Should

From the moment I held that little plastic stick in my hand watching a "yes" show up in the little window, I have somehow become the queen of second guessing myself.  Oh not the decision to have a baby, I've never thought twice about that, even in the toughest of times over the last few months.  No, the decision to try for a child is not something I've ever second guessed.  It's all the other ones!  I've always known I'm a bit of a rule follower, I have always had a consistent idea of the do's and don'ts that have governed my life.  I like to do things by the book.  I just had no idea how that was going to impact me as a Mom.   You probably have realized how many books on parenting, babies, and every topic related to these there are in this world.  A lot.  No longer is there one trusted go-to resource that all parents rely on (I'm not sure there ever was, but there really isn't one today!)  When in the hospital we heard from many different nurses, doctors, lactation consultants, and child-educators about all the things we "should" do with our baby or definitely should not do.  By the time I was discharged my head was spinning with information, some of it that directly conflicted with information someone else had given me.  I was a mental mess, feeling so overwhelmed and completely at a loss as to what to do with my little bundle of fussiness that came home with us from the hospital.  People kept telling me "feed on demand," and "you can't spoil a baby this little," but then other books I read kept telling me "don't nurse your baby to sleep or he'll never sleep without it."  Some books said "let your baby sleep with you or on you because that's where he's most comfortable."  Others said "you have to teach them from day 1 how to start putting themselves to sleep."  On and on it's continued--advice that sounds great and logical that directly conflicts with other advice that also sounds great and logical (and some that just sounds downright crazy to me).  I would literally lay awake stressing about what advice to follow for a given situation, and I was driving myself crazy.

Until I received the best advice I think I have ever gotten when it comes to parenting.  I had called my uncle, a pediatrician for 30 years and a father of 4, to ask a few questions about sleep, and what is "normal" for a baby Aidan's age and how to help him sleep a little better.  He talked for a few minutes about sleep in general and then said "Sarah, there is no "should" here.  There is no one way to raise a baby or feed him or help him sleep or 'train' him.  Aidan is going to be who Aidan is, and if what he's doing is fine with you, who cares if it's on track with what the books say he 'should' be doing.  You need to trust your instinct.  You know him better than anyone on this planet, and you get to be the one to decide what he "should" be doing."  Tears came to my eyes as I felt the weight of trying to get my son to fit into the mold of what the "experts" say a 3 month old should or should not be doing be lifted off my shoulders.  He's healthy, he's fine, he's growing and learning and getting to know the world around him.  I wasn't a bad parent because I couldn't get my baby to sleep the way the books told me to.  (as an aside, after many conversations with other parents I have since decided that the people who write the sleep books on babies are kind of full of crap.  If a huge majority of 3 month old babies actually slept the way the books say they "should" be sleeping, no one would buy their books because no desperate sleep deprived parent would be on amazon looking for solutions at 3 in the morning!)

My uncle went on to tell me that he does tell parents there are some non-negotiable things in parenting.  Your kids absolutely have to know they are unconditionally loved by parents who will always be there for them.  Your kids need to be safe and protected, in their beds, in a car, while eating or playing--you can't just ignore car seat laws because you don't want to be told how your kid "should" be strapped in.  However, the biggest gift he gave me that day is he helped me realize my job is to let Aidan be Aidan.  It's not my job to cram him into some mold that some "expert" who will never meet my son set up.  He said he tells parents that if what their baby is doing is working for them and their family, then don't mess with it--don't change what you're doing.  It's when a baby's behavior starts to negatively impact the mental health or well being of the family that changes might need to be made with the help of a pediatrician.  (Aidan went through a stage of waking every 45 minutes, all night long, looking for mommy to nurse.  As you can imagine, this was negatively impacting me big time and led to us needing to think about helping him change his eating patterns a bit). I've felt the freedom in the past week to change some of the ways I'm working with him when it comes to sleep, and all of a sudden, when I relaxed and really thought about who this little person is and what I already know of his little personality, and made the appropriate changes, we're all sleeping a little better.  I made some decisions and changes with him that I never thought I would, but I'm okay with that.  My guess is when we have our next baby some day I'll have to make different decisions based on his or her personality, but I think that's what makes a wise parent--someone willing to look at their individual child and adapt parenting decisions based on those observations.  I think there will always be "shoulds" in parenting, and it will always be tempting to compare our kids with others, but I am going to do everything in my power to remember my uncle's wise words--"Aidan is going to be who Aidan is, and your job as his mom is to learn who that is and adjust your parenting to him.  And above all, trust your instinct, you really do have what it takes to raise this little person, even without all the books!"  I know there are so many other new moms out there feeling the same way--so bogged down with information, with "shoulds" and "should nots" and who are quietly feeling guilty about making a parenting decision that doesn't line up with what the "experts" say.  My hope is we can all free ourselves just a little bit from that kind of pressure and trust our instincts.  God created each of these little people uniquely, and we get the joyful, amazing, and sometimes difficult process of becoming students of the children He has placed in our lives.

