Living Life Around a Table

It's not a secret if you are my Facebook friend or have read any of my writing on here that I adore feeding people, having people over for dinner, sharing conversation around a table.  Before we had kiddos that had to be put to bed, I loved nothing more than having another couple or two over, pouring another glass of wine, letting the dirty dishes just sit until late into the evening as we shared stories, laughed, and lived life together.  I think food brings people together in a powerful way, and I think a table is a beautiful symbol of community.  Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist is one of my all time favorite books, and it's about this very thing--how amazing it is when people connect with one another over food and around a table.  Now that we have little kids, dinner parties look a bit different!  There is a flurry of unloading sippy cups, finding extra booster chairs, cutting entrees into bite sized pieces and then wrangling everyone to the table to fold hands and pray together.  We eat quickly, with the dads usually having to get up from the table first to chase little ones into the play room in order to referee preschool squabbles.  They chat as they build race tracks and set sharing timers.  My friends and I finish eating and begin the kitchen clean up, nursing babies and packing up the sippy cups before it gets too close to bedtime.  Leisurely conversation isn't really part of our evenings these days, it's chaos but it's still connection, and it's so so important.

One of my goals for Lent is to make sure we make these connections once a week--with different families, but still inviting people to our table.  The food won't be fancy--most likely it will be one of the meals pulled from my freezer with a salad added, but I'm learning that's okay.  Life doesn't always have to be fancy and not every season in life is made for wine glasses and burning candles on a table.

Last night I had the chance to sit around a table until way too late into the evening having my soul filled.  The leadership team from our MOPS group a year ago got pretty close, and back in November we randomly got together one evening at one of our homes.  We each brought an appetizer, we wore sweats, nothing was fancy or really even homemade (thank you Trader Joes!).  We sat around a dining room table for 3 hours simply sharing life.  We laughed until our stomachs hurt, we chatted about raising babies, husbands, books we've loved and even how to be prepared for the next earthquake.  It fed us.  That evening someone said "we need to do this again.  How about once a quarter?"  So last night it was my kitchen table we sat around until almost 11.  People brought trader joes appetizers, I baked slice and bake cookies, we wore yoga pants and sweat shirts, and I spent a good chunk of the evening bouncing my 8 week old as we chatted, and when I climbed into bed that night my heart was so full.  It's not very often moms get to have uninterrupted conversations, but when the 6 of us gather around a table we do.

Jesus invited us to his table, he told us to break bread and share it with one another and remember him as we do.  He promised that where two or more are gathered in his name, he is among them.  We broke pita last night and dipped it into lentils and olive tappenade.  We poured sparkling water and tap water, we passed plates of cookies and bowls of fruit salad.  And he was there, right in our midst, as we laughed, asked questions, shared stories and headed home with both our bellies and our hearts feeling filled.

Loneliness and Facebook-Land

We've all been there.  We've all felt that deep aching pit in our stomach when we realize it's Friday night and everyone has plans but us.  We have all been left alone in our college dorm room realizing everyone else already went to dinner with someone else and now we need to go alone.  We have all experienced the feeling that everyone else is getting married or has a date or is involved with a great group of friends and we're the odd one out or we're the one at the wedding without a date.  I find it interesting that sometimes we can find ourselves feeling the most lonely when we're surrounded by people.  We can be at a party and all of a sudden realize we don't seem to fit--everyone else looks like they belong but for some reason you don't, and the loneliness creeps in--maybe slowly at first, but then settles like a heavy black cloak over our shoulders for the rest of the evening.

This has been a lonely season for me.  A few things collided in life at once--I moved back into an area where I have several friends, but those friends created new friends and found new community while I was gone so the place my husband and I filled in their lives has been filled by others.  Which is okay, and probably how life should be, seasons of friendships ebb and flow, but in many ways I feel like I'm kind of starting from scratch in the friendship department.  I have met some incredible young women who have been a HUGE blessing and lifesaver as I've ventured into the world of parenthood, but as anyone who has moved to a new place will attest, it takes time to feel known.  I'll be honest, people told me before I had a baby that staying home all day with a newborn is tough--especially for extroverted people, but I never really thought that much about it.  Until I started living it.  It's tough being home alone for sometimes 12+ hours with no one to talk to but a little person who just fusses back at you.  Or I go out and try to be social but the baby gets fussy or is distracting and I never get to feel fully present with the friends I am with--my attention is divided if Aidan is around.  I suppose that's how it should be, but for someone who used to have regularly coffee dates with people where we could chat intimately for hours without being distracted, it's been a tough adjustment.  I hate that I have turned into a terrible listener and a half-present friend.  It adds to the loneliness, to be with people but not feel fully there, for me makes me feel more alone. (Maybe I'm alone in that??)

