A Song of Reorientation

Disorientation, Reorientation. Feeling lost, discombobulated, confused, sucked into a whirlpool of chaos, followed by a turning right-side up again. We see this pattern over and over again in the Psalms--the psalmist will cry out to God from the midst of a vortex of pain, confusion and fear. He’ll cry to His maker “where are you?? When will you act? Why can’t I find you or hear you or see your face??” His honest, heart-wrenching prayers show us his lostness, in fact there’s an entire grouping of Psalms named by scholars “the Psalms of Disorientation.” These are some of my favorite passages in all of scripture, the prayers that give me permission to cry out to God in the midst of my own disorientation in life.

Thankfully, there is another grouping of Psalms that fill the prayer book of the bible. The Psalms of Reorientation--psalms and songs of praise that turn the confused and lost person back to face the One who is still in control. Prayers and poetry that reorients us and our lives, that helps us turn our faces back towards the One who reminds us that when we pass through the waters of life they will not sweep over us because God is our rock and our redeemer.

As we journey through life I’m learning that it can be difficult to stay oriented sometimes. Life feels chaotic. The world throws a lot at us. Disappointments arise and change occurs sometimes faster than we would care to see. This past year has felt like one giant spiral of disorientation for us. We began work at West Side on Jan. 18, and from day one we found our heads spinning with big events to plan, long-standing traditions to effectively pull off (and not “mess up” as we were told by numerous people), dozens of people to try and keep happy because they all believed themselves to be my husband’s boss, and a system of leadership and power that refused to engage in conversation about anything different, outside the box, or remotely new. By February we were exhausted, and that clear vision that we went in to this church with grew fuzzier and fuzzier. The swirling busyness around us kept us from being able to stay oriented to the vision of youth and family ministry God had given us in our time at Fuller. We found ourselves aimless, disillusioned, and doing everything we could to keep our heads above water. This isn’t to say God hasn’t done, and isn’t doing work within this community, but the way we have come to understand ministry, discipleship, outreach and worship were so vastly different from what was happening there that it became impossible to keep ourselves firmly planted.

The first weekend in June my girlfriends and I went out to spend the weekend on Whidbey Island to retreat away together. As my dear friend, Missy, and I were driving up the island looking for our turn off a song came on her ipod and she said “this is my song of reorientation.” I wasn’t sure what she meant by that and she reminded me of the Psalms--how there are psalms of disorientation and then psalms of reorientation that help us refocus in the midst of feeling lost. She said that this song had become her own personal “Psalm of Reorientation,” and that has stuck with me all these months. The song was called “Our God” and was recorded by worship artist Chris Tomlin. As I listened to the lyrics I found tears springing to my eyes. Life felt so painful at that time (we didn’t know this at the time but it was a week before our time at the church officially ended), and the lyrics of the song washed over my thirsty soul like a beautiful, moisturizing balm.

“Our God is greater. Our God is stronger. God you are higher than any other. Our God is healer, awesome in power, Our God. Our God.”

Simple words. But so true. In the midst of the swirling chaos around us we belonged to a God who was our healer, who was greater and stronger than any power structure, church system, or set of traditions that were thrown at us. As we’ve wrestled through the incredible pain of being abruptly asked to leave a church community, the pain of realizing we trusted people who betrayed us, the confusion of questioning our call to ministry, and the anger and disillusionment we’ve experienced being treated so poorly by someone we thought we could respect in ministry, this song has become a healing chorus for me. I’ve listened to it on repeat a lot, and I’ve come to a place where I am beginning to declare “yes, our God IS greater and stronger and higher and more powerful than anything going on in life.”

Fast forward a few months to October 23, our first Sunday in our new church community. We take our seats and wait for the announcements to be given before we rise to join together for our opening song. A familiar chorus begins to emerge from the pianist’s hands and then the words appear on the screen. “Our God is greater. Our God is stronger. God you are higher than any other...” Two Sundays in a row, our first two weeks here, this was our opening song in worship. Experience after experience has shown us that as we serve here, this place is meant to be a place of reorientation for us. We love it at this church, more than words could ever express. From the schedule and calendar that are in place for the youth department (SO much more manageable for the volunteers and staff!), to the way the senior pastor embraces change, worship, leadership and mentoring, to the refreshing messages we’re hearing every Sunday morning about being open to the Spirit and moving forward and doing church differently.

