A Song of Reorientation

Disorientation, Reorientation. Feeling lost, discombobulated, confused, sucked into a whirlpool of chaos, followed by a turning right-side up again. We see this pattern over and over again in the Psalms--the psalmist will cry out to God from the midst of a vortex of pain, confusion and fear. He’ll cry to His maker “where are you?? When will you act? Why can’t I find you or hear you or see your face??” His honest, heart-wrenching prayers show us his lostness, in fact there’s an entire grouping of Psalms named by scholars “the Psalms of Disorientation.” These are some of my favorite passages in all of scripture, the prayers that give me permission to cry out to God in the midst of my own disorientation in life.

Thankfully, there is another grouping of Psalms that fill the prayer book of the bible. The Psalms of Reorientation--psalms and songs of praise that turn the confused and lost person back to face the One who is still in control. Prayers and poetry that reorients us and our lives, that helps us turn our faces back towards the One who reminds us that when we pass through the waters of life they will not sweep over us because God is our rock and our redeemer.

As we journey through life I’m learning that it can be difficult to stay oriented sometimes. Life feels chaotic. The world throws a lot at us. Disappointments arise and change occurs sometimes faster than we would care to see. This past year has felt like one giant spiral of disorientation for us. We began work at West Side on Jan. 18, and from day one we found our heads spinning with big events to plan, long-standing traditions to effectively pull off (and not “mess up” as we were told by numerous people), dozens of people to try and keep happy because they all believed themselves to be my husband’s boss, and a system of leadership and power that refused to engage in conversation about anything different, outside the box, or remotely new. By February we were exhausted, and that clear vision that we went in to this church with grew fuzzier and fuzzier. The swirling busyness around us kept us from being able to stay oriented to the vision of youth and family ministry God had given us in our time at Fuller. We found ourselves aimless, disillusioned, and doing everything we could to keep our heads above water. This isn’t to say God hasn’t done, and isn’t doing work within this community, but the way we have come to understand ministry, discipleship, outreach and worship were so vastly different from what was happening there that it became impossible to keep ourselves firmly planted.

The first weekend in June my girlfriends and I went out to spend the weekend on Whidbey Island to retreat away together. As my dear friend, Missy, and I were driving up the island looking for our turn off a song came on her ipod and she said “this is my song of reorientation.” I wasn’t sure what she meant by that and she reminded me of the Psalms--how there are psalms of disorientation and then psalms of reorientation that help us refocus in the midst of feeling lost. She said that this song had become her own personal “Psalm of Reorientation,” and that has stuck with me all these months. The song was called “Our God” and was recorded by worship artist Chris Tomlin. As I listened to the lyrics I found tears springing to my eyes. Life felt so painful at that time (we didn’t know this at the time but it was a week before our time at the church officially ended), and the lyrics of the song washed over my thirsty soul like a beautiful, moisturizing balm.

“Our God is greater. Our God is stronger. God you are higher than any other. Our God is healer, awesome in power, Our God. Our God.”

Simple words. But so true. In the midst of the swirling chaos around us we belonged to a God who was our healer, who was greater and stronger than any power structure, church system, or set of traditions that were thrown at us. As we’ve wrestled through the incredible pain of being abruptly asked to leave a church community, the pain of realizing we trusted people who betrayed us, the confusion of questioning our call to ministry, and the anger and disillusionment we’ve experienced being treated so poorly by someone we thought we could respect in ministry, this song has become a healing chorus for me. I’ve listened to it on repeat a lot, and I’ve come to a place where I am beginning to declare “yes, our God IS greater and stronger and higher and more powerful than anything going on in life.”

Fast forward a few months to October 23, our first Sunday in our new church community. We take our seats and wait for the announcements to be given before we rise to join together for our opening song. A familiar chorus begins to emerge from the pianist’s hands and then the words appear on the screen. “Our God is greater. Our God is stronger. God you are higher than any other...” Two Sundays in a row, our first two weeks here, this was our opening song in worship. Experience after experience has shown us that as we serve here, this place is meant to be a place of reorientation for us. We love it at this church, more than words could ever express. From the schedule and calendar that are in place for the youth department (SO much more manageable for the volunteers and staff!), to the way the senior pastor embraces change, worship, leadership and mentoring, to the refreshing messages we’re hearing every Sunday morning about being open to the Spirit and moving forward and doing church differently.

In the midst of a season of so much chaos and transition and pain we are finding ourselves beginning to feel our feet back on solid ground. We still haven’t moved into an apartment. Our belongings are still in Seattle. I still don’t have a doctor to deliver this baby in 8 weeks. We own nothing for this kiddo other than a box of clothes my grandma has sent. But we are okay with that (most days, some days I cry a lot!). We know that in the next 8 weeks things will continue to fall into place, but more importantly our souls are beginning to find rest. We’re finding ourselves coming out of the whirlpool of the past 10 months, we’re catching our breath, and we’re looking around saying “this feels right again.” Our God is faithful, just as he promised he’d be.

28 Weeks--Hello Third Trimester! And Hello New Home!

Wow! What a whirlwind! One month ago we didn't have any job offers on the table, didn't know where we were moving to (although we knew we'd be leaving Seattle, there weren't jobs available up there), didn't know how all the health insurance would work out/transfer so I could deliver our baby boy in a hospital here in LA, not in the northwest, and had no idea what we were going to do with our house. It's kind of amazing how God works sometimes. A job as a youth director literally fell into my husband's lap (thanks to some great friends who already work at this church and were looking out for us), we flew down, interviewed, were offered the job two hours later, and three days later had accepted. In the past couple weeks we have packed our entire house (except for the furniture being used to "stage" the house for potential buyers), moved all our belongings into our garage and out of cupboards, closets, and drawers, put our house on the market, loaded up what would fit into our car, drove down I-5 and made it from Seattle to LA in less than 2 days, and Charles has now started work at our new church. Phew! No wonder I feel a bit exhausted and disoriented! An older couple from the church has graciously allowed us to stay with them for a few weeks while I apartment hunt for us, and we have already been invited to dinner with a couple our own age in the congregation (we're excited to have friends!).

Our little man is now the length of a Chinese cabbage apparently--about 14.5 inches long I think? He's getting bigger!

Everything about our beginning here has felt different. Everything. Those overseeing the youth program have re-scheduled big events til spring to give Charles a chance to acclimate to the culture and people here before being asked to plan a talent show for the youth (which was on the calendar for Nov.) Which is pretty much the opposite of what happened at our last congregation. They've dialed their program calendar way back to give him time to get his feet wet here, I think our first big event is winter camp in January maybe? (And it's over the weekend of my due date, so I for sure won't be going, and we'll see if he gets to go for a day or something!) We haven't been met by any "threats" of "this is what we always do and you need to do it the exact same way" which has been SO refreshing. Last night was the first junior high youth group we experienced and from the beginning it kind of looked like it was going to be a bit of a disaster. He found out at the last minute that several of his normal volunteers who were going to lead the night couldn't make it, (and he'd never met any of these kids), and that the normal space they do youth group in was being taken over by the children's ministry program folks setting up for a giant Halloween haunted house. Our senior pastor wandered by, immediately acknowledged the chaos, apologized profusely for this being our first experience and said it was fine if the whole evening was a disaster, he wasn't worried, we'd get back into a rhythm next week. That kind of grace practically brought tears to our eyes--the lack of pressure we felt was amazing. And the night ended up going really well--the volunteers who were there said it was fantastic, the kids seemed to have fun, and we'll re-group for next week!