But, this isn't a pity party :)  I have been reflecting lately on a new element of our culture that I think often contributes to loneliness for a lot of people -- that being the invention of all these social networking sites like Facebook.  There's this phenomenon of "checking in" wherever you are and then "tagging" the friends you are with.  At first glance, this isn't a terrible concept, it's kind of fun seeing who is out where.  However, more than once, I've seen friend's posts about being at parties or events or movies or restaurants with other friends of mine, and I've found myself thinking "why wasn't I invited to join them?"  "Do they assume I can't or won't find a baby sitter to get out sometimes?  Or do they genuinely not want me around?"  Or I'll see a post made by a friend about the fun they had with other specific people and while I am glad for them, I find myself feeling left out.  I'm not sure the creators of this new element of Facebook intended for this to contribute to people's sense of loneliness or isolation, but inadvertently I think it has.

Friends of ours told us that they were contemplating leaving their church because people in leadership regularly had dinner parties and gatherings and hung out together--and always posted photos from their events, and always "checked in" and "tagged" who they were with--and it led this couple to constantly feel hurt and left out...they are leaders in the church too, why were they never invited?  Did they not make the "A" list?   It was bad enough that they literally thought about worshiping elsewhere.  Hearing their story and knowing how I've felt this past season has made me wonder how we can have fun and use these fun features and networking sites, but still be sensitive to other's feelings.  I am sure I have caused others to feel left out from something I have posted, and I think this might be something we all might need to be more discerning about.  Yes it was a fun event or double date or movie or outing with friends, but I wonder how much of that actually needs to be made public?  I'm not sure I know the solution, Facebook is a great tool, I just know how I've felt lately when reading friend's posts about where they went, who they went with, and how much fun they had while I was never invited.  It stings.  Maybe this is the adolescent part of me creeping back out, but that voice is still there--still saying "people are too busy to be your friend, but look at all the fun they are having without you."

I've heard several teens comment on this--how it makes them feel when their friends are tagged at events they never knew about.  Facebook is here to stay, and I'm not sure what the solution is--but I'm curious what others think.  Have you ever felt left out looking at photos or seeing status updates about events you weren't invited to?  Do you think it's not a big deal and we don't need to worry what others think?  Other stay at home parents out there have told me (and I can FULLY attest!) that sometimes Facebook makes us actually feel more connected to the world--we can't leave our houses because of nap time but we can at least communicate with others throughout the day.  But do some of you also feel resentment because you're home with a sleeping baby (or a fussy baby who refuses to sleep!?) while others are out having fun without you?  I'm just curious how folks feel, it's definitely not a problem that is solvable by a blog post!  And with that, I'm going to go celebrate the fact that my son IS sleeping and eat ice cream with my friends from The West Wing keep me company on this evening home alone :)

Hellllo Sunshine!

I thought I'd share some photos from this past weekend since it was pretty much the nicest weekend we've had since moving here! Enjoy our latest adventures!