In the midst of a season of so much chaos and transition and pain we are finding ourselves beginning to feel our feet back on solid ground. We still haven’t moved into an apartment. Our belongings are still in Seattle. I still don’t have a doctor to deliver this baby in 8 weeks. We own nothing for this kiddo other than a box of clothes my grandma has sent. But we are okay with that (most days, some days I cry a lot!). We know that in the next 8 weeks things will continue to fall into place, but more importantly our souls are beginning to find rest. We’re finding ourselves coming out of the whirlpool of the past 10 months, we’re catching our breath, and we’re looking around saying “this feels right again.” Our God is faithful, just as he promised he’d be.

Weeks 25, 26, & 27! Lots of Life Updates!

The 3rd trimester starts on Sunday--that's crazy to me! The second trimester does feel like it was really long--a LOT happened in the past 13 weeks in our lives, so I know we still have a ways to go until we meet our little guy, but we also still have a lot of things in life left to get settled before he arrives, so I'm okay that we have another 13 weeks to go! I realize I haven't written each week in the past few weeks, but here's the scoop on our lives and baby in the past 3 weeks!

Week 25--our little dude hit the weight of a rutabaga. No, I don't know what a rutabaga is or how to cook/eat it, but I do know that a rutabaga is about a pound and a half, and apparently that's what Baby K weighed two weeks ago. This week was discerning week for us, as we headed home from our trip to Los Angeles with a job offer on the table. We loved the church, our new senior pastor, their vision for youth ministry (it actually looks like FUN at this place instead of so much work!), and the idea of being back with friends who know both of us really well. We weren't so sure about the financial piece of living in Los Angeles. We sat with it for a few days, we spent time together in the SPU chapel sitting in silence, separately journaling our thoughts and questions. We researched health insurance rates and rent rates. We received a super supportive email from my dad that week as well, reminding us that the first and most important thing to discern is the call itself. Is this a church and community we can see ourselves part of? Is this is a senior pastor we can work well with who actually will support Charles? Would we be happy living there? He reminded us that if the answers to those questions were "yes" then part of trusting God is trusting that the finances will work themselves out somehow, but probably shouldn't be the #1 reason to turn down an otherwise great job offer. He reminded us that once our little guy is a couple months old I can always look for part time work to help with the bills, something I'd love to do anyway (even if it's taking in someone else's baby while I'm watching ours too, or working part time for a church in the area or for Fuller again). There are ways to make finances work. We learned here that while our financial situation was stable, the church was not and that wreaked havoc on our marriage, our physical health, our emotional health, and even our spiritual health. Choosing a job based on financial stability doesn't seem to be the right answer all the time! We were definitely grateful for his counsel and words of wisdom & support, and after a couple days we accepted the job offer! After 4 months of not being able to answer the "what's next?" question, we were thrilled to share with people that we'll be heading back to a place that was so rich for both of us in our time there.

Week 26! This was a HUGE week for us! Baby has grown as long as an English cucumber (the long skinny ones!) He's busy working on his lung development and the maturing of his reproductive organs, and the little dude has reached about 14 inches long from head to heel.

Baby and I started the week off by spending Sunday afternoon enjoying a day with my girl friends up here celebrating Lynn's upcoming wedding! Seven of us headed over to Bainbridge Island on a ferry for a gorgeous afternoon of wine tasting (well some of us tasted!), wandering the cute town, and enjoying an incredible meal at the restaurant Hitchcock. Everything we ordered was to die for. Their menu is based on what's in season, so everything is ridiculously fresh and gourmet--my kind of place! I enjoyed the ricotta gnocchi (gnocchi are like dumplings made out of flour, and in this case, ricotta) mixed with pine nuts, yellow summer squash, blue cheese and parsley. It was amazing. (This photo is the 7 of us from Darbee's wedding earlier in the summer. I will miss these amazing women like crazy when we do move and have been so grateful for another season of life spent with them here in Seattle).