I've spent the week filling out health insurance applications, researching doctors, and apartment hunting. Which has been a bit of a long process, but I actually think I found a place for us last night! I'm taking Charles to see it this afternoon, and if he likes it we'll be filling out an application today. It's 1 block from the church, which is going to be SO helpful with only one car and a baby on the way (especially on those Sundays he needs to be at church for both services--I can walk the munchkin home for naptime and not have to worry about waking him up to go pick my husband up when he's ready to come home--same for bedtime on youth group nights that run late). So I'm keeping my fingers crossed this works out.

Anyways, I think that's about it for now--we have a full weekend of various Halloween related events (have I mentioned that I hate Halloween with a passion? I do. I seriously hate it). and our first high school youth group Sunday evening. We're SO thrilled to be here even though we miss Seattle friends (and I miss the Seattle weather!) already. We'll be back up there in about 2 weeks though to pack up our house and for my baby shower which I am super excited for! It's been so fun looking at little baby things and registering for some of them for this little man :)

And I'll leave you with some way cute photos that make me smile a lot :)

A pumpkin just Lily's size!

My mom finally headed home on Tuesday after 5 weeks in Providence being Gramma--I know she was tired, but I also know she loved the time she got with Lily, and then with Brooke! I love this photo!And my very favorite photo--I LOVE that they are holding hands :)

Have a great holiday weekend everyone! Hope you enjoy Halloween more than I do!

Healing Waters--Houseboats 2011

I adore the annual houseboat trip that Glendale Pres always does. I just do. It is so different from any other camp experience I've had. We are on the water all the time, jumping in and out of the refreshing lake and it's the only time of the year I get to be on boats--which I LOVE--houseboats, kayaks, ski boats--I love them all. Plus at most camps there's not quite as much down time where my main job as a youth leader is to simply float on an inner tube and have conversations with students. It's that intentional "unstructured relational" time that I adore. There's no where I have to be, just sitting there in the water asking girls how life is. The depth of ministry that is able to be done on a trip like this is always amazing to me. When we moved to Seattle we still would get the emails from the youth program at GPC, and as they began mentioning houseboats we found ourselves quite disappointed we wouldn't be able to join them on this incredible trip. When West Side fired us back in June, Chuck's best friend, George (the youth director at GPC) said "I'm really bummed to hear that--but uh--is there any way you want to come on houseboats now that you have free time? I need another male and female leader." We jumped at the chance, bought plane tickets, and found ourselves loaded up in 15 passenger vans surrounded by the students we've spent the past 2 years building relationships with. Walking into the parking lot that day to load up and being met with squeals, hugs, and students SO excited to see us (and the baby bump--baby got LOTS of pats and love this week!) was beyond healing for my broken heart--a heart that was doubting whether church youth ministry is even worth it after being so hurt by our experience in Seattle. Words cannot express how healing it was for both of us to be part of this trip. I shed a lot of tears, tears I hadn't really let myself cry, as I watched how differently this church approaches youth ministry. They aren't perfect, but serving here was SUCH a different experience than serving in Seattle. I found myself sobbing listening to our leaders pour out our hearts to God on behalf of these students. When we asked girls what the "high" of their week was one of them said "having you back." After literally being voted out of a church community & told you're not capable of working with students at a place, to hear a 15 year old say "I just want you back, life isn't the same without you here" was so humbling and so encouraging. So much healing. Chuck had the same experiences. We barely saw one another all week but when we did we always said "we needed this. Thank you, Lord, we needed this trip so badly."

It's funny that God really does put people right where he wants them. The last afternoon I was getting bored being "at camp" (back at the house boats while others were out on ski boats flying across the lake). It was hot, I was tired of being in the sun, and I wasn't feeling like I had had any significant conversations with girls that afternoon. I really wanted out on a ski boat at the 4:00 time slot. But the boats were full, too many students wanted out for the last boat run of the day, so I had to forfeit my spot. I found myself thinking "I have 2 1/2 hours til dinner, what the heck am I going to do with that time?" I was floating in the water with a small group of girls but they all drifted away to go play on the water trampoline (something I couldn't do cuz of baby). All of a sudden I'm alone with one of the girls who I had had such a difficult time connecting with all week. She was fairly new to the group, and was SUPER quiet. I honestly wasn't even sure she was having fun. But I figured I should try again and asked her something random like "how are you feeling going back to school in the fall?" She started talking. And talking. And talking. About some of the deepest, most painful things going on in her life. I simply asked a few questions here and there, and eventually suggested we get out of the water and go sit on the back of the staff boat where I knew we wouldn't be interrupted. This 2 1/2 hour conversation is probably the deepest, most intense conversation I have ever had with a student in my life. She let me speak into her life boldly and ask difficult questions even though she had only met me 4 days earlier. She opened up about her boyfriend and the way he treats her, and let me share with her what I thought. We talked about how she deserved to be treated, we talked about what I wanted for her in a relationship (to not be afraid of his anger, reactions, or control). We talked about the abusive cycle she is finding herself trapped in. We talked about marriage and what it's like to be fully free to be known by someone, without hiding parts of ourselves out of fear of them. We talked about her parents and how they're reacting. We talked about who she is, what I had seen in her that week that made me believe she had the courage deep inside to break free from him, and we brainstormed people in her life she could turn to for help with that. We talked about how God sees her, and what God wants for her in life. I watched a bit of hope and courage return to her eyes and posture. I heard her say "I want to be single, I want to know God more. I want to grow and be different." It was an incredible conversation, one I will carry with me for years. At the end she looked me in the eye and said "I know you've said you kind of want a baby boy, that you have a lot of nieces and think a boy would be a fun addition to the family, but Sarah, I really really hope you have a daughter. You would be such a good mom to a girl, and if I had a mom like you I might be in a really different place in life. I'm going to pray God gives you a girl. She'll be the luckiest girl ever." More tears. My heart aches for her. But I praise God for this divine appointment, for being in the right place at the right time. There were so many moments from this trip that brought joy, hope, and healing, but this conversation was probably the biggest one. I was reminded of what my husband tells me all the time--that we get to be pastors wherever we go, and we don't need a congregation to validate that calling with a paycheck to be an effective minister. It truly is an incredible calling, and this truly was an incredible week to be reminded of that.

Of course there were silly moments of the week--lots of games, dancing, singing, wake boarding, inner tubing, food, sun bathing, and general mayhem. But this year, I'll remember houseboats 2011 as the waters where my soul started to heal.

Youth Ministry Mini-Series: Post 2--The Rise of the Church of Cool

Here’s the crazy thing about youth ministry. Like so many other things in our world, it didn’t exist at the turn of the last century. Youth ministry in churches really didn’t begin until the mid 1960s, when churches realized they were seeing a decline in teen participation. Before this teens were in worship with their families, then perhaps in an age-appropriate Sunday School class, but the concept of a professional youth minister just didn’t exist. All the adults in a community were the “youth ministers” and all contributed to looking out for and discipling one another’s young. Kids belonged to the entire community, this was their church too.

