From the moment I held that little plastic stick in my hand watching a "yes" show up in the little window, I have somehow become the queen of second guessing myself. Oh not the decision to have a baby, I've never thought twice about that, even in the toughest of times over the last few months. No, the decision to try for a child is not something I've ever second guessed. It's all the other ones! I've always known I'm a bit of a rule follower, I have always had a consistent idea of the do's and don'ts that have governed my life. I like to do things by the book. I just had no idea how that was going to impact me as a Mom. You probably have realized how many books on parenting, babies, and every topic related to these there are in this world. A lot. No longer is there one trusted go-to resource that all parents rely on (I'm not sure there ever was, but there really isn't one today!) When in the hospital we heard from many different nurses, doctors, lactation consultants, and child-educators about all the things we "should" do with our baby or definitely should not do. By the time I was discharged my head was spinning with information, some of it that directly conflicted with information someone else had given me. I was a mental mess, feeling so overwhelmed and completely at a loss as to what to do with my little bundle of fussiness that came home with us from the hospital. People kept telling me "feed on demand," and "you can't spoil a baby this little," but then other books I read kept telling me "don't nurse your baby to sleep or he'll never sleep without it." Some books said "let your baby sleep with you or on you because that's where he's most comfortable." Others said "you have to teach them from day 1 how to start putting themselves to sleep." On and on it's continued--advice that sounds great and logical that directly conflicts with other advice that also sounds great and logical (and some that just sounds downright crazy to me). I would literally lay awake stressing about what advice to follow for a given situation, and I was driving myself crazy.
Until I received the best advice I think I have ever gotten when it comes to parenting. I had called my uncle, a pediatrician for 30 years and a father of 4, to ask a few questions about sleep, and what is "normal" for a baby Aidan's age and how to help him sleep a little better. He talked for a few minutes about sleep in general and then said "Sarah, there is no "should" here. There is no one way to raise a baby or feed him or help him sleep or 'train' him. Aidan is going to be who Aidan is, and if what he's doing is fine with you, who cares if it's on track with what the books say he 'should' be doing. You need to trust your instinct. You know him better than anyone on this planet, and you get to be the one to decide what he "should" be doing." Tears came to my eyes as I felt the weight of trying to get my son to fit into the mold of what the "experts" say a 3 month old should or should not be doing be lifted off my shoulders. He's healthy, he's fine, he's growing and learning and getting to know the world around him. I wasn't a bad parent because I couldn't get my baby to sleep the way the books told me to. (as an aside, after many conversations with other parents I have since decided that the people who write the sleep books on babies are kind of full of crap. If a huge majority of 3 month old babies actually slept the way the books say they "should" be sleeping, no one would buy their books because no desperate sleep deprived parent would be on amazon looking for solutions at 3 in the morning!)
My uncle went on to tell me that he does tell parents there are some non-negotiable things in parenting. Your kids absolutely have to know they are unconditionally loved by parents who will always be there for them. Your kids need to be safe and protected, in their beds, in a car, while eating or playing--you can't just ignore car seat laws because you don't want to be told how your kid "should" be strapped in. However, the biggest gift he gave me that day is he helped me realize my job is to let Aidan be Aidan. It's not my job to cram him into some mold that some "expert" who will never meet my son set up. He said he tells parents that if what their baby is doing is working for them and their family, then don't mess with it--don't change what you're doing. It's when a baby's behavior starts to negatively impact the mental health or well being of the family that changes might need to be made with the help of a pediatrician. (Aidan went through a stage of waking every 45 minutes, all night long, looking for mommy to nurse. As you can imagine, this was negatively impacting me big time and led to us needing to think about helping him change his eating patterns a bit). I've felt the freedom in the past week to change some of the ways I'm working with him when it comes to sleep, and all of a sudden, when I relaxed and really thought about who this little person is and what I already know of his little personality, and made the appropriate changes, we're all sleeping a little better. I made some decisions and changes with him that I never thought I would, but I'm okay with that. My guess is when we have our next baby some day I'll have to make different decisions based on his or her personality, but I think that's what makes a wise parent--someone willing to look at their individual child and adapt parenting decisions based on those observations. I think there will always be "shoulds" in parenting, and it will always be tempting to compare our kids with others, but I am going to do everything in my power to remember my uncle's wise words--"Aidan is going to be who Aidan is, and your job as his mom is to learn who that is and adjust your parenting to him. And above all, trust your instinct, you really do have what it takes to raise this little person, even without all the books!" I know there are so many other new moms out there feeling the same way--so bogged down with information, with "shoulds" and "should nots" and who are quietly feeling guilty about making a parenting decision that doesn't line up with what the "experts" say. My hope is we can all free ourselves just a little bit from that kind of pressure and trust our instincts. God created each of these little people uniquely, and we get the joyful, amazing, and sometimes difficult process of becoming students of the children He has placed in our lives.
Oh Sarah, you hit this one right on the head and, let me tell you, I have gone through the exact same revelation with Matthew. It is crazy and infuriating how much "expert" information DIRECTLY conflicts with other "expert" information, especially when it comes to sleep. I think the information is helpful on a large-scale sense so that if and when you need it, you know where to get it (or it's in the back of your brain or bookshelf from when you read it as an overly ambitious pregnant lady).
ReplyDeleteAfter 9 months of raising my little baby boy, my perspective is this: read the books and then forget about them. They'll be there if you really need them, but they are written by people who are not experts on your particular baby (just as you said). I feel similarly about when other parents give advice about what has worked for their babies in the sleep department...wary of following their advice because THAT baby is not exactly like THIS baby.
I am like you -- a rule follower, a perfectionist, a high achiever. I want to succeed, especially as a parent. And it's frustrating when (it seems like) you can't make that happen. Happy to hear about your newfound sense of freedom as a mom. Thanks so much for the reminder that our job as new parents is to let our child be who he is, not who some book says he should be...Amen to that!