The other super cool thing we did during week 26 was attend a live taping of a radio show/podcast called The Kindling's Muse. Every month at Hales Pub and Brewery in the upstairs banquet room, a group of people come together to discuss a given topic in the theological world. This past Monday they were discussing Rob Bell's book Love Wins. Dick Staub, local guru of theology and pop culture hosts the show and has usually 3 guests on to talk about the topic of the night. This past week two were Seattle Pacific professors and one was our good friend Bryan Burton, associate pastor at the church we just left and professor at Fuller Northwest. Bryan invited us to come and we jumped at the chance. It was awesome! The audience of about 70 sits at tables and can order food and drinks as they listen (and submit questions to the panel) and the theologians discuss the night's topic. Food, wine, beer, theology, community being formed as guests interact at their tables...we LOVED it! If you're ever bored, check out some of their podcasts, you can listen right on line, and the conversations are fantastic and thought provoking.

Also up in week 26....the infamous prenatal glucose screening. Da da dum. I'd been hearing about this test for years now as friends of mine have experienced it, and I knew the day would come when I too would get to drink the kool aid. For those of you who either had kids way before they did this, or who haven't yet had the pleasure, allow me to enlighten you :) Everyone I've talked to did theirs a bit differently, but mine was a 2 hour process. I headed in to the doctor's office first thing Tuesday morning having not eaten anything since the night before. They drew my blood to see what my numbers were while fasting, and then handed me a 10 oz fruit punch flavored drink with 50 grams of sugar in it (a teaspoon you add to your coffee has about 4 grams of sugar). You have to get the drink down in about 4 minutes and then sit there for an hour when they'll draw your blood again, and then sit for another hour and get a third blood test. It's basically to see how your body is processing sugar while pregnant and to screen for any gestational diabetes. I was doing okay until I visited with the doctor half way through the test and she had me lay down to take the fetal heart rate. When I sat back up the room started spinning and needless to say I lost all the fruit punch in my stomach. Which means, I had to start all over again the next day with the fasting, blood tests, and drinking the kool aid again. Not fun. But day 2 went much better & I do not have signs of diabetes, so for that I am super grateful. I am also grateful to not have to drink that stuff again til baby #2 comes along some day!

On Thursday of week 26 we became Aunt & Uncle again!! Sweet Brooke Elizabeth was born to my little sister! She weighed in at 7 pounds, 9 ounces and is healthy and doing fantastic--praise God! Apparently her birth was a super great experience, exactly the kind of birth experience Megan wanted, and my mom was over the moon that they'd asked her to be in the room this time when Brooke arrived (she and dad were in the waiting room when Lily was born). Dad was on Lily-duty for the day at home and brought her up to the hospital to meet her "baby Brooke" when Megs was out of delivery. So grateful everything went well, and now I'm working on figuring out when I can get back there in the midst of our moving to meet my newest niece!

Lily meets her baby sister and gives her sweet kisses!

This picture pretty much makes me tear up every time I see it. We have an almost identical one of me "holding" Megan when she was born.

A baby sister can never have too many kisses!

Pretty much the happiest Papa in the world! We told him he needs to grow that 3rd arm between now and January for our little one!

Saturday was a day of celebration! We celebrated Lynn & Adam's wedding at probably the coolest venue ever! The top of the Columbia Tower (the tallest building in Seattle) is where their ceremony & reception were held--it was incredible! Such a fun time with friends that continued late into the evening after the wedding at a local bowling alley. This was later that night bowling--I learned that pregnancy can really throw off your ability to bowl. Not that I was great to begin with, but I am usually better than I was!

Also on Saturday was Lily's 2nd birthday! We video chatted and she told us it was "happy birthday Lily's turn!" She told me that she got to eat cake, and open presents and I asked what she got. Her response was "baby Brooke!" Not a bad birthday gift! She also laid down on the bed next to Brooke to show me who was the bigger sister :) Happy birthday sweet Lily, you've made all our lives more joyful and richer than we could ever imagine!

She got a bike for her birthday! And her special "bike hat" that she showed me how she puts on whenever she wants to ride. Such a big girl!

Papa helping her figure it out

Yum! Chocolate cake!

We spent the rest of week 26 packing stuff up and getting our house spotless and staged perfectly for it to go on the market this past weekend. We even have our own website our realtor made us. Wanna buy a sweet townhouse? Click here!