Friday afternoon Missy & I headed over to Whidbey Island for the start of the annual girl's weekend. The rest of our friends had to work and come later Friday night, but we arrived about 4, took a walk on the beach, and then made dinner together.Our meal was delicious if I do say so! I found butternut squash ravioli at Safeway that had an amazing alfredo/sage sauce. It was heavenly. That and a great salad, sliced apples and carrot sticks made for a fantastic start to the weekend--especially eating together on the back deck!We had brought everyone's food and luggage over in our car, so we set up the cabin while waiting for friends. The snack table was the most important :) We made cookies, guacamole, had fresh fruit, chips, crackers and plenty of beverages to choose from. I don't think anyone went hungry this weekend!Relaxing Saturday morning--reading, massages, sunlight, coffee. We were each assigned a meal to shop/prepare for, so Heather and I made a delicious breakfast of her famous pancake puff, fresh blueberries, bacon, and orange juice/mimosas. The tide was out Saturday (not as far as I've seen it go out but it was out enough for a great walk!) so a walk on the beach was the next activity after breakfast. I have so many memories on this beach--it's the beach our family would go to every summer--I have so many pictures of us as little kids climbing those sand dunes :)Leslie, Jen and Heather on our walkJen was in charge of lunch, and oh my word did she make the world's best sandwiches! Apparently they are sandwiches her husband makes often, and we will be too now that we've been introduced to their amazingness! Start with a large sourdough roll, pile on fresh mozzarella, turkey, and then a bunch of vegetables (red peppers, cucumbers, shredded zucchini, red onions) that have been soaking in olive oil/balsamic vinegar. The bread absorbs the balsamic, so instead of mayo or mustard the main flavor is sourdough and balsamic with the mozzarella and turkey undertones. Heaven I tell you, simply heaven.Darbee, Heather, Jen, Missy, Lynn, LesliePost lunch reading on the deckI had to leave after lunch on Saturday because of the U2 concert that night and I was teaching Sunday school the next day (the rest of the gang stayed til Sunday). The mountains on the ferry ride home were incredible. It was a gorgeous night for a concert! It was our first time to Qwest Field--I loved the view of downtown from it! The 360 degree stageLenny Kravitz openedBono...we heart him...

Monday's Musings

I know it's been awhile since I've really posted anything, especially anything of substance. We have been busy, but I don't think that's the main reason I've been a bit quieter here in cyber space this past month or so. I think I am still feeling out life here in this new community, in my new role as the wife of a church staff member, and as already a fairly visible volunteer (they handed me a 12 week adult Sunday School class and I've been here for a grand total of about 10 weeks now--any thoughts I had about observing the culture here anonymously are long gone!). I definitely am doing a lot of thinking and processing, almost all the time, but I am choosing to censor my thoughts a bit more--not at all because they're bad or overly critical, but because I haven't figured out yet exactly where lines are that I'm going to accidentally cross and inadvertently offend someone with some random theological statement or comment about a given ministry program. I've always tried to be authentic about who I am--and for me a huge part of that is what I think about ministry and theology--and I don't want to loose that, but for this particular season I'm trying to figure out what that means exactly in cyber space. So! For now, here are a few random thoughts or updates that I know won't get me in trouble :) (I don't pretend these next paragraphs are connected to one another in any way!)

It's finally public and I don't have to keep the secret anymore! I am going to be an Aunt again!! Little miss Lily is going to be a big sister in October, in fact Megan is due with baby #2 the same week of Lily's (and her own!) birthday. The week of October 15th is going to be a busy one in the Backman household from now on! I am ridiculously excited for them and can't wait to find out if we'll be having a little niece or nephew in a couple months!

We found a delicious little coffee shop about .8 miles from our home--well really we've driven by it multiple times a day but just had never gone in. A few weeks ago we walked down to Pearls and found out they make delicious crepes, which we have now partaken of two different Saturday mornings. My personal favorite is the strawberry, nutella, whipped cream crepe--yup, a very healthy breakfast! They also made a great ham, spinach, cheese crepe that was pretty fantastic.

We've been the recipients of a LOT of amazing hospitality these days! We've been invited to share meals with a ton of families from church in the past couple weeks (and have several more lined up for the next month!) and we have been loving it! A couple weeks ago we had a delicious Irish meal with our associate pastor and his wife (who is from Ireland and cooked for us over St. Patrick's week). Last night we enjoyed Mexican food at a great restaurant on the waterfront with a couple who volunteers regularly with the youth, this morning we had brunch at the home of our senior pastor and his wife and spent about 3 1/2 hours sitting around their table sharing stories from our lives. Tonight we got to spend another 5 hours sharing conversation around the dinner table with another family. Next Monday we're having a meal with two of the older couples in our congregation who we think are just delightful--we had actually invited them over to our house to have an opportunity to get to know folks outside the youth program but they felt bad we were inviting them over and flipped the invitation on us! Next Tuesday we have the chance to have a meal with a family who has two middle school students--we are so humbled and honored by all the hospitality and invitations! We felt bad when a family said they wanted to have us over on a Saturday & we had to tell them the first available Saturday we had was at the end of the month! Sharing meals with people, being in each other's homes, hearing their stories, sharing our vision of youth ministry & pieces of our stories--these conversations are so rich for us, and we are so grateful to be in a community that seems to value this as well!

