Live for Now

**This was a devotion I gave for our MOPS group this fall, but as I'm reflecting on a new year, it still seems pertinent to what I'm learning these days!

So there is this billboard I keep passing that is a Pepsi ad.  It’s tag line that keeps catching my attention says “Pepsi.  Live for Now.”   The first time I passed it my initial reaction was “that’s kind of what’s wrong with our culture today…everyone running around living for now…living for the moment….doing what feels good and right in the moment with no thought about future consequences or the impact our choices have on our own futures or the futures of others.”  The next several times I drove by it I had the same reaction.  It seemed selfish to me to live for now…this billboard seemed to be saying to me “go ahead, do what you want, life is short, it’s okay to throw responsibility to the wind and live for the moment.”  I didn’t feel like our society really needed more  permission to behave this way, and every time I went by this billboard I found myself irritated at Pepsi. 

I passed it again yesterday and for some reason its message struck me a completely different way—in a way I’m not sure the masterminds behind Pepsi’s advertising intended, but in a way I thought I’d share with you.  I’ve been working on my 2011 Shutterfly scrapbook this past weekend quite a bit, so the events of that year are fresh in my mind and heart right now.  2011 was a bittersweet year if I’ve ever had one, and through the experiences of the year God patiently taught me over and over again to stay in the present, to not worry about, plan or control the future.  In essence, God was teaching me to “live for now.”   

In January of 2011 my husband and I both finished up our masters of divinity degrees from Fuller Seminary, packed up our apartment in Pasadena, said goodbye to close friends and headed north up I-5 to the new townhouse we had just purchased in Seattle, WA.  Charles had just been given the job as youth director at a church there, and I was going to be helping him out, working along side him, using my degree and training as well while we settled in and prepared to start a family.  We moved in Martin Luther King weekend of 2011 and on January 18^th he started his job.  I was looking back on my journal entries of that winter and realized it only took exactly 3 weeks of working at this church before I wrote the words “Lord, did we make a huge mistake?” It’s a long story but we quickly realized the church we were serving at wasn’t exactly the church that had been described to us in the interview process.  The next several months were full of literally working 70+ hour weeks, panic attacks, accidentally trusting the wrong people with information, learning a lot of lessons the hard way, and feeling utterly & completely exhausted and burned out.  And we found out in the midst of all this that I was pregnant. 

We shared our exciting news with the pastor and mentioned that over the next 9 months we might need to make some changes to our current youth schedule, there wasn’t any way we could keep us that kind of pace when a baby was added to our family.  Two weeks later, in mid-june, he called my husband into his office one Wednesday morning.  He was told they had voted at their meeting the night before and had decided that he wasn’t the right youth director for their church, that he was being let go immediately.  

Honestly our first reaction was “oh thank God we never have to go back to that place, it was killing us.”  But our next reaction was “holy crap!  We are 9 weeks pregnant, we just bought a house, we have absolutely no idea what is next!”  Plus, we were hurt.  We were so angry and so disillusioned by everything that had happened in the past 6 months. 

If there are a few adjectives I could use to describe myself it would be “planner,” “control freak” and “not a fan of surprises!”  Needless to say I wasn’t a huge fan of what God was doing.  I kept trying to trust that whatever he had in store for us had to be better, but I wanted so so badly to know the “whats” and “whens” and “hows.”  We started another nation-wide job search, there were no youth director jobs in seattle at that time, so we knew staying there wasn’t going to be likely.  Doors seemed to be closing right and left throughout last summer.  We kept having this feeling that we were waiting for something but we just hadn’t figure out what it was yet.  We did a lot of traveling, spent a lot of time with family, and Charles even spent the whole month of August at a camp in the middle of nowhere in northern Minnesota doing some youth ministry training and a lot of healing.   In mid-September the job here at First Pres literally fell in our laps.  God worked through some amazing logistics and details and circumstances to bring us right back here, not far from where we started our 2011 journey, to a staff full of close friends of ours from Fuller, to a community that has embraced us and our child wholeheartedly from the beginning.  It was an incredible whirlwind of a fall last year—selling our house, moving down here and in with a family from the church for a month while we figured out where we were going to live, getting health insurance switched and finding a new OB at 32 weeks pregnant.  We moved into our apartment over Thanksgiving last year, spent December getting settled, and Aidan was born MLK weekend of 2012—a perfect beautiful bookend to our bittersweet journey of 2011. 

Through it all, the recurring theme kept being “stay in today.  Live for now.  You can’t do anything about your future until I choose to reveal it, so do not worry.”  In the moment, it was excruciating, but for the first time in my life I felt so strongly that God was somehow in control.  God was bringing us through the desert into a place he was preparing for us, and that somehow it was all going to fall into place before this baby arrived.  I swung back and forth between panic and peace.  But I started to slowly understand what scripture meant when Jesus tells us: “²⁵ “do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]?  ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Live for now.  We have so many things in life we can get caught up in worrying about.  Finances, health, education, our marriages, jobs…the list goes on and on.  But Jesus invites us to let go of those things, to not live in a state of fear and panic about the future.  He invites us to live in this day.  In this moment.  Maybe not exactly in the way the Pepsi folks meant it when they chose their slogan, but I think by choosing to live in the here and now is our way of saying “okay God, I trust you.  I can’t see around the corner.  I can’t see what’s coming up, and that scares me to death, but I choose to trust you.”  We’re entering a new year…January is almost behind us.  What is looming on your horizons this year that has you worried?  What can we place into the hands of Jesus?  I don’t know that I’ve made any new year’s resolutions this year, but attempting to let go and live in today is definitely one of my focuses.  Will you join me in saying no to worry this year? 

The Things I Don't Do

A year ago a good friend of mine introduced me to the book Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist.  It had been an incredibly bittersweet year for us and   Kelli was convinced I needed to read this book.  As I mentioned in my recap of books I read last year, this book felt like my new best friend.  I loved this book.  One of my favorite chapters is one entitled The Things I Don't Do, and is one that has been rolling around in my head a lot lately.  In a lot of ways, I love being a stay at home mom for this season.  I love being able to devote my time and attention to our little one and to creating a clean and comfortable home for us.  However, I am starting to realize that this phase of life is beginning to bring back the perfectionism monster that resides below the surface of my heart.  I find myself putting a ton of pressure on poor little me to make sure I am super productive each and every day, and to make sure my house is always clean by the end of each day, a hot meal is on the table, and to do all those other things I perceive homemakers are supposed to do.

I found myself reaching for my underlined copy of Bittersweet again last night, opening to this chapter, and asking myself "what are the things I want to do with my life?  And what are the things I'm okay with not doing so I can do the things I want to do?"  Shauna explains that she struggled with the same thing--trying to do it all to the best of her ability until she ran herself into the ground.  One day she made a list of the things she is okay admitting she does not do and a list of the things she wants to do well in her life.  I think we all struggle with this--we all struggle with trying to do just a little bit more, and very rarely in our world are we given permission to say "no" to something.  I think the list of things we don't do might change during different seasons of life, but as I've been reflecting on this particular season of life with a husband who works extremely long hours in youth  ministry and a baby who doesn't nap well, I'm coming to a place where I can admit there are things I don't do.  I share these only to help encourage others who might be feeling overwhelmed with the mental to do lists that rule their lives.  It's okay to say no to some things to help make the things we do in life even more meaningful and richer.  Here is what I've said no to for the time being.