Week 27! Well, technically week 27 just started yesterday so not too much excitement has happened yet! Baby boy is now weighing in at about 2 pounds! (About the weight of a head of cauliflower) and is developing his little brain more and more each day. He's opening and closing his eyes, moving around a TON, listening to our voices, and practicing his sucking reflex by sucking on his cute little fingers. I am eating everything in sight--amazing my husband with my constant requests for seconds. It's our last full week in Seattle together, Saturday we leave to begin our trip south and once we get there Charles will begin work and I'll begin looking for a place for us to live. The church is graciously hosting us with a family for a few weeks until we have a place to call home. Also on the list of things to do immediately? Find a new doctor since we'll be delivering this little one down in LA now. So we're trying to clean out our fridge this week--eating random things for meals because that's what we have on hand, we're seeing some friends, continuing with our packing, and praying someone wants to buy our house soon. That's pretty much it for this week, we're getting more and more excited about our new church and community waiting for us in LA!

Phew! If you're still reading, congratulations! It's been a busy few weeks, but we are so grateful our little man is healthy, kicking around in there, and growing just like he should!

Wanting Words

I have a ridiculous number of unfinished blog posts right now saved in blogger. I get a couple sentences into a post, and then for various reasons just stop writing. A lot of times I don't feel like I have words to express what I'm thinking. A lot of times I start writing about something I am thinking about, and then quit because I worry people won't like what I have to say. This blog has been used in the past to share the things I'm wrestling with or experiencing, but in the past few months my ENTIRE life has been consumed by church. I don't think I was prepared for how consuming life in ministry would be. And I don't think that's necessarily the way it is supposed to be, but for this season, that's our reality. I want to share what I'm thinking, what I'm wrestling with, and what our experience has been, but it's been pretty overwhelming, and I'm struggling to find the words. It's been a hard season. We're tired. We're feeling a bit of burn out (and it's been 3 months...I now fully understand why the average youth minister lasts 18 months in a church before resigning). At the same time, we're loving getting to know people, and have been SO welcomed by so many--and we truly have been delighting in chances to share meals with a variety of people in our congregation. We're also trying to figure out how to strengthen our marriage during this season where we often do not have one evening in the week free to even share a meal together. I have SO many things bumbling around in my head, and I'm still looking for the words to express them. A great friend of mine encouraged me the other day to continue being authentic on here, continue sharing what's been going on and what I'm thinking, and that's always been my desire--and thanks to her encouragement, that's what I plan on doing. So stay tuned, I promise, I have thoughts, and they're slowly being transformed into intelligible sentences, and when they are, I'll continue sharing.

I'm Sorry

One of the things I'm learning about human nature is that we've somehow been taught it is not okay to not be okay. We've been taught that even if we do admit something is wrong we're immediately supposed to brush it off and tell people "oh well, I'll be fine, it'll be okay." If we do go into detail about why things are hard, and somehow take up the entire conversation with someone, many of us feel guilty about that. We "should" have just said we'll be okay and then asked them how they were doing. That's what we should be doing. Has anyone else ever felt like this? I know I have. I ran into this all the time as a hospital chaplain, people would tell me that life actually was not okay for them right now, and when I would say "I am sorry" they would brush me off "oh it's okay, I'll be fine." I run into this all the time with the teenagers I've loved over the years. Somehow we have created a culture where the socially acceptable mantra is "It's okay." It's okay that my boyfriend dumped me. It's okay that my parents fight all the time. It's okay that my teachers don't take me seriously. It's okay that adults in my life don't take the time to really listen to me. It's okay that I have cancer, I'll be fine.