My first of a 12 week Sunday School class on The Good and Beautiful God was yesterday, and I think it went pretty well! I had fun with it at least! I had 22 folks of all ages show up--six of whom were young adults in their early 20s which was what I was hoping would happen--to give them a space they can belong and connect with older adults on Sunday morning that is less intimidating than some of the other adult classes. I'm kind of intimidated at the idea of teaching a 12 week class--that's kind of a long time, but I'm excited too. I really do love the book, and LOVE the people who showed up for conversation, so I am looking forward to a rich spring quarter.

I realized I haven't been to visit my parents in Minnesota since a year ago Christmas, so when I found out my grandparents are going to be out there the weekend of April 15th, I decided to head out there that weekend as well. Charles isn't able to join me, but it will be great spending time with my grandparents and being "home" again (even though I never lived there, "home" for now is wherever mom's garden is blooming!)

Next Tuesday I have the opportunity to guest speak in a class at SPU--my mentor from Bethany Pres, Dianne Ross, who is the children's ministry director there, is teaching a class on children's ministry at SPU for the spring. She's asked me to come in and talk with her students about the theology of children in the context of a family. Most of my thoughts will be coming straight from Chap Clark's Intro to Family Ministry class that I've now sat through multiple times as a TA, but still, teaching it and listening to it are two different things!

I've discovered an amazing new book that I'm reading--One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It really is worth it, if anyone needs a new book to savor. Last week I spent quite a bit of time reading, one night Charles didn't come home til 11, so I had several hours to sit in the quiet of my living room with candles lit and enjoy her words.

Saturday we had the chance to celebrate Darbee at her bridal shower, which was very fun and held in a gorgeous home up in Edmonds overlooking the water. Saturday night we spent the evening at our neighbor's house playing games (a new one, 7 Wonders--it was a great game!) with some of their friends from college--gotta be honest, it was really fun being with people who weren't Christians, who aren't connected to the church--it was quite refreshing!

Anyways, I think that's enough ramblings for one sitting :)

Remembering Praise

It's been a week of grief around here, what a strange juxtaposition from this weekend of joy celebrating Jenn & Sandeep's wedding. Our friend Praise passed away very suddenly on Monday afternoon, leaving hundreds of people shocked and struggling at various levels with intense grief. She had been traveling overseas in Singapore and Thailand in the past few weeks, and the doctors suspect she contracted some kind of virus that began spreading through her body. She didn't know she was sick until Sunday at church, went to the ER, was admitted for having trouble breathing, and passed away 24 hours later when her lung collapsed and her heart stopped. And the doctors still couldn't figure out what it was that was attacking her body, or how to treat it. I know her family is in complete shock, along with the church community she grew up in (here in the area) and Fuller's campus. Praise graduated from Fuller with me in 2009 and just began a job working in the office of admissions here. She was extremely active with the youth at her church, and thanks to facebook I've seen the incredibly raw grief these kids are struggling with--not understanding why this happened to someone so absolutely incredible. To be honest, we're all struggling with that question. None of us understand, and that feeling sucks. She was a surfing buddy of Charles' their whole first year here, and made incredible efforts to reach out to me, to bring me into the surfing community even if I didn't actually ride waves. Praise didn't care, she just loved people so much she simply wanted them around and included. From the moment I met her (and learned that her name really is Praise, that's not a nickname!) I was always a little in awe of her. She is one of those people who absolutely radiates pure joy whenever you come into contact with her. She loved Jesus passionately, and she took seriously His call to go and love the least of His children, to give a voice to those who had none. Praise teamed up with the Sold Project an organization that is working around the world to prevent child prostitution and to empower people to act out against this horrific trend happening around the world. Not too many 28 year old women spend their breaks from work/school in places like Thailand working to bring light and justice to incredibly dark places. Praise adored being at the beach, playing in the water, taking pictures, experiencing the beauty that surrounds her. And now she's with Jesus, experiencing the unimaginable beauty that awaits all of us, her brothers and sisters in Christ someday. She loved taking jumping pictures--photos in famous place of people jumping up in the air. Someone wrote on her facebook page after she died "I can almost hear you asking Jesus to jump so you can take his picture." What a photo that would be! But the rest of us are sad. Are so so sad. It's been a long time since something has hit me like this, and I think for Chuck too. I am so grateful that we're able to grieve together, that I had a man who is willing to sit with me as I weep, who will reach out and walk with me as we both struggle to come to terms with this. And honestly, we're angry. This isn't right. There is no reason someone as incredible as Praise should be gone. There have been some beautiful moments that have come since her death because of her, but that doesn't make it easier. We're grieving alongside many of our friends, and it's been a rough few days for all of us. We miss her, her laugh, her beautiful smile, her genuine "how are you doing?" that she'd ask as she met you around campus. We were saying that it seemed like Praise lived more life in 28 years than most people do in a full lifetime, which is so inspiring to us. I know Chuck wishes he could go catch waves with her this weekend, instead of going out with their other buddies in memory of Praise. We were talking the other night about how sometimes it seems like when you name a child, their name ends up being a bit prophetic. There truly is no other way we could describe your life, dear friend, than a life of Praise.