As culture around the world headed more and more towards entertainment, churches began to feel like they had to compete. If children’s and youth programming wasn’t cool, exciting, and flashy, no one would want to hear about Jesus. Therefore it became of the utmost importance that we throw numerous extravagant events throughout a school year, and invest large sums of time and energy into figuring out how to make church “cool.” We celebrated the fact that we had a ton of kids show up for our big events--which I agree, is better than nothing, but it didn't seem to be as important that we didn’t see them the rest of the year. Years slowly slipped by and the youth programs at giant churches seemed to explode. Hundreds of kids showed up for youth groups, cool camps and retreats, and monthly special events. Smaller churches watched this and felt dismay--without the resources to pull off these types of events, how would they ever reach teenagers? Some smaller churches tried emulating what they saw going on, but taxed their volunteers and resources to the max attempting to pull off what a church with a giant youth budget could handle.

Having fun, age-appropriate programming is important. I am NOT in any way saying “get rid of youth group, or get rid of children’s programs!” I am NOT saying "lets make church boring," or "lets never play music a kid would recognize" (on the contrary, I think both these things are essential). I absolutely think camps, retreats, and events are VITAL to a health youth ministry for a variety of reasons. But I see three main problems with this intense focus on creating the ultimate “church of cool.” First, if we’re trying to be cool, as “cool” as the world around us, 9 times out of 10 we are going to loose. These kids have grown up in and are saturated by a culture of entertainment. Their attention spans are getting shorter and shorter thanks to technology and television. Everything around them is in place to suck them in and entertain them. Unless we’re going to hire professional event planners for our youth programs, the average youth director doesn’t have the training and shouldn’t have the time to create monster events to entertain kids. If this is our goal I think we might be missing the mark of what discipleship is--Jesus didn’t plan cool events, he simply invited people to be with him, to live life with him--and I think that’s what kids are actually hungry for these days. They don’t need the church to entertain them, they need the church to provide space where adults invite them to “come and see” something different than the world might offer.

The other problem I see (that kind of goes along with the first problem I mentioned) is that as Christians we should be offering kids something that looks different from the world. What a huge majority of kids are not getting anywhere in life are deep, meaningful, authentic relationships with adults who know their names, know their stories, and love them without an agenda. Most adults in kid’s lives are present because they need something from the kid. A coach needs a kid to be excellent at their sport. A teacher needs a kid to pay attention, follow rules, and perform in the classroom. Music instructors need kids to practice at home, and show up ready to demonstrate improvement. This isn’t to say these adults don’t care about kids, most of these adults love kids a lot--but the systems around us demand that kids perform in these settings to gain approval and attention from adults. Kids are smart--they figure this out at a super early age. They know what their second grade teacher expects of them, and this may be different than their 3rd grade teacher, so they quickly learn to read a situation and adapt their behavior to impress whatever adults are around. By the time they hit high school they have this down to a science. It takes at least a year of an adult just being present, engaging a student in conversation for a student to begin trusting that the adult doesn’t “need” something from them. The encouraging thing though is that the church is the one place where it is truly possible to let adults step in and be counter-cultural! Adults at the church have the opportunity to invest in a kid just because they love that kid. They shouldn’t need anything, they should be able to look at a kid and say “I love you just where you are. You don’t need to perform a certain way in order to make me love you more.” As we do this, we actually are given opportunities over the years to nudge and encourage a student to grow in certain ways, especially as we adults demonstrate we don’t have it all figured out either and are growing ourselves in ways too. The church is the one place where adults can truly communicate to students, “hey we’re all on this journey together, we’re all trying to figure this out together...lets walk with one another as we do.”

The third big problem I see with the “church needs to be super cool” mentality is one I’ll talk about in a future post, but that is the problem that arises when teens do graduate from high school, and what happens to them when they all of a sudden are asked to participate in the “adult congregation” when they’ve spent their whole adolescent journey separated from most of the adults in the congregation. The research here is a bit sobering.

When we first arrived at our new church, an elderly man came into my husband’s office and said “I have a challenge I want to issue to you. I want you to create a youth program here that is different than what the world out there offers our kids.” This is solely my own opinion (that’s the benefit of a blog, it’s my own opinion--you can totally disagree with me!), but what I think is different is not planning more and more fun events. What would be different and counter-cultural would be to create a space where a large team of adults show up every week to engage kids in conversation. It would be counter-cultural to create small groups where students and adults interact weekly and share with one another how they are wrestling with their faith, how their faith connects with life at school and work and in the home and with friends. It would be counter-cultural to invite them into things like sabbath keeping and rest instead of filling our calendars with more and more activities. We do fun events because they are important--they help earn us the right to engage in conversation with students. But we have to recognize that unless we have a designated space and time for kids and the adults to continue interacting the very next week, those relationships won't continue.

How about you? What’s been your experience in youth programs? What should the balance be between being “cool” and being “deep?” Those of you working with students now, what is your perception of what student's greatest needs are?

Have a blessed Holy Week, and stay tuned for post #3: The College Transition Project, coming early next week.

Youth Ministry Mini-Series: Post 1--Giving Voice to a Dream

It’s no secret, we’re living and breathing youth ministry these days. We probably will be for the next 30 years :) This new reality has us doing an awful lot of reflection and thinking about what makes a successful youth program. We’re digging back into our class notes from all our youth ministry classes, we’re re-reading books, we’re talking constantly about what makes a disciple of Jesus. When we imagine our own children heading off to college, we are already praying that they will be a disciple of Jesus--so we’re constantly asking the questions, “what would this look like?” “If we couldn’t ask our child, how would we know they were a disciple of Christ?” (And no, church attendance alone doesn’t count). “What would we need to do for our kids in elementary school, middle school, and especially in high school--both in our home and in our churches--to shape them in this way?” We’re dreaming about the kind of youth program we want in place at a church for our own teenagers someday, and we’re doing a lot of reflecting on our own experiences in youth ministry--as teens ourselves and then as volunteers at various churches over the years.

I have a lot of thoughts, more than I think anyone wants to read in one single blog post! So I’ve decided to do a bit of a mini-series here. I want to write about what’s going on in the world of youth ministry, why I care, what we’ve learned that has given birth to this dream my husband and I have--a dream of being part of a church that takes the discipleship of it’s young seriously. People have spent a lot of time lately asking us “so what’s your vision?” “What do you want to do?” and most importantly, “Why?” We can have these conversations with individuals, and we’re happy to do so, but I thought it would be kind of fun to share some of these answers with folks around the country, not just in our community here in Seattle. I have several posts written that I will be posting over the next couple weeks (every couple days), and I hope these help spark a conversation in your lives--wherever you are--about what it might look like to disciple our young. I hope some of these thoughts lead us all to learn more, to care more--whether we have kids or not. I hope we don’t let ourselves settle for doing things exactly the same way for years and years. Youth culture doesn’t stay the same--anyone who looks at the media today’s kids are inundated with will know their lives are vastly different than even when I was in high school in the late 90s. I hope we realize the Holy Spirit will continue to lead and guide us as we care for students, but that sometimes this requires us to be open to change. Sometimes what met needs twenty years ago, isn’t meeting the same needs today. That doesn’t mean something is a failure, it doesn’t mean a part of our youth program was bad, it just means the needs of kids in 2011 might be different than the needs of kids were in 1984.