You know what, it's actually not okay. And in my opinion, it's okay to say it's not okay. Many people can't say this for themselves, so I've learned that one of the most important things we can do for a person who is struggling or suffering is to say it for them. I've done this a lot, and the response is always amazing. It usually invites deeper conversation. Sometimes it will bring to the surface those tears that have been threatening to spill over--the tears the individual is desperately trying to stuff down in effort to prove that she really is "okay." A student I know well actually wrote a blog post on her own blog about the time I did this with her. These words that she wrote have meant the world to me, because it shows me how simple, yet essential it is to give people to space to not be okay. Here's what she has to say, in her own words:

so tonight when i was at church we were given the opportunity to talk to the person next to us and share about a time when God has gotten us through a rough time. I got the chance to talk to Sarah, which I am so happy i did because she taught me something tonight that i will for sure keep with me for the rest of my life. when she asked me to share i told her that the rough time is now and thats really true. like right now my life is just…. haha let’s just say there have been a lot of tears in the last month and i’m really surprised i havent run out of them yet. and when she asked me if i felt betrayed (I had a sense as to what she was going through, I didn't just randomly guess the feeling "betrayed"), i said yes and she responded by saying “im sorry”, and after hearing that phrase so much i just automatically said “its okay”. but then she said something to me that no one had ever said before. she told me “no, its not okay. it sucks. its okay to say it sucks” and for the first time i realized that is right. its crazy to think that there are so many times people have offered me sorrys and i’ve just kind of turned them down by saying “its okay”. i guess its because i’ve heard “i’m sorry” so many times in my life that it stopped meaning something to me… and then later another leader came up to me and asked me how i was on a scale from 0-10 and i told her -5, and of course she replied with “i’m sorry” and once again i said “its okay” and she looked me straight in the eye and said “no, its not okay. its okay to say ‘yeah it sucks’”. words cannot describe how much what those two said to me tonight meant to me. cause it does suck right now, and because of them i’m not afraid to say it does anymore. so, for anyone reading this, if someone says “im sorry” to you when you’re feeling as crappy as i am right now, don’t be afraid to say “yeah, it sucks” because they mean their sorry…. they really do care even though it might seem like they don’t because others don’t. alright, thats it.

She's right. Validating someone's feelings, reminding them that it's okay to not be okay, letting them feel whatever it is they are feeling, these things aren't difficult. But they give a person so much freedom to truly feel, and I have come to believe that it is only when we truly allow ourselves to feel, to fully experience the emotions we're dealing with, only then can we begin to experience healing. As Jerry Sittser writes in his amazing book on grief, A Grace Disguised, "the quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.”

7 Quick Takes Friday--or everything you never cared about

Hi friends! Happy Valentine's Day weekend! Here is the latest and greatest from Seattle!

**1**
I love my little house keeping binder. I really do. I'm telling you, it has made a world of difference for me in a couple ways. I used to save house cleaning for one full day. Those days were exhausting--I'd end up doing 5 loads of laundry, and cleaning absolutely everything in one day, and the place would look awesome for about 2 hours. When company would come over for a meal, I'd spend that whole day frantically trying to make it look presentable, plus cook and grocery shop. And it was always stressful. I don't really want to live like that anymore. I like things to be picked up, and now, thanks to a weekly plan (that of course will change here and there as life happens, it's not set in stone, it's just a guideline!), I don't have to feel overwhelmed by a list of chores. I've spent about an hour (sometimes a bit more depending on the chores) each morning on that day's task, and then I'm done (errands day of course takes longer!). Yup, I'm a fan.

**2**
I think the other major difference I've noticed since having an intentional space to write things down in is how I feel physically and how I am taking care of my body. Because I'm writing it down, I am actually drinking 8 glasses of water a day. I am remembering to take both my vitamins and my calcium. I am drinking 2 glasses of milk a day (I know, some of you think this is unhealthy...I don't, I enjoy non-fat milk and have never had any adverse side effects from drinking dairy). But the biggest thing is in what I'm eating throughout a day. I commented to my husband last night how different I felt, and I think it's because I'm intentionally eating so much produce, filling it in with lean proteins and some whole wheat bread/crackers. When I am hungry I think about what colored food I haven't had yet today and go for that (okay the key is keeping a bunch of produce on hand for this to work!). In the last few days I've had more spinach, kale, and sweet potatoes than probably in the last year, and it has been awesome. My stomach feels happier, less heavy, and well...Oprah and Dr. Oz aren't kidding about the other benefits of eating so much natural foods and fibers!