**I don't file or paint my nails or give myself manicures.  I know that sounds so silly, but I always look at my nails and think "I should file them or shape them or paint them" and then I never do and they always look terrible waiting for me to do something with them until I finally cut them and begin the whole process all over again.  The other day I started painting my nails and got interrupted by a little one and have now been walking around for 3 days with three painted nails and seven unpainted.  I just need to admit it, I don't do my nails and I'm okay with that.

**I don't make my own eco-friendly homemade cleaners.  I'd love to be one of those uber-green moms, but I can't be right now.  I use my clorox wipes and Simple Green and Scrubbing Bubbles and Windex and for now, that has to be okay with me.  Pinterest would like me to believe this makes me a royal failure as a homemaker, but I refuse to believe that.  I do make a bunch of my own baby food but it's not all organic produce and I still buy about half of the food Aidan eats.  And I'm okay with that.

**I don't decorate for holidays.  I haven't for several years.  I may bring out a holiday scented/colored candle, and I may display Christmas Cards, but in our tiny, over-crowded apartment the amount of stuff I'd have to pack away to make room for holiday decor is overwhelming to me, so for now, I don't decorate and I need to be okay enjoying other's decorations.

**I don't do my hair in any way other than blow drying and curling it.  I don't use bobby pins or practice with cute twists or updos.  I never have, and I have to say I probably never will.  I also don't own lipstick.  Give me chapstick any day.

**I don't iron.  Or sew.  At all.  I literally haven't ironed since I was in high school and my mom made me learn how.  If something is remotely wrinkled I will hang it in the shower or use wrinkle release spray or put something back in the dryer but I will not iron and don't tend to buy clothes that need to be ironed.  All my husband's shirts are no-wrinkle shirts and that is good enough for me.

**I don't hand wash anything.  If I happen to own anything that says hand wash only, I'll put it in the machine on delicate or take it to the cleaners, but I don't hand wash things.

**I don't have perfectly hung photos on my walls--they're almost all slightly crooked--and other than family photos I don't have art in my home.  I kind of wish I did, but we don't have the money for it now and I don't stress about the fact that some walls are empty.  Someday they will be filled, but it may be a lot of somedays from now.

**I can't keep up with pop culture. I wish I could, but I just can't.  I've never seen Dancing with the Stars or the Amazing Race in it's entirety.  I don't watch The Office or 30 Rock or Modern Family even though I know I'd enjoy them.  The Biggest Loser is the only "elimination show" I can seem to follow for a whole season.  I don't recognize most of the bands on the radio and I probably have not seen the latest movies--someday I will via netflix, but it probably won't happen in a theater.  I haven't eaten at the most trendy LA restaurants, I frequent the same comfort spots over and over again--Stonefire Grill, Chipotle, Cheesecake Factory and California Pizza Kitchen.

Looking at this list, I know there are other things I don't do that aren't coming to my mind right now.  It also looks really negative.  All these "I don'ts..."  But then I remember what it is that I do devote my time to doing.  And it helps to put things in perspective.

I do talk to my parents and sister at least every other day.  They live really far away and I will always stay in close contact with them and make time to skype with them and their kids as much as I can.

I do send real birthday cards to friends, not e-cards.

I do spend hours and hours playing on the floor with my little boy.  Sometimes I feel like I am not accomplishing anything, until I walk in and he smiles at me and I know what I'm accomplishing is creating a bond there that means the world to both of us.

I do clean my house.  a lot.  Because I know it lowers my stress level and helps me focus on other things when my space is free of clutter and mess.

I do read every single day.

I do cook homemade meals for my family, although these days that involves almost exclusively the crock pot.  But I'm okay with that, it's easy and do-able for me with my child that does not nap.

I do read blogs because I want to write a book one day and reading them helps keep me inspired.

I do try to be available for my husband when he needs me--to bring him lunch to work or listen when he needs to process his day.

I do take a lot of photos and digitally scrapbook them into albums because preserving and telling my family's story matters so much to me.

I do take naps because I realize how much happier I am with sleep, and my little one still wakes me up 3-4 times a night.  So when he does nap, I generally lay down too for a little bit.

In a world that seems to be driven by the tyranny of the urgent, I think it's okay to have these lists in our heads to help us weigh decisions we need to make about how we spend our time.  How about you?  What are the things you are okay admitting you don't do in order to create space in your life for other things?

Being Present

This post was written awhile ago for a friend's blog-I'm just reposting it here so I have it in my archives :)

I wish I could say I was a quick learner.  I wish I experienced an "ah ha!" moment once and then always carried that little lesson around in my pocket, never having to relearn it.  Alas, I am not.  I am more of a painstakingly slow learner, often having to allow God to remind me, nudge me, and even sometimes smack me with the same life lessons over and over again.

On January 14 of this year, I became a mom for the first time.  My beautiful baby boy was born, and three days later I found myself at home with this little person who needed my attention all the time.  Rewind to about two weeks prior his birth and you would find me constantly on the move.  I'm a do-er.  Every week I made my to-do list of errands, household tasks, projects I wanted to complete and people I wanted to connect with, and more often than not by the end of the week my list was accomplished--every item neatly crossed out with a highlighter.  I've spent 23 of my 30 years as a full time student, I know how to multitask and I know how to get things done.  If I'm honest, I've found a lot of pride in how productive I've been in a given week.  Friends used to laugh because when we would have a 3 week break from classes I would not just travel to one place--I would usually pack my vacations full of multiple cities or states so I could visit as many friends and family as possible.  Yes, aside from the one month in grad school where I had mono, I have always enjoyed getting things done.

Fast forward back to this winter and the arrival of my little one, and all of a sudden life looked drastically different, more so than ever before.  All of a sudden my most important "task" of the day was sitting in a rocking chair for hours on end feeding my baby.  All of a sudden I found myself laying on a couch doing "nothing" but holding my child who couldn't nap anywhere but in someone's arms.  The dishes sat there, untouched.  The laundry was done when my parents came to visit to help out.  Vacuuming or cleaning the bathrooms?  Ha!  Running lots of errands and connecting with many people?  No longer an option with my son who hated his car seat and left me feeling foggy brained and incapable of connecting with others in a meaningful way.  Those to-do lists I had prided myself on were now non-existent.  And if I'm honest, so many days would come to an end and I would feel so unproductive, so lazy, and so frustrated.  Who was I now if I wasn't Ms. Productivity?  I knew in my head what I was doing for my baby was infinitely more important than doing the dishes, but for a slightly-OCD person like myself, sometimes all I wanted to do was clean my kitchen!

It's been four months now, since the arrival of our little one, and I think I am finally beginning to learn my lesson.  The other day I laid down with Aidan in my bed to see if I could settle him down for his afternoon nap.  He snuggled up next to me, nursed for a few minutes, and drifted off into a peaceful sleep.  "Alright!" I thought.  "I can finally go get something done!"  As I lay there thinking about what I was going to go sneak off to accomplish, it hit me.  The only thing that was important to me that day was being with my son.  My kitchen was relatively clean--not perfect, but good enough.  My husband and I have plenty of clothes, I didn't need to do laundry just because the basket was full.  All of a sudden grilled cheese sandwiches sounded just fine for dinner, no need to go prep anything fancier.  As I watched him rest, his little lips still making that sweet sucking motion in his sleep, I realized there was no where else on earth I wanted to be.  I was being completely "unproductive" by my former standards, but when I think about what really mattered in that moment, I was doing the most important thing I could have chosen to do--I stayed snuggled up next to his little body and held him as he slept in the safety and comfort of Mommy's arms.

