair rather than asking the question "what do we really need, what is best for our us?" It becomes a subtle competition where we're opponents and there's a score card to keep in mind. Rather, we are to think of our marriages as grounds for cooperation, where we begin to think like "us" and as we do we are transformed more into the image of Christ.
There you have it friends, this week's Marriage Moment :)