**3**
One of the books I am currently reading is one I picked up about a month ago with a Barnes and Noble gift card I had one day. The title caught my attention. It's called "Get Energy!" by Denise Austin, and it grabbed me because that's what I always feel like my life lacks. I've never been a super high energy person, I've always wanted to be, but I'm just not. However, lately I've been feeling even more lethargic, desperately wanting cups of afternoon coffee, and just not feeling very awake. I started reading this quick and easy read and love what she has to say already. Nothing she suggests takes very much time, it's all really basic, like stretching for 5 minutes at 3 different points during the day to get the blood moving and deep breathing happening again. She reminds us how important it is to eat a good breakfast to refuel our brains and bodies in the morning...which is always one of my downfalls--I'm a coffee girl in the morning and then will normally be ravenous about 10:30 and eat random stuff just to fill myself up. Denise's impassioned case for breakfast has caused me to change my mind and I've started my days this week by eating whole wheat toast with peanut butter, and some type of fruit with my coffee. Yup, I can honestly say it definitely makes a difference! If you find yourself sluggish throughout the day, grab her book, I promise it will help!

**4**
This week was also my baptism into church involvement :) I was asked last Sunday to fill in this Sunday for one of the adult education classes that I've now attended oh, once. So I'm frantically researching Ephesians 3, my assigned chapter (the class is working their way through Ephesians), and praying that I can put together a 45 minute lecture by Sunday morning. I gotta be honest, straight lecture is not at all how I enjoy teaching, but I have been told this is the style of adult education around here. I've been asked to do a 10 week class this Spring and can do pretty much anything I want...there's no way I can lecture for 45 minutes straight on anything for 10 weeks...and I am not sure anyone should want to listen to me do that! So we'll see what I end up coming with...

**5**
Tonight is the middle school lock in, which means its the first night we'll be spending at the church (out of what I am sure will be MANY over the years!) Wish us luck...

**6**
My friend Kimberlee recently invited people to join her in attempting to write down 100 things they are thankful for this week. I've been joining her in this, and making a list in my journal, and it's been a great experience, to think about things large and small that we have to be grateful for.

**7**
You know how I mentioned awhile ago that an acquaintance from our church in California was competing on Oprah's new network for the chance to host her own TV show? Well Kristina is in the top 5! Episodes are posted on Oprah's website in case you don't have cable (like we don't). She's doing great, I honestly think she's the strongest candidate and I'm hoping she continues to do well!

Thank You, Dan

Today was a day I'm not sure I ever really expected to see, and as I reflect on it, I do so with very mixed feelings. The senior pastor at Bethany Presbyterian in Seattle, where I'm a member and "under care" (basically it's a way of saying Bethany is my home church throughout the ordination process), Dan Baumgartner, preached during Sunday morning worship there for the last time this morning. Dan has taken a call to be the pastor here in LA, at Hollywood Presbyterian. After eleven years of ministry at Bethany, he's saying goodbye, responding to a very clear call from God, that his gifts need to be used elsewhere for the time being. Knowing what I know of Hollywood's history, it makes perfect sense to me, Dan is the perfect pastor for that hurting congregation, and I can't wait to see what kind of ministry will continue happening there. But that doesn't make the goodbyes for Bethany any easier. I can't even begin to describe what Dan and Anne mean to this congregation, what an incredible pastor he is. As a seminary student, I've had the opportunity to get to know many pastors in many contexts, but I've never met anyone like Dan. He truly has shaped what I understand the role of the Pastor to be, in some ways contradicting my seminary professors a little, which I am grateful for.