marks of a truly great friend

I wish I could take credit for this, but I can't. The delightful writers over at Dirty Sexy Ministry wrote this little tribute to friendships, and I had to share. I'm blessed to have several such friends in my life--so this goes out to you all who know who you are :)

Jesus makes that stirring speech to his disciples, probably more than just the 12 guys who get lots of press in the Gospels, but also to the women and men who've been his companions for the years of his ministry, about no longer calling them servants, but calling them friends. With Facebook and social politeness and just our general conversation, we often forget that being a friend can range from a general acquaintance one met at a conference and you email on occasion to a person who has been a fixture of your life for years and you are thankful to God that s/he was guided into your life by the hand of the Almighty.

We might not bother to reflect in detail, but there are differences in the friends in our lives. And the best ones, the most treasured ones, are truly gifts, because they can do the following:

1. Tell you that your butt does indeed look fat in those pants. Or that skirt makes you look five pounds heavier. Or that haircut isn't really you, but it will grow out. They are the people who love you enough to prevent obvious attempts at public embarrassment.

2. Tell you that the guy/girl you are dating is less-than-stellar BEFORE you break up. Haven't we all had those friends who tell us after the aforementioned diversion into crazy-date-land that he wasn't really good enough or they never really liked him or they wondered what exactly you saw in him? After? A great friend, the dearest ones, will pose that before you get too far down the road of insanity, risking that you may not agree. Or that they may be wrong (and if they are, they'll say...eventually).

3. Think a three-minute call in Wal-Mart about the lady in very tight spandex in the check-out line in front of you is a perfectly reasonable use of mobile minutes.

4. And think an hour phone call about something you've talked about another three, sixty-seven, or one hundred and twelve times is okay, too. Need to process the horrible sermon you just preached for the twenty-third time because you are really working out your perfectionist issues? Okay, they'll listen. Another round of what the hell was I thinking the other night, even though you just talked about it? I'll listen. And they will also love you enough to eventually ask why you're really upset.

5. The truly great friends know sometimes it's what you aren't saying that's often most important, and they'll listen until you're ready to say it. And they know you well enough to know what the silence means.

6. Never leave you out on the edge of creation alone. The great friendships are equal. You talk about the time you got stood up at your high school prom? S/he's right there with you, telling you how leather pants were a bad choice for the summer family picnic.

7. Never miss an opportunity to see you face-to-face, especially for those of us whose jobs move us across the diaspora. Three hours is nothing to laugh together over lunch at Cracker Barrel, because it's the only restaurant half-way and you can sit together at a corner table for hours, catching up and just being with each other. And between the face-to-face, intentional contact is a given, not just a haphazard, "Oh, I should call." The great friendships don't just happen; they take commitment from both parties.

8. Have a dialogue with each other for life. Conversations don't really, truly end with the great ones. We talk, then continue, because the conversation keeps going. I remember a year ago realizing the other blogger on this site was a great friend when I realized we had all these wonderful, funny, common stories with each other. And she makes me laugh until soda comes out my nose.

9. Will try to talk you out of foolishness, but if they aren't persuasive, they'll either walk down the path with you or wait for you until you wander back on your own, and they'll have a supply of band-aids, a bottle of wine, and a hand to hold while you heal. They'll also do the same when you just go through a really tough time, without trying to fix anything, but just sitting with you in the Land of Suck.

10. Remind you, without saying a word, that you are loved, wholly and completely, just as you are. And that you matter in her/his life, too.