God commands us to "be still, and know that I am God," and I think part of what God had in mind here is that He wants us to surrender our to do lists to Him.  He has spent the past 4 months teaching me over and over again a new way to define "productivity." He calls us to just be, to let go of all the things we frantically try to accomplish to somehow prove our worth here on earth.  He whispers a reminder "Sarah, you're so much more than your list of accomplishments, that is not what gives you your value or worth.  Be still, let me be God, you worry about being fully present for the people I've placed in your life."

A Song of Reorientation

Disorientation, Reorientation. Feeling lost, discombobulated, confused, sucked into a whirlpool of chaos, followed by a turning right-side up again. We see this pattern over and over again in the Psalms--the psalmist will cry out to God from the midst of a vortex of pain, confusion and fear. He’ll cry to His maker “where are you?? When will you act? Why can’t I find you or hear you or see your face??” His honest, heart-wrenching prayers show us his lostness, in fact there’s an entire grouping of Psalms named by scholars “the Psalms of Disorientation.” These are some of my favorite passages in all of scripture, the prayers that give me permission to cry out to God in the midst of my own disorientation in life.

Thankfully, there is another grouping of Psalms that fill the prayer book of the bible. The Psalms of Reorientation--psalms and songs of praise that turn the confused and lost person back to face the One who is still in control. Prayers and poetry that reorients us and our lives, that helps us turn our faces back towards the One who reminds us that when we pass through the waters of life they will not sweep over us because God is our rock and our redeemer.

As we journey through life I’m learning that it can be difficult to stay oriented sometimes. Life feels chaotic. The world throws a lot at us. Disappointments arise and change occurs sometimes faster than we would care to see. This past year has felt like one giant spiral of disorientation for us. We began work at West Side on Jan. 18, and from day one we found our heads spinning with big events to plan, long-standing traditions to effectively pull off (and not “mess up” as we were told by numerous people), dozens of people to try and keep happy because they all believed themselves to be my husband’s boss, and a system of leadership and power that refused to engage in conversation about anything different, outside the box, or remotely new. By February we were exhausted, and that clear vision that we went in to this church with grew fuzzier and fuzzier. The swirling busyness around us kept us from being able to stay oriented to the vision of youth and family ministry God had given us in our time at Fuller. We found ourselves aimless, disillusioned, and doing everything we could to keep our heads above water. This isn’t to say God hasn’t done, and isn’t doing work within this community, but the way we have come to understand ministry, discipleship, outreach and worship were so vastly different from what was happening there that it became impossible to keep ourselves firmly planted.

The first weekend in June my girlfriends and I went out to spend the weekend on Whidbey Island to retreat away together. As my dear friend, Missy, and I were driving up the island looking for our turn off a song came on her ipod and she said “this is my song of reorientation.” I wasn’t sure what she meant by that and she reminded me of the Psalms--how there are psalms of disorientation and then psalms of reorientation that help us refocus in the midst of feeling lost. She said that this song had become her own personal “Psalm of Reorientation,” and that has stuck with me all these months. The song was called “Our God” and was recorded by worship artist Chris Tomlin. As I listened to the lyrics I found tears springing to my eyes. Life felt so painful at that time (we didn’t know this at the time but it was a week before our time at the church officially ended), and the lyrics of the song washed over my thirsty soul like a beautiful, moisturizing balm.

“Our God is greater. Our God is stronger. God you are higher than any other. Our God is healer, awesome in power, Our God. Our God.”

Simple words. But so true. In the midst of the swirling chaos around us we belonged to a God who was our healer, who was greater and stronger than any power structure, church system, or set of traditions that were thrown at us. As we’ve wrestled through the incredible pain of being abruptly asked to leave a church community, the pain of realizing we trusted people who betrayed us, the confusion of questioning our call to ministry, and the anger and disillusionment we’ve experienced being treated so poorly by someone we thought we could respect in ministry, this song has become a healing chorus for me. I’ve listened to it on repeat a lot, and I’ve come to a place where I am beginning to declare “yes, our God IS greater and stronger and higher and more powerful than anything going on in life.”

Fast forward a few months to October 23, our first Sunday in our new church community. We take our seats and wait for the announcements to be given before we rise to join together for our opening song. A familiar chorus begins to emerge from the pianist’s hands and then the words appear on the screen. “Our God is greater. Our God is stronger. God you are higher than any other...” Two Sundays in a row, our first two weeks here, this was our opening song in worship. Experience after experience has shown us that as we serve here, this place is meant to be a place of reorientation for us. We love it at this church, more than words could ever express. From the schedule and calendar that are in place for the youth department (SO much more manageable for the volunteers and staff!), to the way the senior pastor embraces change, worship, leadership and mentoring, to the refreshing messages we’re hearing every Sunday morning about being open to the Spirit and moving forward and doing church differently.

In the midst of a season of so much chaos and transition and pain we are finding ourselves beginning to feel our feet back on solid ground. We still haven’t moved into an apartment. Our belongings are still in Seattle. I still don’t have a doctor to deliver this baby in 8 weeks. We own nothing for this kiddo other than a box of clothes my grandma has sent. But we are okay with that (most days, some days I cry a lot!). We know that in the next 8 weeks things will continue to fall into place, but more importantly our souls are beginning to find rest. We’re finding ourselves coming out of the whirlpool of the past 10 months, we’re catching our breath, and we’re looking around saying “this feels right again.” Our God is faithful, just as he promised he’d be.

555!

I signed in to post my weekly update on baby and our travels and such but realized this is going to be my 555th blog post here on the good ole blog and I figured that required something special! I posted my first post October 21, 2005 when I had been at Fuller for about a month. I thought it would be kind of a fun way to update family and friends on the seminary experience, and it has been. It's kind of fun to look back over the past 6-ish years and see all the major changes and milestones that have happened along the way. The friends who have come in and out of my life, the things I've learned, the new hobbies, passions and interests I've discovered, getting married, becoming an aunt multiple times over, graduating, job hunting, moving, lots of traveling, and now becoming a mother myself. It's been a full half-decade! I now know why people often say "don't get married too early, you grow and change a TON in your 20s!" (Not to say if you did get married young that's a bad thing, it was just the counsel I received multiple times). I look back and realize yes, I have grown, a TON. My world view has changed, my political views have changed, many of my friendships have morphed and changed over the past 6 years, and while my core faith beliefs haven't changed the way I understand faith, God and their connection with our world has changed drastically. As I look back through these pages on this website, here are some of the highlights I've experienced--in lists of 5 of course :)

5 Biggest Life Events
1. Meeting my hubby and getting married (duh!)
2. After years of playing dolls and "practicing" with Megan, meeting Lily Abigail & watching Megs become a mom has been incredible. Being an aunt isn't so bad either!
3. Meeting my small group from Fuller. We spent almost 3 years together, walking through life, sharing the ups and downs. Some of us are still in better contact than others, but all of these women taught me many important things. Thanks, Jenn, Becca, Tera, Alethia, Christina, and Megan.
4. Passing my ordination exams and becoming "call ready." After years of work, studying, learning, asking questions, writing essays, and being examined in front of committees of people multiple times, in October of 2010 I was finally deemed "certified and ready to receive a call."
5. Hospital Chaplaincy--I loved it. I hated it. I learned a ton.