About a week ago Charles and I shared a meal with three couples, all in their early 70s (I think!). It was a delightful time sharing conversation around a table, and eventually one of them began asking us these same questions. We shared our vision, we shared what we’ve been learning and experiencing. They asked questions, they shared their experiences with their children vs. their grandchildren. We dialogued. I loved it. Yesterday, one of these women told Charles that she loved our conversation--she loved thinking in a different way and wrestling with what we were dialoguing about. That’s my hope. I realize it’s not as possible (or preferable!) to do in cyberspace, but my hope is that these thoughts might spark lively conversation wherever you are. My prayer is that we would be a people unafraid to ask questions, and search for answers as the Church moves forward into the 21st century.

A quick disclaimer :) Throughout these posts when I refer to the “church” I’ll be referring to the Church with a capital C. Nothing I share is intended to be in reference to any of the five congregations I’ve been privileged to be a part of in the past 29 years. Yes, we are currently involved in ministry at a particular congregation that we love, and while its my hope that these postings will invite conversation around that community, my aim in sharing these things in cyber-land is bigger than that. What I share here is simply to invite conversation (hey, I’m a verbal processor, I like conversation!) I don’t have teenagers, I don’t pretend to know what its like to walk the difficult road of adolescence with a child I love, so I won’t pretend to have all the answers. I do, however, have a dream that has taken shape over the past several years--partly from research and partly from living my own experience in a variety of youth programs. I have a dream for the discipleship of students--and that’s what this mini-series is about--giving voice to that dream. I pray those of you who read this will read this with that in mind. I also will probably be posting some life-updates and other posts mixed in with these, just know that those specifically in this series will be designated as such. Thanks for reading!

I'm Sorry

One of the things I'm learning about human nature is that we've somehow been taught it is not okay to not be okay. We've been taught that even if we do admit something is wrong we're immediately supposed to brush it off and tell people "oh well, I'll be fine, it'll be okay." If we do go into detail about why things are hard, and somehow take up the entire conversation with someone, many of us feel guilty about that. We "should" have just said we'll be okay and then asked them how they were doing. That's what we should be doing. Has anyone else ever felt like this? I know I have. I ran into this all the time as a hospital chaplain, people would tell me that life actually was not okay for them right now, and when I would say "I am sorry" they would brush me off "oh it's okay, I'll be fine." I run into this all the time with the teenagers I've loved over the years. Somehow we have created a culture where the socially acceptable mantra is "It's okay." It's okay that my boyfriend dumped me. It's okay that my parents fight all the time. It's okay that my teachers don't take me seriously. It's okay that adults in my life don't take the time to really listen to me. It's okay that I have cancer, I'll be fine.

You know what, it's actually not okay. And in my opinion, it's okay to say it's not okay. Many people can't say this for themselves, so I've learned that one of the most important things we can do for a person who is struggling or suffering is to say it for them. I've done this a lot, and the response is always amazing. It usually invites deeper conversation. Sometimes it will bring to the surface those tears that have been threatening to spill over--the tears the individual is desperately trying to stuff down in effort to prove that she really is "okay." A student I know well actually wrote a blog post on her own blog about the time I did this with her. These words that she wrote have meant the world to me, because it shows me how simple, yet essential it is to give people to space to not be okay. Here's what she has to say, in her own words:

so tonight when i was at church we were given the opportunity to talk to the person next to us and share about a time when God has gotten us through a rough time. I got the chance to talk to Sarah, which I am so happy i did because she taught me something tonight that i will for sure keep with me for the rest of my life. when she asked me to share i told her that the rough time is now and thats really true. like right now my life is just…. haha let’s just say there have been a lot of tears in the last month and i’m really surprised i havent run out of them yet. and when she asked me if i felt betrayed (I had a sense as to what she was going through, I didn't just randomly guess the feeling "betrayed"), i said yes and she responded by saying “im sorry”, and after hearing that phrase so much i just automatically said “its okay”. but then she said something to me that no one had ever said before. she told me “no, its not okay. it sucks. its okay to say it sucks” and for the first time i realized that is right. its crazy to think that there are so many times people have offered me sorrys and i’ve just kind of turned them down by saying “its okay”. i guess its because i’ve heard “i’m sorry” so many times in my life that it stopped meaning something to me… and then later another leader came up to me and asked me how i was on a scale from 0-10 and i told her -5, and of course she replied with “i’m sorry” and once again i said “its okay” and she looked me straight in the eye and said “no, its not okay. its okay to say ‘yeah it sucks’”. words cannot describe how much what those two said to me tonight meant to me. cause it does suck right now, and because of them i’m not afraid to say it does anymore. so, for anyone reading this, if someone says “im sorry” to you when you’re feeling as crappy as i am right now, don’t be afraid to say “yeah, it sucks” because they mean their sorry…. they really do care even though it might seem like they don’t because others don’t. alright, thats it.

She's right. Validating someone's feelings, reminding them that it's okay to not be okay, letting them feel whatever it is they are feeling, these things aren't difficult. But they give a person so much freedom to truly feel, and I have come to believe that it is only when we truly allow ourselves to feel, to fully experience the emotions we're dealing with, only then can we begin to experience healing. As Jerry Sittser writes in his amazing book on grief, A Grace Disguised, "the quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.”

7 Quick Takes Friday

Greetings, friends! Another week has come and gone...here's what has been goin'on in the Kennedy household this week.

**1**

There just might be a teensy bit of light at the end of the chaotic job transition tunnel. I'm hopeful anyways. My dear husband actually got to sleep Sunday night for 11 straight hours, he got to be home all day Monday, and Tuesday night was able to be home for dinner and all evening as well. Tomorrow we have nothing on the calendar all day, which feels like a delightful treat.

**2**

Valentines Day wasn't the most romantic around here, but we did accomplish something we'd been needing to do for awhile now...ladies and gentlemen, we now have a budget!

It took a LONG time, but we finally have a budget to work with and have an idea of where our money should be going each month. Honestly, this is my first time really attempting to create/work within a budget and I'm kind of excited for the challenge, to see how we do. So while I wouldn't say it was the most romantic thing to do on Valentines Day it does feel great to have that in place. Our 2nd wedding anniversary is next month...it will not be involving spreadsheets and calculators...

**3**

Part of the budgeting process was figuring out how much we use in a given year of things like shampoo, toilet paper, tooth paste, laundry detergent, cleaning products etc. I was given the task of figuring this out, and then doing a Costco trip to stock up on hopefully all the non-perishables we will need for the year. I am sure I miscalculated at some point, and it took forever, but I actually think we did a pretty decent job! Between Target and Costco I think we have on hand most of what we'll need until 2012 as far as non-perishables go, and I even came in under budget which means when we do run out of something because I didn't figure right we are able to go restock if needed. You should see the spreadsheet I used, it is covered in numbers/math/and price comparisons between Costco and stores like Target. I'm pretty dang proud of myself.

