Loneliness and Facebook-Land

We've all been there.  We've all felt that deep aching pit in our stomach when we realize it's Friday night and everyone has plans but us.  We have all been left alone in our college dorm room realizing everyone else already went to dinner with someone else and now we need to go alone.  We have all experienced the feeling that everyone else is getting married or has a date or is involved with a great group of friends and we're the odd one out or we're the one at the wedding without a date.  I find it interesting that sometimes we can find ourselves feeling the most lonely when we're surrounded by people.  We can be at a party and all of a sudden realize we don't seem to fit--everyone else looks like they belong but for some reason you don't, and the loneliness creeps in--maybe slowly at first, but then settles like a heavy black cloak over our shoulders for the rest of the evening.

This has been a lonely season for me.  A few things collided in life at once--I moved back into an area where I have several friends, but those friends created new friends and found new community while I was gone so the place my husband and I filled in their lives has been filled by others.  Which is okay, and probably how life should be, seasons of friendships ebb and flow, but in many ways I feel like I'm kind of starting from scratch in the friendship department.  I have met some incredible young women who have been a HUGE blessing and lifesaver as I've ventured into the world of parenthood, but as anyone who has moved to a new place will attest, it takes time to feel known.  I'll be honest, people told me before I had a baby that staying home all day with a newborn is tough--especially for extroverted people, but I never really thought that much about it.  Until I started living it.  It's tough being home alone for sometimes 12+ hours with no one to talk to but a little person who just fusses back at you.  Or I go out and try to be social but the baby gets fussy or is distracting and I never get to feel fully present with the friends I am with--my attention is divided if Aidan is around.  I suppose that's how it should be, but for someone who used to have regularly coffee dates with people where we could chat intimately for hours without being distracted, it's been a tough adjustment.  I hate that I have turned into a terrible listener and a half-present friend.  It adds to the loneliness, to be with people but not feel fully there, for me makes me feel more alone. (Maybe I'm alone in that??)

But, this isn't a pity party :)  I have been reflecting lately on a new element of our culture that I think often contributes to loneliness for a lot of people -- that being the invention of all these social networking sites like Facebook.  There's this phenomenon of "checking in" wherever you are and then "tagging" the friends you are with.  At first glance, this isn't a terrible concept, it's kind of fun seeing who is out where.  However, more than once, I've seen friend's posts about being at parties or events or movies or restaurants with other friends of mine, and I've found myself thinking "why wasn't I invited to join them?"  "Do they assume I can't or won't find a baby sitter to get out sometimes?  Or do they genuinely not want me around?"  Or I'll see a post made by a friend about the fun they had with other specific people and while I am glad for them, I find myself feeling left out.  I'm not sure the creators of this new element of Facebook intended for this to contribute to people's sense of loneliness or isolation, but inadvertently I think it has.

Friends of ours told us that they were contemplating leaving their church because people in leadership regularly had dinner parties and gatherings and hung out together--and always posted photos from their events, and always "checked in" and "tagged" who they were with--and it led this couple to constantly feel hurt and left out...they are leaders in the church too, why were they never invited?  Did they not make the "A" list?   It was bad enough that they literally thought about worshiping elsewhere.  Hearing their story and knowing how I've felt this past season has made me wonder how we can have fun and use these fun features and networking sites, but still be sensitive to other's feelings.  I am sure I have caused others to feel left out from something I have posted, and I think this might be something we all might need to be more discerning about.  Yes it was a fun event or double date or movie or outing with friends, but I wonder how much of that actually needs to be made public?  I'm not sure I know the solution, Facebook is a great tool, I just know how I've felt lately when reading friend's posts about where they went, who they went with, and how much fun they had while I was never invited.  It stings.  Maybe this is the adolescent part of me creeping back out, but that voice is still there--still saying "people are too busy to be your friend, but look at all the fun they are having without you."

I've heard several teens comment on this--how it makes them feel when their friends are tagged at events they never knew about.  Facebook is here to stay, and I'm not sure what the solution is--but I'm curious what others think.  Have you ever felt left out looking at photos or seeing status updates about events you weren't invited to?  Do you think it's not a big deal and we don't need to worry what others think?  Other stay at home parents out there have told me (and I can FULLY attest!) that sometimes Facebook makes us actually feel more connected to the world--we can't leave our houses because of nap time but we can at least communicate with others throughout the day.  But do some of you also feel resentment because you're home with a sleeping baby (or a fussy baby who refuses to sleep!?) while others are out having fun without you?  I'm just curious how folks feel, it's definitely not a problem that is solvable by a blog post!  And with that, I'm going to go celebrate the fact that my son IS sleeping and eat ice cream with my friends from The West Wing keep me company on this evening home alone :)

Disconnecting in order to Reconnect

It's been a full week now of being "signed off" from Facebook, and I've started thinking through what this past week has been like without it. I've been pondering what's been different without that familiar blue and white log in screen readily available to me. I have to be honest, while there are a couple things I miss about Facebook, this past week has been SO much more focused and productive, it truly is unreal how much of a difference signing off has made for me. It hasn't been 100% easy, or without temptation, but it truly has been a fantastic break. A friend of mine told me she gave up Facebook a few years ago for Lent and said, "oh you'll love it, it will change your life for the better," and she's kind of right. I do miss seeing what some folks are up to. I miss commenting on the GPC high school girl's pages and photos, I miss seeing my sister's status updates which usually have something cute to do with Lily, and my 13 year old niece just got her own Facebook page so I'm bummed to not get to interact with her a bit more on there, but on the whole, I am amazed at the space it has opened up in my life. I am getting so much more done--when I sit down to answer an email, pay our bills, grade papers, or work on something for Charles in the office, I am finding myself actually doing that task! I know, what a concept, right?? I'm reading a lot more, since my main source of internet time is no longer available to me, I'm getting our housework done a lot more efficiently and am able to be at the church more to help my husband. I'm actually starting my day reading scripture and journaling my prayers instead of clicking around seeing what 700 people did the previous night. I had no idea randomly clicking around various people's pages was really sucking up so much of my time, but this past week has shown me that this was in fact the case. I did sign on last Sunday (Sundays are "feast days" during Lent, so you are allowed to partake of whatever you are fasting from) and honestly my initial reaction was a feeling of being overwhelmed. Way too much information was in front of me about way too many different people and I found I didn't really know where to start. Apparently when you don't check Facebook every couple hours the posts and photos and updates accumulate to an overwhelming quantity.

I'm really not trying to knock social networking, I think there are some amazing aspects to it and it has been wonderful to be able to remain in contact with some folks who are far away. However, if anyone is feeling like they might need to sign off for a little while, I want to encourage you to give it a try, even if it's just for a day or two. There's nothing magical about Lent--just because you may not have begun a fast on Ash Wednesday does not mean it is too late to enter into something for part of the remaining 5 weeks. Lent is about creating space for Jesus, and during this season of transition, change, and a lot of ups and downs, I've needed that space. It feels safer sometimes, to simply hide behind technology when we're feeling less than our best, but I'm slowly discovering that even though the risk is greater, when we give Jesus that extra space to speak, some pretty amazing things can happen. Some pretty desperate prayers can be answered, and we slowly find ourselves a bit more connected...to ourselves, those we share our home with, our friends, and the One who is waiting for us to give Him space to speak.