5 Fuller Classes That Shaped me (and my Theology) the Most:
1. Introduction to Family Ministry from Chap Clark
2. The Pentateuch from John Goldingay
3. Women, the Bible and the Church by David Scholer
4. Using Scripture in Pastoral Care from Gordon Oliver
5. (a tie) Ethics from Erin Dufault-Hunter or Perspectives on Christ in Culture by Richard Mouw

5 Favorite Recipes I've Loved Discovering in the past 6 years:
1. Thai Turkey Wraps
2. Double Tomato Bruschetta
3. Butternut Squash Quesadillas
4. Turkey Pesto Panini sandwiches
5. Pesto Chicken Pasta

5 Best Books I've Discovered (and probably raved about on here!)
1. The Poisonwood Bible
2. The Book Thief
3. The Hunger Games Trilogy
4. Harry Potter (the last 2 came out while I was in seminary)
5. Same Kind of Different as Me

5 Ridiculous Head-Shaking Moments (the "are you kidding me?!" life experiences)
1. My stalker my second year of seminary. Friends who remember this story will be shaking their heads at the insanity of the whole situation.
2. So many Thanksgiving cooking adventures. Thanksgiving is usually the holiday that grad students don't travel, since it's only 2 weeks before finals/Christmas break, so I got to celebrate many Thanksgivings with friends. When each person brings their own expectations and family traditions to a meal it provides some head-shaking moments that is for sure! So many messes, good times, and some food turning out more edibly than others (anyone remember the year of the green stuffing? Or the sweet potatoes that we baked without anything to catch the drippings in a borrowed house's oven? Or a certain someone's desire to stay up all night the night before dinner to make sure the turkey was perfect much to our dismay? Or the year we actually managed to simplify things and had an enjoyable time??)
3. 4th of July just about every year. So many crazy, somewhat disastrous experiences. Jenn and I got to experience them all together--including the year we finally got smart, and ditched the fireworks altogether. That was the most enjoyable :)
4. Too much travel. The Christmas of 2008 Charles and I attempted to do an insane amount of traveling to see everyone in our lives in 2 1/2 weeks. We flew to Minnesota, flew to South Carolina (spending a night in the Atlanta airport due to snow), drove to Jacksonville, drove back to South Carolina, drove to Kentucky, drove back to South Carolina, and then finally flew home. This was the trip that has led us to set a 2 state/stop limit on any vacation. We will never do this kind of trip again!
5. Taking this job in Seattle. We're still shaking our heads about the last 7 months. Insanity from day 1. Not sad to be away from this church in the slightest.

5 Ways I've Grown or Changed in the past 6 Years:
1. I recognize my tendencies to be passive aggressive, and have been working on being much more direct in how I'm feeling and what I need in a situation or relationship. I'm nowhere near finished growing in this area, but I am SO much better than I was when I began this blogging journey!
2. I am 100% in favor of women being in ordained, full time, equal ministry to men. When I began seminary (and thus this blog) I wasn't positive what I thought, but my study of scripture has shown me that this is a theological hill I'm willing to fight for and "die on" so to speak. I am SO grateful my husband is just as passionate about this as I am and has promised me he would never even apply at a church that does not fully support women in ministry. When we got to West Side we realized there are still a lot of people there that don't agree with the Presbyterian Church's stance on this, and that made both of us really uncomfortable, one of the reasons I am relieved to be gone.
3. I am much more confident than I used to be--in my knowledge of things, my concept of myself, and in my gifts and abilities.
4. I am a lot more comfortable with gray areas in my faith and in the world. I'm okay with some mystery, with not fully having "the" right answer for situations. I think one day we will know and understand much more fully the ways of God and this world, but for now, I'm much more comfortable sitting in the sometimes-awkward in between.
5. I value my family and the way I was raised even more than before. I took for granted that everyone's family was like mine, and I've learned as I've developed close relationships with friends and with some of their families that this isn't the case. Every family is unique and different, and I am so grateful for the ways that my parents raised me and the family system they created for us.

Unplugging

I have always celebrated Lent by letting go of something in order to create space for other things--usually practices or activities that help me connect more with Jesus or people, and every year I am always glad I've chosen whatever it was. One year was TV for my roommate and I--we spent the end of winter reading, hosting dinner parties, knitting while listening to great music, and walking around the neighborhoods in the evening. My freshman year of college I was fully addicted to AOL Instant Messaging. I would often have 4 conversations going at once with various people while attempting to study at the same time. I decided that wasn't all that healthy, and signed off for 6 weeks, focusing instead on my schoolwork and on connecting with people in person. It was a fantastic experience.

For quite awhile now, I have been realizing something has grabbed hold of my life in a way that I am not super proud of--sucking a ridiculous amount of my time and attention away from other, more meaningful things. Yup, confession time, I'm afraid I've become a little addicted to facebook. I honestly can't tell you how many times a day I check it. I don't even realize my fingers are moving the mouse towards the Facebook link in my bookmarks list. I've realized how inundated I've become with information about people I literally haven't seen since childhood--not that I don't care about them, but these are people I literally don't have a relationship with. It's actually sucking time away from me doing things that I truly value--caring for my home, my husband, my soul mate friends, being fully present with people, reading amazing books, hand writing letters etc. I'll have a free 1/2 hour and instead of picking up a book from my growing pile on the bedside table, I surf facebook until it's time to fall asleep. I don't dislike Facebook, I dislike the way I've let it consume so much of my energy. So yesterday, I posted that I'd be signing off for Lent. It's been pretty obvious to me for several weeks now that God's been nudging me this direction, and I can't ignore that any longer. In these next 6 weeks I hope to read a few books. I hope to bake more and give away that which I create. My husband and I are in the midst of talking through some big life choices and transitions, and I'm hoping to spend more time journaling and praying about these changes. I hope to write more on here, give myself space to think more deeply about things that matter to me. Most importantly, I hope to learn to immerse myself in scripture. I'll share more about what that is going to look like in a later post, but a conversation with our associate pastor yesterday reminded me how absolutely essential it is to let scripture fill us.

I'm actually surprised at the number of people who pushed back when I mentioned I was signing off Facebook (and a few others I know who are making this commitment experienced the same thing). I'm not saying Facebook is inherently bad. I'm not saying I love denying myself. I'm not making this choice because it sounds like a "good challenge." I'm signing off because it was so clear as I was praying about what had a strong hold in my life that this was it. This was what God was asking of me because He does want me to live more intentionally with my time. The tradition in Lent is to break one's fast on Sundays--even in the midst of the darkness of Lent, Sundays are still set aside as "mini Resurrection days." One is allowed to celebrate life by partaking of whatever one is fasting from. So yes, I'll still be checking up on some folks Sunday afternoon. I'll be "awwing" over any new photos of any of my nieces that have been posted. I'll be checking for friend's wedding photos or baby photos that I know are coming up. Maybe I will share some thoughts about the things I've been doing with my time since backing away from the computer. I will probably post links to things I've written over the past week and comment on a few youth group kid's pages because those are things I love about Facebook. But then, I'll sign off again, because between now and Easter I hope to come to a place where I re-discover the joy of living life away from a screen.