**4**

One of the first things I'm learning about budgeting (which will cause most of you to say "duh!") is that sometimes you have to make choices, and sometimes that means going without something you're used to. The choice I made (partly for environmental reasons and partly for budgeting reasons) is to go paperless in our kitchen. Instead of buying a giant package of paper napkins, we're using the 10 cloth napkins we already owned each night. Instead of buying paper towels this year, I bought a pack of 10 microfiber towels that work great so far for cleaning up spills, using as wash cloths on dishes, catching crumbs etc. Instead of disposable sponges (which are expensive! and not all that sanitary so I'm told) we're using the wash cloths I bought for cleaning dishes (which actually are causing me to use less soap than the sponge did...). We'll see how this goes. I do feel better knowing I'm not throwing away gobs of paper each month, but we'll see how practical this ends up being in the long run.

**5**

The middle school lock in last weekend was definitely an experience! We had 45 6th-8th graders at the church with us all night, and about 6 brave leaders who spent the night. We had a great time playing games, Charles gave a wonderful brief message about finding our identity as God's beloved child, we put on Despicable Me (a GREAT movie if you haven't seen it!) about 11:30 and for the most part they were all asleep by 1:30. Since I'm mostly familiar with high school ministry I learned a few new things about middle schoolers. First being that with high school students no matter when you try to wake them up, it's too early. With middle schoolers, it doesn't matter when you put them to bed, they will be wide awake bouncing off the walls at 7 AM. Which is especially unfortunate when they were supposed to be sleeping until 8:30. It was fun, but I think I still gravitate more towards high school students, I think it's just how I'm wired. Charles on the other hand loves middle schoolers, which I think is a special gift.

**6**

Last weekend I was asked to teach one of the adult education classes on Sunday morning for our associate pastor who was out of town. It was a little nerve wracking as I had only attended this class once, wasn't exactly sure what I was supposed to be covering, and couldn't remember most of the names of the 75+ people in the class. But I survived, had fun, received good feedback, and am looking forward to another attempt here at some point.

**7**

Most of you know how much I loved the book The Good and Beautiful God that I read this past year. This year my friends in Seattle and I are starting to go through the second book in the series called The Good and Beautiful Life. It's based on the Sermon on the Mount and so far is really good--I'd recommend it if you are in need of something new to jump start your devotional life. What I especially love about his books is that each chapter has a "Soul Training" exercise, a spiritual discipline for the week to put into practice what he was writing about. But what is especially unique is that not all the disciplines are "traditional" but rather are things like "sleep for 8 hours each night," or "play" or "read the Gospel of John." Yup, I'm a fan of his work, let me know if you have read these books and what you thought of them!

7 Quick Takes Friday--or everything you never cared about

Hi friends! Happy Valentine's Day weekend! Here is the latest and greatest from Seattle!

**1**
I love my little house keeping binder. I really do. I'm telling you, it has made a world of difference for me in a couple ways. I used to save house cleaning for one full day. Those days were exhausting--I'd end up doing 5 loads of laundry, and cleaning absolutely everything in one day, and the place would look awesome for about 2 hours. When company would come over for a meal, I'd spend that whole day frantically trying to make it look presentable, plus cook and grocery shop. And it was always stressful. I don't really want to live like that anymore. I like things to be picked up, and now, thanks to a weekly plan (that of course will change here and there as life happens, it's not set in stone, it's just a guideline!), I don't have to feel overwhelmed by a list of chores. I've spent about an hour (sometimes a bit more depending on the chores) each morning on that day's task, and then I'm done (errands day of course takes longer!). Yup, I'm a fan.

**2**
I think the other major difference I've noticed since having an intentional space to write things down in is how I feel physically and how I am taking care of my body. Because I'm writing it down, I am actually drinking 8 glasses of water a day. I am remembering to take both my vitamins and my calcium. I am drinking 2 glasses of milk a day (I know, some of you think this is unhealthy...I don't, I enjoy non-fat milk and have never had any adverse side effects from drinking dairy). But the biggest thing is in what I'm eating throughout a day. I commented to my husband last night how different I felt, and I think it's because I'm intentionally eating so much produce, filling it in with lean proteins and some whole wheat bread/crackers. When I am hungry I think about what colored food I haven't had yet today and go for that (okay the key is keeping a bunch of produce on hand for this to work!). In the last few days I've had more spinach, kale, and sweet potatoes than probably in the last year, and it has been awesome. My stomach feels happier, less heavy, and well...Oprah and Dr. Oz aren't kidding about the other benefits of eating so much natural foods and fibers!

**3**
One of the books I am currently reading is one I picked up about a month ago with a Barnes and Noble gift card I had one day. The title caught my attention. It's called "Get Energy!" by Denise Austin, and it grabbed me because that's what I always feel like my life lacks. I've never been a super high energy person, I've always wanted to be, but I'm just not. However, lately I've been feeling even more lethargic, desperately wanting cups of afternoon coffee, and just not feeling very awake. I started reading this quick and easy read and love what she has to say already. Nothing she suggests takes very much time, it's all really basic, like stretching for 5 minutes at 3 different points during the day to get the blood moving and deep breathing happening again. She reminds us how important it is to eat a good breakfast to refuel our brains and bodies in the morning...which is always one of my downfalls--I'm a coffee girl in the morning and then will normally be ravenous about 10:30 and eat random stuff just to fill myself up. Denise's impassioned case for breakfast has caused me to change my mind and I've started my days this week by eating whole wheat toast with peanut butter, and some type of fruit with my coffee. Yup, I can honestly say it definitely makes a difference! If you find yourself sluggish throughout the day, grab her book, I promise it will help!

**4**
This week was also my baptism into church involvement :) I was asked last Sunday to fill in this Sunday for one of the adult education classes that I've now attended oh, once. So I'm frantically researching Ephesians 3, my assigned chapter (the class is working their way through Ephesians), and praying that I can put together a 45 minute lecture by Sunday morning. I gotta be honest, straight lecture is not at all how I enjoy teaching, but I have been told this is the style of adult education around here. I've been asked to do a 10 week class this Spring and can do pretty much anything I want...there's no way I can lecture for 45 minutes straight on anything for 10 weeks...and I am not sure anyone should want to listen to me do that! So we'll see what I end up coming with...

**5**
Tonight is the middle school lock in, which means its the first night we'll be spending at the church (out of what I am sure will be MANY over the years!) Wish us luck...

**6**
My friend Kimberlee recently invited people to join her in attempting to write down 100 things they are thankful for this week. I've been joining her in this, and making a list in my journal, and it's been a great experience, to think about things large and small that we have to be grateful for.

**7**
You know how I mentioned awhile ago that an acquaintance from our church in California was competing on Oprah's new network for the chance to host her own TV show? Well Kristina is in the top 5! Episodes are posted on Oprah's website in case you don't have cable (like we don't). She's doing great, I honestly think she's the strongest candidate and I'm hoping she continues to do well!