The Mommy Wars

One of my favorite bloggers, Rachel Held Evans, commented in a post one day that it's not really the kids themselves that make her the most nervous about parenting some day, it's the moms. I've felt this way for awhile as over the years I've spent much time browsing the web, reading blogs, seeing facebook comments, and even engaging in conversations with people, but now that I am about to be a mom myself, I find myself downright terrified of being subjected to the "mommy wars" that rage viciously around our society.

It used to be that the main battle women seem to face off over is working moms vs. stay at home moms. Turn on any Oprah re-runs or Dr. Phil episode and you can probably see remnants of this debate still echoing. Now though, thanks to the invention of the internet and the blogosphere, Mommy Wars are raging all over the place over birth plans/methods (hospitals vs. home, epidurals vs. natural), breast feeding vs. bottle feeding, cloth vs. disposable diapering, to vaccinate kids vs. to not vaccinate kids. You name it, women are talking about it. Oftentimes rather viciously. Men tend to (wisely) stay out of these conversations, but oh my word! Women, we can be so vicious to one another! Even on Christian sites I've seen conversations and comments that lean in the direction of "this is the right choice, if you choose differently you're endangering your child, hindering their chances in life, and are thus a bad parent."

I'm not that pregnant, I'm not showing to the point of being randomly stopped by strangers to ask when I'm due (although I am told that is coming!) But already I have been the recipient of the following comments--both from people I know, and a few from strangers (who boldly asked if I was pregnant!):

*"Are you planning on cloth diapering?"

*"I can't believe you're following all these rules from your doctor--in my day we drank caffeine, ate lunch meat, drank wine, and our kids are fine!"

*"Do you guys have a birth plan yet? Are you going to get an epidural?"

*"You are planning on breast feeding right?"

*"Have you decided what you're going to do about vaccinating your kids?"

*"I only let my toddler eat things that are organic, and I'm sure you'll want to do the same someday." (Really?? This person had known me for less than a month and was SURE I am going to make the same choice?)

*"You have a masters degree, I really hope you're planning on using it, it's such a waste of money if you just stay home with a baby."

*"You are planning on staying home right?"

Seriously. I am 19 weeks pregnant and already I have received ALL of these comments/questions. I can only imagine how much worse it gets when the sweet baby is finally out of me! I do understand, sometimes these questions are just conversation starters and well-intentioned people are curious--they aren't meant to be pushing an opinion on me. But honestly, for the most part, I struggle to understand how it is anyone's business if I choose to avoid lunch meat while pregnant, or if I plan on vaccinating my kiddos or not. To just about every question I have responded with "my husband and I are going to talk things over, and with the counsel of our doctor whom I trust completely, and our baby's pediatrician, we'll make a decision for our family and child together." I'm not making my decisions in a vacuum, but I also don't feel the need to consult every person I've ever met who has had kids, or the blogosphere of Mommy Bloggers to figure out what total strangers did for their kids in order to decide what I want to do for mine.

I have decided that being a mom these days must be to live in a constant state of feeling inadequate or inferior to other moms. Never before in history have we had so many avenues to critique one another's choices, or so much information (and, I would argue, sometimes misinformation) at our fingertips--constantly causing us to question the choices we've made for our kids. Where the church used to be a place of support for parents, because most families did things similar ways, it has now become another place of competition among moms, competition that gets intensely personal. I've personally seen friendships disintegrate because people's parenting choices were so drastically different they no longer had anything to really talk about that didn't result in intense conversation/conflict. That makes me sad. Especially because I think we have lost sight of some of the "bigger issues."

We live in a country where some moms have the luxury to debate the pros and cons of feeding a child only organic food but many many moms (right here in our own cities!) still literally have to scrounge each day for any kind of food for their kids. We live in a world where some of us can debate whether or not preschool is helpful, or whether to send our kids to public schools vs. homeschooling them, but millions of moms have to decide which child they are going to educate because they literally can't afford to send both kids to school. We live in a world where some of us have the "luxury" to argue about the pros and cons of vaccinations while other moms watch their children die each day from preventable diseases or contaminated water--moms who would probably kill to have access to some of the vaccinations and medications we have here in our country. Moms discuss, argue, debate, and fight with one another (in person, in the blogosphere, and on talk shows) over hundreds of topics but I think we forget that around the world there are millions of moms literally fighting for the survival of their families.  I wonder what would happen if we were able to approach one another with bigger questions. Instead of "oh my gosh! You're getting an epidural??" what would happen if we said "Okay, we made different child birth choices and both had healthy babies. Now, how can we join together to help those in our community who are pregnant and haven't had access to prenatal vitamins, or proper nutrition or calcium or ultra sounds or any health care choices?" Why do we have to fight with one another instead of banding together to make sure all the kids in our neighborhoods have the privileges our own children have?  As we continue in our parenting journeys how can we use our words to encourage other moms in their choices, even when those choices are different than our own?  We have enough battles to fight, it's time we stopped fighting one another.