Thank You, Dan

Today was a day I'm not sure I ever really expected to see, and as I reflect on it, I do so with very mixed feelings. The senior pastor at Bethany Presbyterian in Seattle, where I'm a member and "under care" (basically it's a way of saying Bethany is my home church throughout the ordination process), Dan Baumgartner, preached during Sunday morning worship there for the last time this morning. Dan has taken a call to be the pastor here in LA, at Hollywood Presbyterian. After eleven years of ministry at Bethany, he's saying goodbye, responding to a very clear call from God, that his gifts need to be used elsewhere for the time being. Knowing what I know of Hollywood's history, it makes perfect sense to me, Dan is the perfect pastor for that hurting congregation, and I can't wait to see what kind of ministry will continue happening there. But that doesn't make the goodbyes for Bethany any easier. I can't even begin to describe what Dan and Anne mean to this congregation, what an incredible pastor he is. As a seminary student, I've had the opportunity to get to know many pastors in many contexts, but I've never met anyone like Dan. He truly has shaped what I understand the role of the Pastor to be, in some ways contradicting my seminary professors a little, which I am grateful for.

We hear over and over again in seminary that we have to be "relevant" to bring Jesus to people who don't yet know him. In some ways maybe this is true, but from my perspective Dan brought Jesus to a lot of people who did not know him, and he did so in a way that I'm sure many "church growth experts" would say was not "strategic, hip, or relevant." I always thought that to be an effective pastor you have to be a flaming extrovert, charismatic in personality and dramatic in preaching. Well, watching Dan has taught me differently. He loves people, but he's a bit more introverted. Dan doesn't preach "topical" sermons with catchy titles while wearing jeans and bouncing around a "stage". Rather he reverently climbs into a pulpit in a coat and tie, sometimes even his clerical robe week after week. He doesn't use power point, video clips, or even have a screen anywhere in the sanctuary to project words of the scripture passages on to, instead he asks people to pick up the bible in the pew in front of them and actually open to the passage he's reading from. Instead of music videos and flashy illustrations, he thoughtfully crafts beautiful sermons full of illustrations from great literature and conversations with real people he's encountered. Every Wednesday night Bethany opens the doors of their fellowship hall to anyone in the community who needs a warm meal and place to sit for a couple hours. No bible study or other such requirements are imposed on them, all they need to do is show up. Dan is present almost always, and I bet he knows the name of most of the homeless men and women who arrive week after week. The stories he has shared of individuals coming to know Christ, individuals he's had the pleasure of baptizing as a result of meeting them off the streets at this Wednesday Night Dinner, even performing a few funerals for some who didn't survive life on the streets are incredible. He's taught me that to be the pastor of the church really means you are the pastor to that community, even to the people who only show up for free food. You sit with them, ask to hear their stories, share a meal, and over the course of years you are granted the privilege of walking with them as they come to know Jesus.

He said recently in a sermon that statistics have shown that people only have a few main ideas in life, and that almost all of what we say somehow connects to one of these main themes. He was reflecting on some of his main themes, that he's preached over and over again in various ways, messages which truly have sunk deeply into my heart and mind as I begin this journey into ministry. These are some of the "Dan-isms" that I will always hold on to--words of wisdom that I know have helped make me the person I am today:

• Pay attention...watch for God, you never know where you will see Him.
• There is a huge difference between going to church and being the church.
• Life following Christ will look different--once we've encountered Jesus things will change.
  
• Living in tension is usually healthy.
• God loves you immensely, and we see that most clearly reflected in Jesus.
• The Sabbath is God's gift to you, we are a culture that has forgotten that. Somehow we have to reclaim the Sabbath.
  
• We are trying to point people to Jesus, or at least not get in the way.
• Always read good books. (Dan is a voracious reader of almost anything, and started a quarterly book club at Bethany inviting people to join him in reading many of the classics, some theology, but many fiction books where images of truth, love, and faith appear).

Back in May I had the opportunity to spend a couple hours with him one on one, driving back from a meeting. I had the chance to pick his brain about ministry, and those two hours are one of the most cherished conversations I've ever had with someone. Here was his advice to me, as a new pastor:

• "Sarah, always preach scripture, preach Jesus, and you will never run out of sermon topics."
• "It is important to set some boundaries, to create time for your family, but remember too, the call to ministry is a call to give your life away. You need to find the balance, if your boundaries are too rigid, you'll miss some incredible opportunities."
• "When you feel that nudge, that inkling that 'I should call this person,' or 'so and so just had a baby, who is healthy and everything is fine, but I should drop by just to say hi and meet the newborn,' always always pay attention to that feeling. Some of the most powerful times of ministry have happened because I just stopped by the hospital to see the new baby."
  
• "Worry about being authentic, that's what makes you relevant, not how many video clips you can pack into a sermon."
• "Your first job needs to be beginning to train your elders. They are there as the spiritual leaders of the church, to seek God on behalf of the church. They aren't there as a business committee. Get rid of the tables they sit around and put them in a circle of chairs facing one another. Lead them in worship, lead them in deep prayer, set the example that you care more about following Jesus than you do about growing your church by a certain percentage."
  

Dan has taught me more than I could ever express over the years. I know Bethany will be fine as they transition a new pastor into the pulpit over the course of the next year or so. And I know I'll still cross paths with Dan at various Presbyterian events. But even so, I still grieve a little from afar, knowing how much he has loved that church and community. Thank you, Dan, for always walking closely with Jesus. And for encouraging the rest of us to do the same.

Dreaming Dreams

We all have them. From the time we are little most of us are asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Some of us didn't have parents that asked us this question or encouraged us to dream, but perhaps we had a teacher who stepped in and allowed us this freedom. My own parents made it clear that we could be absolutely anything we wanted to be when we grew up, that they would do what they could to support us in achieving whatever dreams we had--something I am incredibly grateful for. (Even if we choose careers that girls didn't typically pursue...like...um I don't know, a pastor? My dad says nothing converts a man to being a feminist quite like having a daughter that you want to see attain any thing her little heart desires to pursue!) Over the years I've had a lot of ideas and plans, things I thought I might want to pursue some day--from being an elementary school teacher, to a journalist, an English teacher, a brief stint of thinking I would be a social worker or a speech pathologist, to finally realizing I wanted to be in the ministry. It was the best fit, it actually perfectly allows me to combine all of these past career goals--as a pastor you have to teach, write, read, help with good communication, and often step in as a social worker. It's crazy how all these things that I am passionate about come together--I think God knew what He was doing when I began this journey.

I've always had another dream too, though. I've always dreamed of being a mom like my own incredible mom, of having a family of two or three little ones around, of getting to stay home with them in their early years like my mom did--shaping their early childhood development and laying a solid foundation for them. I've never really known how all these dreams would fit together, and I suppose I still don't exactly. But I do know that my husband and I are entering into a season of life where some answers might begin appearing. We both dream of doing ministry, and we're having many conversations these days of what that might mean for the two of us. Is it realistic to both be involved in full time ministry as our first jobs? Probably not, but possibly. Where do kids fit in? Do we both need pay checks from a church to "do" ministry? We're coming to the conclusion that no, we don't. Ministry for us isn't about receiving a paycheck, it's about a passion, and we realize that may mean one of us receives a paycheck from a church to "do" ministry and the other may act more as a professional volunteer. That's a humbling reality when we both have worked so hard for degrees that we'll be paying off for awhile!

We still don't know how everything is going to work out--but we have come to a few conclusions that we both firmly believe when it comes to seeing our dreams come true. First, we believe strongly that God cares more about who we are as a couple (and someday as a family) than what we do for a living. Our character, our obedience, submission to Him and one another, the way we shape and disciple our kids is so much more important to Him than who pays us to work. If we end up working at Starbucks but have a family that loves and serves deeply those around us, well, as I read scripture, I am convinced that's more important. And the second thing we are walking into this season of interviews and discernment fully grounded upon is the reality that no matter where we end up, no matter whose name is on a paycheck, both of us will do ministry wherever we go. It's who we are. God has called us, trained us, equipped us, and given us a passion for His people and His church and no matter where we end up, we'll be serving. Even after beginning a family we are committed to both of us serving our local church in some capacity. I don't say that to sound self-righteous in any way, I say that because we've been receiving so many questions of "what's next?" "how are you both going to use your degrees?" "will a church hire two of you?" "what about kids?" and it's been a struggle to answer people at times.