7 Quick Takes Friday-- First Seattle Edition!

**1**
Yesterday I had the opportunity to enjoy some of the most delicious food I've had in quite awhile. For lunch I went to pick my friend Missy up from a Dr. appointment and a block away was this new cafe. It didn't even have a sign on the building, just a little one out front pointing into the cafe. If you're in the Seattle area, you HAVE to try the Ridge Back Cafe on 65th in the Ballard area. Oh. My. Word. Best random walk in place I've ever been. We shared a salad made of spinach, carmelized red onions, avocado and goat cheese with a pear vinaigrette and a wrap that was crazy healthy and unbelievably tasty. They filled a grilled whole wheat tortilla with black beans, sweet potato, spinach, onion, red peppers, a bit of cheese, and other amazing veggies. We were in heaven. They also serve Stumptown Coffee and Espresso which we also partook of. Seriously, go there. Last night Charles was at the church til 9 (I'm thinking this is our new normal, with youth events 4 nights a week...) so I made a meal that looked delicious to me. I found this recipe on Cooking Light.com and oh man was it healthy and incredible. Orzo, feta, artichoke hearts, red onion, (I also added red pepper and cucumber), sun dried tomatoes...it was amazing. Hooray for healthy food--after a lot of eating out my body was super excited about the fresh veggies!

**2**
For the first time in a very long time I am living in a space that is SO quiet. Our house actually has insulation in it (what a concept...one that California apartment builders should take into consideration...), so actually sitting down and attempting to be quiet before God seems do able. Yesterday I curled up in our oversized swivel chair for quite awhile and let myself journal, broke out my gratitude journal which had somehow disappeared from my life in the chaos of moving, and kept reading in a devotional book I am almost finished with. It was so needed, and while quiet times are always something I've struggled with (read more about that here), I am finding myself re-excited about falling back more into a routine of connecting with God.

**3**
Something else I'm realizing even with Charles only being in his job for about 10 days now, is how important it is going to be to constantly be praying for him, for this ministry, for wisdom and guidance. Ministry is a tough job, anyone who wants to disagree with that hasn't seen how exhausted my husband has been every night coming home at 9 after a full day. Learning to pray intentionally for him, for the students he's serving, for his volunteers etc is going to be one of the main disciplines I want to develop. Prayer has always been tough for me, I can admit that, but I'm seeing after only two weeks, that prayer is truly the only thing that can sustain ministers long term. If anyone has a basic book on prayer they'd recommend, or tips for how to further develop a personal prayer life, I'd love to hear about them.

**4**
Look who came out to say hi this week!! It's funny, but here in Seattle the mountains almost take on a personality--and when they appear, it is crazy what it does for people's moods. We LOVE our mountains around here and in the whole time I lived her previously I never never tired of seeing their peaks appear. Thank you Lord for this beauty!

**5**

Tonight is our official welcome party at the church which we are very excited about :) We're having pizza with the high schoolers before hand, and then dessert with the whole congregation. I know they've been asking us trivia questions about us, are having us bring an ipod playlist of our favorite songs, and I'm not sure what else they have planned, but we're so grateful for the warm welcome we've received and for the effort the search committee is making to introduce us to everyone!

**6**
Comcast is here hooking up our TV, our internet is up and running, and our furniture comes tomorrow--we're almost fully in business around here! We ended up getting a new TV for our living room that turned out to have some amazing features that we didn't even really know we were getting. It automatically hooks into our wireless internet so we can watch our Netflix on the TV without hooking up a computer to it. It's pretty sweet, and we're not really that big of TV people.

**7**
At the recommendation of many people we've started watching season 1 of Friday Night Lights. Apparently it's one of the best depictions of teen life and culture around, so we'll have to see what we think. Any other fans out there?

Dreaming Dreams

We all have them. From the time we are little most of us are asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Some of us didn't have parents that asked us this question or encouraged us to dream, but perhaps we had a teacher who stepped in and allowed us this freedom. My own parents made it clear that we could be absolutely anything we wanted to be when we grew up, that they would do what they could to support us in achieving whatever dreams we had--something I am incredibly grateful for. (Even if we choose careers that girls didn't typically pursue...like...um I don't know, a pastor? My dad says nothing converts a man to being a feminist quite like having a daughter that you want to see attain any thing her little heart desires to pursue!) Over the years I've had a lot of ideas and plans, things I thought I might want to pursue some day--from being an elementary school teacher, to a journalist, an English teacher, a brief stint of thinking I would be a social worker or a speech pathologist, to finally realizing I wanted to be in the ministry. It was the best fit, it actually perfectly allows me to combine all of these past career goals--as a pastor you have to teach, write, read, help with good communication, and often step in as a social worker. It's crazy how all these things that I am passionate about come together--I think God knew what He was doing when I began this journey.

I've always had another dream too, though. I've always dreamed of being a mom like my own incredible mom, of having a family of two or three little ones around, of getting to stay home with them in their early years like my mom did--shaping their early childhood development and laying a solid foundation for them. I've never really known how all these dreams would fit together, and I suppose I still don't exactly. But I do know that my husband and I are entering into a season of life where some answers might begin appearing. We both dream of doing ministry, and we're having many conversations these days of what that might mean for the two of us. Is it realistic to both be involved in full time ministry as our first jobs? Probably not, but possibly. Where do kids fit in? Do we both need pay checks from a church to "do" ministry? We're coming to the conclusion that no, we don't. Ministry for us isn't about receiving a paycheck, it's about a passion, and we realize that may mean one of us receives a paycheck from a church to "do" ministry and the other may act more as a professional volunteer. That's a humbling reality when we both have worked so hard for degrees that we'll be paying off for awhile!

We still don't know how everything is going to work out--but we have come to a few conclusions that we both firmly believe when it comes to seeing our dreams come true. First, we believe strongly that God cares more about who we are as a couple (and someday as a family) than what we do for a living. Our character, our obedience, submission to Him and one another, the way we shape and disciple our kids is so much more important to Him than who pays us to work. If we end up working at Starbucks but have a family that loves and serves deeply those around us, well, as I read scripture, I am convinced that's more important. And the second thing we are walking into this season of interviews and discernment fully grounded upon is the reality that no matter where we end up, no matter whose name is on a paycheck, both of us will do ministry wherever we go. It's who we are. God has called us, trained us, equipped us, and given us a passion for His people and His church and no matter where we end up, we'll be serving. Even after beginning a family we are committed to both of us serving our local church in some capacity. I don't say that to sound self-righteous in any way, I say that because we've been receiving so many questions of "what's next?" "how are you both going to use your degrees?" "will a church hire two of you?" "what about kids?" and it's been a struggle to answer people at times.

We still don't know where we will be. We don't know when we will move, or what positions we'll be moving into. And that's a little stressful, we like answers. But this past year and a half of uncertainty, of planning and dreaming and brainstorming and having the occasional tear-filled conversation with one another has been rich and fruitful. We feel confident that God does have something for us, that God does have a place in store for us to both use our gifts and our talents, and that God does desire for us to begin a family in the relatively near future--and in the mean time, we're going to keep dreaming, because my experience is that God loves it when his children think big about how they want to live in His world.

Houseboats!!

It's Wednesday, I missed my 10 on Tuesday post this week, but today's is kind of going to be a version of that. It has been a crazy week! We returned Saturday night, had houseguests beginning Sunday morning until Monday afternoon, I had 3 days at work to catch up, and we leave again early tomorrow morning for another 5 days--this time to Colorado to be with my whole extended family. I at least wanted to share the basic highlights of our houseboat trip before we leave again, so I have 2 different top 10 lists to share (these aren't really in any particular order though)--The Top Ten Moments of Houseboats (in my opinion) and The Top Ten Lessons I Learned Being a Youth Leader. Enjoy!