We still don't know where we will be. We don't know when we will move, or what positions we'll be moving into. And that's a little stressful, we like answers. But this past year and a half of uncertainty, of planning and dreaming and brainstorming and having the occasional tear-filled conversation with one another has been rich and fruitful. We feel confident that God does have something for us, that God does have a place in store for us to both use our gifts and our talents, and that God does desire for us to begin a family in the relatively near future--and in the mean time, we're going to keep dreaming, because my experience is that God loves it when his children think big about how they want to live in His world.

Stirrings and Confessings

I've become aware lately of a restlessness deep in my soul. It's not a dissatisfaction, per-se, but more of an awareness of just how little intentionality there is in my life these days--how incapable I am at concentrating on and committing to certain things or people. I have let myself become bombarded and inundated with frivolity, and I am starting to see what a slippery, dangerous slope I might be on. It's gotten worse and worse, and I know deep down I am being called to do something about it.

I am longing for depth--depth in relationships, in conversations, in my thinking, writing, and spirituality--yet I seem trapped on the surface. Certainly there are some relationships in my life that are way beyond the surface, but in many other areas of my life, I feel as if I have been content to splash around in the shallow end rather than bravely make my way towards deeper water. I find myself comfortable with being so entertained by the inane that when I do have the opportunity to go deeper I shrug it off, thinking "nah, that'll take too much brain power." (I'll read all the random pop culture blogs written by total strangers but when a good friend writes something thought provoking or spiritually stimulating I hit 'delete' and ignore it--too many big words to potentially process.) Since when did I become this person?

I have let myself become assailed by the thoughts, musings, and daily happenings of 637 "friends" of mine on facebook, so much so that when finished perusing everyone's latest status updates I lack the ability to think beyond what I ended up having for dinner (since that was what everyone else posted about). I am so used to popping open my lap top everytime I have two minutes to kill to see what's new in cyber world that I have lost the desire to choose one thing to think about and invest deeply in it. My ability to focus seems to be disappearing. This has become so much more apparent to me now that I'm working. I'm at my computer all day, with the temptation of the internet right at my fingertips. I'm amazed (and disgusted) at how many times a day my hands automatically enter facebook.com in my webbrowser, or how many times a day I visit my google reader account to see if anyone has updated their blog. I'm appalled at how when something happens, my first reaction now is "wow, that would be a great status update, I'll have to remember to enter that when I get home." I've had really really good friends tell me that they are frustrated when they have to resort to facebook status updates to figure out how I am because I haven't called them back or sent them a real email (or even a hand written note--gasp, what an archaic thing!) in awhile. There is nothing about that that is remotely okay! Yet, I've been content to reside here, cramming my brain full of pointless pieces of information while my soul is crying out for something more.

I have been thinking a lot lately about Jesus' model of his friendships--how he had 3 that were his closest, inner circle, then he had the 12 that were an integral part of his life and a crowd of 70 that made up his primary community who traveled with Him. I wanted to see how this would play out. I went on facebook recently and went through my list of 600-something friends to see where people would fall. I made literal lists (you can group and classify your friends) of people: My 3, My 12 and My 70 and started assigning people to them. Here's what was astonishing to me. Out of my 637 "friends," there were a total of 70 people I actually have a relatively real relationship with and a desire to connect with. This includes family members. (It does not include youth group kids, but that's another story...) 70. Out of 637. Yet I spend hours of my life checking up on these 637 people, many of whom I will never see again. And that means I don't spend hours reading, talking to people, being outside, taking walks, cooking, thinking or writing about anything deeply.

I'm not deleting facebook. I know that would be a great solution to this problem, but it is literally the only way many of our youth group kids will communicate with us, and there are people I do connect with regularly that are actually in that group of 70 with whom I'd like to maintain contact. But, I am going to make some changes in how I want to use technology available to me. I want to use the internet to develop more of my writing and thoughts here on my blog, and to actually write to people, real notes, not mass emails to catch a ton of people up on things. It'll be tough, but I want to avoid updating my status all that often--I don't need 600 people knowing what I did today--we've lost a sense of privacy in our culture that I long to regain a bit of. I do still want to read the blogs and thoughts of my friends, but I don't need to be browsing through total stranger's musings. I can't help but wonder, 10 years from now, if we don't start changing some of the ways we communicate with and interact with one another, what will our relationships look like?

"Have You Done Your Quiet Time?" Why I think we have got it all wrong...

I've been reflecting lately on Spiritual Disciplines, and on how they are often taught in our churches. If you are anything like me, spiritual disciplines often become part of your weekly checklist that sometimes become a scorecard to determine what kind of Christian you have been this week. Does this mental conversation ever happen to any of you? "I read a Psalm today, so I think I get a 'point' for that, and I went to church on Sunday and mostly paid attention to the sermon, so that is probably another 'point,' but I came right home and yelled at my husband because I was tired, hungry and cranky from all the time at church, so that's probably a minus point. I forgot to pray before I ate last night, so that might be a minus point too...dang....back at zero...guess I'll try again tomorrow...." Does that resonate with anyone else? So often we are led to believe that the definition of a good Christian can be boiled down to how many Bible verses one reads in a given week, how many bible studies one attended, how many pages filled with meaningful, thought-provoking prayers and reflections in one's journal, and of course, did we listen to Christian music on the radio, or did we (gasp!) listen to the pop station 'all those teenagers listen to?' I've had several conversations this past week about this very topic and have been inspired to try something new. This whole "spiritual check list" just wasn't cutting it for me because well, I'm not sure this is what God asks of us. I think we've been doing our teaching on spiritual disciplines and on cultivating one's relationship with God all wrong.

The bottom line is that all these actions are trying to draw us deeper into a relationship with God. A relationship. And we all have different ways of developing relationships in our lives. Which means I think that it's okay if we all have different ways of developing our relationship with God. One thing I have always loved about my husband is that he is so disciplined in his life (for the most part!). When it comes to his relationship with God, he does the same process of walking through prayer and scripture every morning. When we got married I tried emulating him a bit. Yeah...it worked for all of 1 day for me...I just could not connect with God the same way he does. Then I realized, well, he and I connect with people very differently, it makes sense that we would connect with our Creator differently. I need a bit more flexibility in my "quiet time" routine. And until recently, I wasn't sure how to create that space.

So I've started trying something new, and I realize this is completely impossible for most people with little kids at home (unless you tried during a naptime maybe?) or who work full time, but I wanted to share what I've been doing. This is literally something I have struggled with my entire life, never really being "in the mood" to read my bible or pray very well. This seems to have changed a bit for me recently and I think the catalyst was giving myself a bit more space for variety in my 'quiet times.'

My friend Jenn gave us bridesmaids beautiful photo storage boxes and I decided to make that my quiet time box.I filled it with my journalMy gratitude journalThe Book of Common Prayer (which has the daily lectionary readings in it...more on that in a second)Note cardsAnd a book I'm now reading at the raving recommendation of two friends of mine in Seattle, The Good and Beautiful God
My ipod is nearby if I want worship music and I bought a special candle to light only during my alone time. My idea was this. Somedays, I want to write in my journal and process something. Some days I have a ton I'm thankful for and want to add to my list in my gratitude journal. Some days I am praying for someone and feel like one of the best things I could be doing at that point is to write a quick note to them to stick in the mail. Some days I want to get lost in someone else's ideas of God and want to read a book for awhile that helps me think and connect with God differently than I would choose to on my own. I have come to believe that reading something from God's word each day is a must, even if I am not "feeling" like it, so I do start each day reading the daily readings from the lectionary (part of that is because my Committee on Preparation for Ministry has asked me to practice this discipline for 2 years, and I think it is a great tool so I am agreeing to try it). (An explanation is below for those who don't know what the lectionary is).

What I have found is that this seems to be working for me. I have given myself freedom to not do the same exact routine every day. I don't want to be doing a formal "bible study" right now where I have to answer questions someone else has come up with, I want to be free to read, think, form my own questions, and write about what I am actually getting out of a text rather than what someone else is telling me I should be getting out of a text. (But during other seasons I have wanted a more structured learning time, they key for me has been letting myself learn to be flexible with where I am instead of doing what others tell me I should be doing). I start my day with a cup of coffee and time alone at my desk with my quiet time box and see where I end up. Like I said, this isn't going to work for everyone, but I'd encourage you, if you're like me and often struggle with how to connect with God, to think outside the box a bit. What are ways you connect with people? Could they be applied to God? What things do you enjoy doing when you're alone? Reading, writing, thinking, praying, drawing, making lists? Could any of those things help you connect with God? (Another fun resources I have been given is called Praying in Color and is a great, super easy, fun way of incorporating doodling and color as we pray for people). People always told me to have a specific space that you regularly came to meet with God and I've never tried that. But now, having cleaned off my desk completely, sans framed photos of my closest family and friends, I have a space that feels like "mine." And it seems to be working. Any other suggestions or ideas for people? What do you do to help you connect? What about keeping going through dry seasons?


**The Daily Lectionary, for those who aren't familiar with it, is a 2 year cycle of scripture readings that you do each day. Each day there are assigned texts to help you experience the whole bible in two years. For every day there are 2 morning Psalms (one is always one of the praise psalms from the end of the book--Psalms 145-150), two evening Psalms, an Old Testament reading, a New Testament reading, and a Gospel reading. The readings aren't usually long, often a 1/2 of a chapter, and you do move around a bit throughout the church year (so the readings during advent would focus on the birth narratives etc) but in the course of 2 years you will read through the entire Old Testament once and the entire New Testament twice, and the Psalms multiple times. It's used by all denominations, and has been in existence for centuries, which I like. So many people read the lectionary every day that I know when I do so I am joining with people literally all over the world reflecting on a given text that morning. You can google it to find out more, but for the daily lectionary text you can visit the Presbyterian Church's devotional page here.

Running Forward

I've been saying for about two years now that I am going to move forward in the ordination process to the next step, which is called 'candidacy.' And until now, I hadn't. It's a long process (a good one, just a long one!) full of much paperwork, writing, essays, interviews, tests, psychological evaluations, and more writing, and I won't go into detail here about how it all works. (If you actually want to know, ask, but well, it's detailed enough that I find people's eyes begin to glaze over halfway through my explanation!) The week is finally here. I fly to Seattle this weekend to meet with the elders at my church on Sunday, a committee made up of elders and pastors around Seattle on Tuesday, and then two weeks later I go back to stand before all of Presbytery (all the ordained pastors in the entire Seattle area) to be questioned. One of the questions I had to answer in the essay I wrote this weekend is

What have you learned about the office of Minister of Word and Sacrament and how well suited are you to this office?

I'll be honest, this was a tough one, and allowed me to really pray and reflect. I've been thinking about this question for weeks now, and I finally had an answer. As I have been interviewing at churches for various positions, and even turning down a church that really wanted to pursue me further (the job description didn't fit me well) I have been able to start to articulate what it is I feel called to do. I'm still scared, being a pastor is a very tough job, but I am done running away from this call. I'm done trying to find excuses and talk God out of calling me to ministry. I'm ready to move forward. Writing the following paragraph in my candidacy essay finally feels like confirmation that I am ready to run towards this call. And that feels incredible!

Saying I want to be a minister of Word and Sacrament still sounds a bit strange to me. I want to be a minister and I feel called to this role. Each of my supervisors in my internships, the two congregations I’ve been part of here in Pasadena, and each of my close friends and family members all constantly affirm this call over and over again. Yet this title of “minister” or “pastor” still seems a bit daunting to me. To have the title ‘Pastor’ or ‘Minister’ still feels like one I’m not worthy of. I look at myself and see an imperfect person redeemed only by the cross and resurrection, exactly the same as everyone else. I fear the expectations that seem to come when people hear one is a pastor. Yet, at the same time, I cannot shake the desire I deeply have to serve in this capacity. To be present in the midst of the most sacred moments of a person’s life is a calling and an honor I don’t take lightly. Proclaiming week after week the forgiveness of sins through Jesus, looking deep into a person’s eyes and reminding them they are partaking of Christ’s body, marking an infant with the sign of the cross, sealing them into the covenant family of God, praying at bedsides of those taking their final breaths, these are the tasks my heart leaps at the thought of participating in. It’s as if I am constantly hearing God whisper, “this is what I have made you to do,” and no matter how intimidating the job description of a minister looks to me at times I simply can’t imagine anything else I desire to do.

Living Admist the Question Marks

It's definitely been an interesting season for us, one we are still very much in the midst of (or really probably at the beginning of). For the last year or so we've been living and thinking a lot about all the question marks that exist in our lives, which, we'll be honest, is starting to get a little frustrating. Our faith is definitely being strengthened as we're constantly reminding one another that God does have something for us, that God will lead us to the place we are supposed to be investing in. There are just so many unknowns for us right now, and we're both planners. We'd love to know where we will be heading next in life, and when that might happen. And it seems like that's not for us to know right now. Which is okay, just a little scary at times. Will we be moving to Seattle? Texas? the Midwest? Somewhere we haven't even applied to yet? What will we be doing? When will we be called to go? What happens if I get a job offer before my husband is done with his work/internship here? Do I go without him for a few months? That doesn't sound all that appealing to me :) We have a family reunion with my family in Colorado in August to celebrate Grandma and Papa's 60th wedding anniversary that we'll be going to, but we don't exactly know what city to buy plane tickets from! I am assuming we'll be in LA still, I know my husband will, but if I got a job on a college campus I presume they'll want me in time for the fall semester to start. So many unknowns. We're seeking God a lot right now, I'm slowly interviewing at places, and Charles is working hard to finish his seminary career well. And we're waiting. That's all we can do. Wait together for God to move, and we trust He will, we're just praying for the faith to follow where He leads.

Protecting Love

If you have followed my blog or facebook status updates lately, you already know I'm thinking a lot about the idea of boundaries--what they are, how to use them, why they are important etc. In my conversations with people I am often amazed to hear that "boundaries aren't biblical," and I've seen people be convinced of this by the church. I really disagree with this, and think we do a lot of damage to people and families when we support this kind of rhetoric. I think boundaries are very biblical--Jesus set them all the time with people, he definitely did not give every person he encountered exactly what they thought they wanted from him. He withdrew to be alone many times. He chose three individuals to share special information with that others were not privy to. He rebuked behavior when people were acting outside the lines of their allocated sphere of power or responsibility.