Top Ten Moments (that I hope to never forget!)

10. Watching a sophomore girl try inner-tubing for the first time, only to hear her start SCREAMING something halfway through the ride. I had the boat driver slow down so we could hear her and she's out on the inner tube screaming at the top of her lungs, "MY BUTT!!! MY BUTT!!! MY BUTT!!!" "Honey, what's wrong with your butt??" "IT'S NAKED!!! AND IT FEELS WIERD!!!" Yes, her bathing suit bottoms were around her knees...and the other 7 girls in the boat and I tried not to fall overboard laughing (she was cracking up herself).

9. That same boat ride found us at the marina so we could all use the bathroom (the bathroom situation is a little complicated on houseboats, we begged ski boat drivers to take us to the marina a lot!) and Bob, our awesome driver bought all of us ice cream (shown below with all my girls), which was incredible since it was 95 degrees and we'd been in the sun all day...best ice cream I think I've ever eaten!

8. DANCING! These girls dance a LOT which is so fun! On the deck, inside the cabin, in the water...they are always dancing, it was very fun to join them :) I heard a LOT of Shakira, Black Eyed Peas, Taylor Swift, Rhianna, and Lady Gaga this week...I loved it :) Most played song this week: Waka Waka (the world cup theme song) by Shakira, followed in at a close second "Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga

7. The fly trap. Being on a lake, there are a lot of flies. So each boat hangs those sticky fly paper traps from the ceiling over the table. Ours had collected a fair number of flies by the last night. Which is when dear Caroline got the thing stuck in her hair. Yes, she climbed onto the table to do something and it got stuck. And came off the ceiling and she was shrieking and jumping around so much none of us could get it out of her hair. I don't think any dead flies ended up in her hair, thankfully, and eventually we got it unstuck. All 20 of us were rolling on the floor laughing and screaming it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen (she was fine, and thought it was funny later)

6. Girl floats! It's a houseboats tradition. Every day the girls gather as many floatation devices they can find to share and float together in a large pack (no boys are allowed!). These turned out to be some of my favorite moments, because conversations out here in the water went really deep, we talked about all sorts of things, some silly, but many meaningful. It's amazing what kind of walls will start to go down floating in a lake together.

5. Spider hunting. Our boat had a lot of spiders and webs on the upper deck (where almost all of us sleep), and the last night we were there one of our freshman decided she'd had it. She found a can of raid, grabbed a friend to hold a flash light and at 11:30 PM was spraying raid all over the top of our boat (not where we were sleeping, don't worry!) When she came back downstairs I asked her how spider killing went and she said "oh great! I used the whole can of raid!" (It had been full....) Of course our boat now stunk...but don't worry! She had a solution! I turn around and she's heading back out the door with a can of french vanilla febreeze. Which she proceeded to spray all over the top deck. Yes...the combination of the two smelled as lovely as you are imagining...She finally stopped when someone managed to convince her that the sweet smelling febreeze was probably going to attract more bugs...the boys on the boat next to us couldn't stop laughing...note to self--don't let the freshmen girls go spider hunting by themselves.

4. Explaining grace. In our small group time the last night one of our girls raised her hand and said "I've been in the church my entire life, and people keep talking about grace. I have no idea what that is or what that means." I got the chance to explain grace to her using a high school cafeteria as an illustration in a way that made sense (which I just kind of made up on the spot but apparently it made a lot of sense to her). I watched the light bulb go on, and it was beautiful.

3. Watching a foreign exchange student from Germany connect, fit in, and try both wake boarding and inner tubing for the first time--she lit up, saying "they do not do such things in Germany!"

2. Conversations about everything under the sun--from boys, to sex, to our bodies, and modesty, food, clothes, music, God, sweet 16 party plans, plans for college...you name it, we probably covered it.

1. Watching a few of our non-Christian kids start to put some pieces together--nothing super concrete, but at least seeing them start to wonder what this whole faith thing might be about.

Top Ten Things I Learned

10. Just being is tough for me. Last year I was on the food crew--I was busy and had a schedule to follow from 6 AM til about 10 PM. This year, on day one, I quickly learned that being a youth leader is a very different job! My job literally was to just be there, to talk, laugh, dance, ask questions, apply lots of sunscreen, and be aware of what was going on. Once I got rid of my watch and settled into this routine, I loved it. But not "doing" anything was tough for me at first!

9. Sometimes it's my job to be strong so a girl can let her guard down. One of our freshman dislocated her pinky finger doing a back flip on the water trampoline. She hates crying, and hates letting people see her vulnerable (I knew this before this happened). But she was in a lot of pain. My job was to let her squeeze my hand and convince her it was okay to cry as our on site doctor taped her fingers up. Eventually she let me.

8. Watching a light bulb go on for a student is one of the most beautiful sights, especially when that lightbulb is connected to them coming to understand how much God loves them just as they are.

7. So much bonding can happen over hair braiding, leg shaving (in a lake!), fake tattoo applying and getting ready for bed. When I'm willing to join in all this fun with them they respond AMAZINGLY well and love it--which means I had tattoos, smooth legs, braided hair, and dance parties as we brushed our teeth :)

6. As a youth leader on a trip like this, you NEVER know what is going to be your job description! Or what you are going to hear next. All of the following are sentences directed at me from our 17 girls: "Sarah, if I sleep in a wet bathing suit, will I REALLY get an infection?" (Uh yes, honey, you should really not sleep in your wet bathing suit...). "Why is our carbon monoxide detector beeping LOUDLY at 1 AM??" "Sarah, the toilet won't flush..." "Will you go to the nurse for me, I'm too embarassed." "Do we HAVE to go to bed?? Can't we just go skinny dipping?? We'll be quiet, I promise!" (uh no, 20 girls jumping into the water naked right below the boys boat is NOT a good idea ladies!) "Is having sex before you're married REALLY that big of a deal?" "But why can't we stay up all night?" "Does God still love me even if I do ____" "But i don't LIKE what's for lunch!" It was definitely a week of variety for me!

5. It doesn't matter at all what a speaker talks about, when girls get into their small groups they are going to talk about whatever is on their minds, even if it has nothing to do with the topic for the night, and honestly, I think that's beautiful.

4. Waking up a 6 AM before the kids get up to drink a cup of coffee (a perk of being a leader!) while dangling your feet off the back of the boat into the glassy, still water is the best way to star the day. Houseboats is the only trip of the year I get super excited to get out of bed after only 5-6 hours of sleep.

3. One of the best spots to have a conversation with just one or two girls is at the very front of a ski boat as it's flying across a lake. I had some fantastic moments in the bow of the boats.

2. Friendship bracelet making is just as much fun as when we were 14. And entertains VERY tired (and semi-cranky) girls in the vans on the drive home quite well.

1. I never imagined it would be possible to love these girls as much as I do. I never imagined I would find myself praying for them during quiet time and start to cry, thinking about how much they are hurting inside under the smiles--realizing how many questions they are asking, how desperately they want to feel God's love.