In my reading on the topic I have found several things to be helpful as I think through why this is so important, and I thought I'd share just a couple of the things I'm chewing on these days. What I'm really learning is that we are never able to control another person's choices or behavior. I know, duh, right?! Sounds so simple, but how often do we attempt to manipulate, coerce, or bully others into changing something WE want them to change? A lot! This is what I am really really trying to hard to remember. I am in charge of me: my feelings, emotions, reactions, and behavior. I am not able to change or control anyone else no matter how badly I may want to. Therefore, since I can control what I do, I need boundaries in place because I cannot control what others do. It essentially works like this. Say I am in relationship with someone who does nothing but gossip or talk about others all day long and I'm tired of listening to it. We'll call her Terry because, well I don't know a Terry. Spending time with Terry listening to her gossip all the time is making me feel guilty, it's negatively influencing my opinion of the poor people Terry continues talking about, and I am generally feeling more and more negative as I spend time with her. I can't make Terry stop talking about others. I can't control what comes out of her mouth. But, what I can do is choose to not listen or engage in this gossiping behavior any longer. I can tell her, "Terry, I love you and value our friendship. I want to stay in relationship with you, but I'm not comfortable engaging in conversations with you about other people. If you would like to change the subject and talk about something else, that would be great, but if not, I'm afraid we can't meet for lunch each week any longer."

Some of you probably think that sounds pretty harsh, like I might hurt her feelings if I actually had this conversation with her. Well, that's the other big thing I am learning from studying boundaries: hurt is not always bad. Harm is bad, but hurt is not necessarily bad. When we set boundaries, we will probably hurt people's feelings. But more often than not, that hurt might inspire a person to look at the behavior they are engaging in that is causing damage in relationships, and can possibly inspire change. Harm is when we purposefully and maliciously try to hurt a person. This is wrong, but hurt isn't always wrong. We can't go through life never hurting a person's feelings, and I don't think that should be our goal. If we hurt someone's feelings by setting a limit with them, again, we can't control that--we can't control other people's choices or reactions, only our own. We can choose to live in a sober environment. So if we are living with an alcoholic, we can say "I choose to live in a sober home, you may join me and get help, or you may choose to drink, I can't control which choice you're going to make, but I can choose to live in a safe, sober environment." Sure, the alcoholic may have their feelings hurt, but are we harming them by protecting ourselves? I don't think so, not at all.

"Scripture is full of admonitions to separate ourselves from people who act in destructive ways. We are not being unloving. Separating ourselves protects love, because we are taking a stand against things that destroy love." (Boundaries, Henry Cloud & John Townsend page 46) I am coming to believe this strongly. I have experienced this week how hard this is to do, but I have also seen first hand the pain that can come from not telling people "you're out of line. We love you, but we can't continue to engage with you as long as this behavior is not changing." I'm curious though, what have you been taught about boundaries? What do you think?

Commitment to Community

I have always believed community to be important, not just having people to be social with, but having people to really live and share life with. I have always encouraged people to be part of small groups, people to share more deeply with one another, and believe strongly that this is a spiritual discipline we as Christians are called to--sharing life with each other. But I learned this past year, that community, at least this kind of intentional community, doesn't just happen. It takes time, effort, flexibility, intentionality, and some sacrifice to make it happen. And when it does happen, oh what a truly beautiful thing it is!

The small group I have been part of (I think we're going on 3 years now??) has been so important to me, but it was not until this past week, when we were trying to figure out a time to meet these days in the face of even busier schedules and major life changes, that I realized just how much I need time with them. I know I am a happier person, I know I am a better wife when I have great, intentional time with women during the week to share with them my fears, joys, and concerns, I know I am encouraged in my faith through them. We had such a difficult time emailing back and forth trying to figure out when we could meet to make it work for everyone, and it looked like I was going to be the one who was going to have to step back for the next few months, because I have a prior commitment on the night that seemed to work for everyone else. And I found myself already beginning to grieve not being with them. Which surprised me. It's almost as if the potential for absence was already making my heart grow fonder. I need these women. I need the space to come and be authentic, not hide. I need to be able to ask the questions I'm wrestling with. I need to be silly and girly and talk about the latest sale at The Gap or the Oscars, or church dynamics or sex. (And re-reading this, I do realize that talking about church dynamics is not exactly a typical "girly" topic of conversation, but when you're in a small group of seminarians, it is!) These things are SO important to me, and this morning, after an amazing meal shared with them last night, and our scheduling issues worked out (we found a night that works for everyone!) my heart is full of gratitude for them and I praise God for giving me such a faithful group of friends. And I also praise him for the reminder that it's tough to make it work all the time. Lives get busy and it's easy to say "I just can't make it tonight to small group." But we're trying to be intentional about making one another a priority on that night of the week, to say "no this is important enough that homework or church stuff or other commitments can wait." And I am so thankful we're able and willing to do that!

And I Resolve...

Ahhh a new year. 2010. I think it has a nice ring to it. I like new beginnings, and for the first time I am not a student anymore. The fall no longer is the beginning of my year. January is. I enjoy thinking through what a new start means. I realize there is all kinds of research that says January is actually not the best time of the year to try to change habits in our lives--it's the dead of winter and that really isn't all that inspiring for most people! But that hasn't deterred me. (I live in LA, there is no winter here....not "real" winter anyways!) I have had fun this past week thinking through different areas of my life and things I either want to hang on to or things I want to change about my habits, patterns, or lifestyle. I realized just how many facets of life I have (we all have). Usually most of us make a goal that centers on one area of life, without really thinking through other aspects of our lives (this is always what I have done in the past). But I wanted this year to be different. We all have our physical health. We all have some type of spiritual aspect of our lives. We have social aspects of our lives etc. So I decided that this year, I was going to make several goals for 6 different areas of my life. I know, that sounds a bit extreme, but some are simple and some are going to take most of the year to accomplish. This is the first year I have ever written them down on a piece of paper the perfect size to paperclip into my day planner, so I'll have them in front of me each day. I know that many of you are thinking I'm nuts, that I'll probably fail (and you are right, on some of these goals, I will probably fail, but that is not a reason to not try!) I'm not going to share all my goals here, I'll do that with a few friends for accountability, but here on the blog I will share my 6 categories/spaces of life that I thought through, and I'll give you a couple of examples of things on my list this year.

1. Social life--here I wrote down specific people in my life I want to be better about maintaining contact with, and gave myself a goal for how often I wanted to make sure I was working on getting in touch with them. Sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed at the number of people I want to keep in touch with, and it felt really good to make a list on paper and make a plan for how I'd love to do that better this year.

2. Spiritual health--one of my goals here was to practice a technology-free sabbath one day a week. I don't need to be connected to my computer or text messaging all the time, so one of my goals is to turn them all the way off for a day and take space to do something else.

3. Personal life--this was a fun category :) My 28 books that I want to read this year are in this category, as is the goal of learning to knit something other than a scarf this year!

4. Professional life--writing down a specific number of hours I wanted to devote to job hunting, paperwork needed to future ordination stuff etc went in this category.

5. Physical health--goals for how often I wanted to do different types of work outs went here.

6. Marriage--we all have things we do that negatively impact those we live with. I spent some time thinking and praying about a few things I wanted to work on in order to love and serve my husband even more.

I'm not superwoman. I won't be perfect at all of these. I won't even be close on some. But I resolve to stop making excuses as to why I can't work on some of these things. In 2010, I resolve to try. And that's all I expect of myself.