Filled to Overflowing

Last night was our final "regular" youth group of the year (we do something each week over the summer but it is all social stuff), and in many ways it was a pretty incredible evening. Looking around the room, seeing some of them washing each others' feet, hearing them share where they have seen God in the past year, and realizing I'd been able to witness some of the same moments they mentioned as well was amazing. It's hard to believe I've been with them an entire school year already. It seems like just yesterday I was standing around awkwardly wondering who to talk to first and what in the world to say to these students who didn't know or trust me anymore than they did the random guy on the street they passed. Now I look around the room and I have memories connected to each of the 23 or so kids sitting there. I'm more comfortable with some than with others, but I have come to deeply love and care about and for each of these young people. Their smiles, tears, faces, laughter, antics, and silliness are part of my story now, and I am so grateful for the chance I've had to serve with them. We're not going anywhere yet, but I know that when the time comes to move to another congregation somewhere I'll be so sad to say goodbye, to not get to watch some of these kids finish growing up. I guess that's partly what ministry is, getting to be part of a slice of someone's journey, not always the whole thing. Only God knows what seeds have been sown this past year, we've seen some amazing growth in some kids and maybe not as much outward growth in others but that's okay. The Holy Spirit is the one who does the work, we just stay available for when the Spirit might want to use us.

So, beautiful, amazing young men and women, thank you. Thank you for teaching me how to play again. Thank you for pushing me in my own faith as you ask difficult questions. Thank you for the hugs, the stories, the chance to see Jesus working in each of you. Your beautiful faces have brought so much joy to me this year.

so, what would you say?

This week for our Confirmation students the topic was the authority of scripture--where we got the Bible from, how we know we can trust it, what do the words inerrancy and infalibility mean and where do we as leaders and our church in general fall, and what can they say when people ask them questions about why they believe the bible. We recognize that at some point they will encounter people who will ask them questions that they haven't been exposed to or prepared for in church and we think that's not okay. If someone is going to poke holes in what they have always assumed to be true about scripture we wanted it to be us youth leaders where we can help them reconstruct some of what they've been taught rather than a college professor who doesn't care about their faith. We talked to them about how we fall into the "we believe scripture is infallible" camp of people, not inerrant, which made sense to them, they even picked that camp before we told them that's where our church tends to land.

Sunday morning they received a talk on the background of where we got the New Testament, and then in the afternoon they were broken into groups of 5, and each group was given a real life scenario of a conversation they will most likely have about the bible at some point in their life. They were given time on Sunday and time last night to come up with responses to their scenario and then they presented them to the whole youth group last night. After their presentation each group sat down one at a time with a panel of Chuck, George and I to receive questions, feedback, critique, and so we could point out where there might be holes in their arguments. We told them we needed them to think deeply about these scenarios. There weren't easy answers, we were not going to tell them where to find any answers, and their answers needed to include something from scripture. We had a bunch of theology books there for them on Sunday, theological dictionaries and a few other books and told them they needed to actually research what people were saying on whatever topic they had. It was a fascinting exercise to watch. We don't ever make them do anything very academic, and some didn't like that it felt like "school" to them. But we also realized that the church does a lot to just hand kids their faith and doesn't help them look deeper or think critically about things very often. Some of these kids are about to graduate and will be in college next year and at some point will have to answer questions that we know they aren't necessarily prepared to handle. Each group had one kid in it that has a ton of bible knowledge and 3-4 kids who don't, so of course the 1 kid ended up doing most of the work and presenting. But then when it was time for their conversations with us, we had a chance to ask each student questions to press them a little deeper. Some were a little uncomfortable, some said, "wow, I didn't realize that what we said might not work as a response," and some enjoyed being pushed harder. All in all they did a really good job, we were proud of them, but we also reminded them that arguing people with "facts" isn't always helpful because there are just as many facts that can be thrown at them for why believeing in the bible isn't smart. So we talked to each group about responding with their own stories, experiences, and encounters with faith and community to answer a lot of questions because people can't argue with your story.

So, what would you say if you were confronted with one of these 3 scenarios?

"Your friend Susie grew up in the church and knows all the bible stories but dosn't think they are relevant. She asks you why you think the bible is relevant. How would you respond?"

"In one of your classes a teacher tells you the bible is like any other mythological text and it is no more authoritative than Homer's The Iliad. Your friend comes to you after class and asks you how you can still be a Christian after what your teacher just said. What do you say?"

"Your friend comes to you and says, 'I saw a preacher on TV who said that the Haitian earthquake was a result of their sin. Do you believe this?'"

Not always straightforward answers huh? We definitely do not want to turn these kids into little apologists--giving them a handful of pat answers to throw back. We wanted them to wrestle deeply, figure out how this scenario connects with their own story, and see what they came up with. Definitely a worthwhile experience!

An Invitation to Community

This past weekend was a weekend we had been waiting for, planning for, and praying for since about October...and it was finally here! For his internship project at our church my husband had been tasked with creating a confirmation program for our students, something that had not been done in years at this particular church for a variety of reasons. He really was given a lot of freedom to brainstorm and dream about what this might look like and his first task was to form a committee. (Duh, we're Presbyterian, that's of course what we'd do first!) Being his favorite Presbyterian I immediately was recruited :) Which means the two of us have been talking about this and planning this for months now. We felt it was really important to start with a big event, we didn't want to just pitch this as "another program you can come to." We really view the confirmation process (when done well) as the opportunity for a young person to begin to really grab hold of their faith and make it their own, to go deeper in community, not just with the youth but with the church as a whole. So we wanted to create a weekend retreat to begin it all that would demonstrate to these students that the community is genuinely excited about welcoming them into their midst, and dearly loves them and cares for them. It was a TON of work, but I have to say, I am SO proud of how it turned out and I know he is too. We got each adult Sunday School class to adopt a meal, and serve it to the students restaurant style (no camp food for our kids!) at tables with candles and flowers. We had the congregation write letters of encouragement to the students which we surprised them with on Sunday morning (each kid had a giant envelope of letters just to them from members of the church, they were pretty impressed!), and Saturday night we had members of the church show up to surprise the kids with a candle light worship service. We took them on a hike Saturday afternoon and asked them to do the first half in silence, giving God space to speak to them, which I'm not sure they loved, but they at least obeyed :) It was a very fun weekend. I am definitely tired and have spent most of today trying to recover a bit, but it was totally worth it. Confirmation starts next Sunday, so we'll see who chooses to go through the next 7 weeks with us and who really wants to commit to this process. Here are some highlights from the weekend:

Part of our youth space, which we decorated with drapes, lights and crosses to change it up from the normal Sunday morning.

Friday night we had them nail their sins to the cross, which was so powerful. To hear the pounding of nails echoing in the silence is really moving.Every time we had to move from one room to another, our Pied Piper, Ben, led us with a song he wrote for our kids and this weekend. The kids didn't have a schedule, or watches/ipods/cell phones, so they had no idea what time it was or what was next which was a leap of faith for them to trust us (but worked well when we told them to go to bed, for all they knew it was 1 AM) :) Of course there was play time :)Our silent hikeThe 4 leaders--George, me, Ashley, CharlesOur whole groupAt every meal we ate with our assigned table teams and had trivia questions to answer. Our team lost miserably, but it was quite fun. Here is George, our master trivia creator, reading our questions.