We hear over and over again in seminary that we have to be "relevant" to bring Jesus to people who don't yet know him. In some ways maybe this is true, but from my perspective Dan brought Jesus to a lot of people who did not know him, and he did so in a way that I'm sure many "church growth experts" would say was not "strategic, hip, or relevant." I always thought that to be an effective pastor you have to be a flaming extrovert, charismatic in personality and dramatic in preaching. Well, watching Dan has taught me differently. He loves people, but he's a bit more introverted. Dan doesn't preach "topical" sermons with catchy titles while wearing jeans and bouncing around a "stage". Rather he reverently climbs into a pulpit in a coat and tie, sometimes even his clerical robe week after week. He doesn't use power point, video clips, or even have a screen anywhere in the sanctuary to project words of the scripture passages on to, instead he asks people to pick up the bible in the pew in front of them and actually open to the passage he's reading from. Instead of music videos and flashy illustrations, he thoughtfully crafts beautiful sermons full of illustrations from great literature and conversations with real people he's encountered. Every Wednesday night Bethany opens the doors of their fellowship hall to anyone in the community who needs a warm meal and place to sit for a couple hours. No bible study or other such requirements are imposed on them, all they need to do is show up. Dan is present almost always, and I bet he knows the name of most of the homeless men and women who arrive week after week. The stories he has shared of individuals coming to know Christ, individuals he's had the pleasure of baptizing as a result of meeting them off the streets at this Wednesday Night Dinner, even performing a few funerals for some who didn't survive life on the streets are incredible. He's taught me that to be the pastor of the church really means you are the pastor to that community, even to the people who only show up for free food. You sit with them, ask to hear their stories, share a meal, and over the course of years you are granted the privilege of walking with them as they come to know Jesus.

He said recently in a sermon that statistics have shown that people only have a few main ideas in life, and that almost all of what we say somehow connects to one of these main themes. He was reflecting on some of his main themes, that he's preached over and over again in various ways, messages which truly have sunk deeply into my heart and mind as I begin this journey into ministry. These are some of the "Dan-isms" that I will always hold on to--words of wisdom that I know have helped make me the person I am today:

• Pay attention...watch for God, you never know where you will see Him.
• There is a huge difference between going to church and being the church.
• Life following Christ will look different--once we've encountered Jesus things will change.
  
• Living in tension is usually healthy.
• God loves you immensely, and we see that most clearly reflected in Jesus.
• The Sabbath is God's gift to you, we are a culture that has forgotten that. Somehow we have to reclaim the Sabbath.
  
• We are trying to point people to Jesus, or at least not get in the way.
• Always read good books. (Dan is a voracious reader of almost anything, and started a quarterly book club at Bethany inviting people to join him in reading many of the classics, some theology, but many fiction books where images of truth, love, and faith appear).

Back in May I had the opportunity to spend a couple hours with him one on one, driving back from a meeting. I had the chance to pick his brain about ministry, and those two hours are one of the most cherished conversations I've ever had with someone. Here was his advice to me, as a new pastor:

• "Sarah, always preach scripture, preach Jesus, and you will never run out of sermon topics."
• "It is important to set some boundaries, to create time for your family, but remember too, the call to ministry is a call to give your life away. You need to find the balance, if your boundaries are too rigid, you'll miss some incredible opportunities."
• "When you feel that nudge, that inkling that 'I should call this person,' or 'so and so just had a baby, who is healthy and everything is fine, but I should drop by just to say hi and meet the newborn,' always always pay attention to that feeling. Some of the most powerful times of ministry have happened because I just stopped by the hospital to see the new baby."
  
• "Worry about being authentic, that's what makes you relevant, not how many video clips you can pack into a sermon."
• "Your first job needs to be beginning to train your elders. They are there as the spiritual leaders of the church, to seek God on behalf of the church. They aren't there as a business committee. Get rid of the tables they sit around and put them in a circle of chairs facing one another. Lead them in worship, lead them in deep prayer, set the example that you care more about following Jesus than you do about growing your church by a certain percentage."
  

Dan has taught me more than I could ever express over the years. I know Bethany will be fine as they transition a new pastor into the pulpit over the course of the next year or so. And I know I'll still cross paths with Dan at various Presbyterian events. But even so, I still grieve a little from afar, knowing how much he has loved that church and community. Thank you, Dan, for always walking closely with Jesus. And for encouraging the rest of us to do the same.

Dreaming Dreams

We all have them. From the time we are little most of us are asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Some of us didn't have parents that asked us this question or encouraged us to dream, but perhaps we had a teacher who stepped in and allowed us this freedom. My own parents made it clear that we could be absolutely anything we wanted to be when we grew up, that they would do what they could to support us in achieving whatever dreams we had--something I am incredibly grateful for. (Even if we choose careers that girls didn't typically pursue...like...um I don't know, a pastor? My dad says nothing converts a man to being a feminist quite like having a daughter that you want to see attain any thing her little heart desires to pursue!) Over the years I've had a lot of ideas and plans, things I thought I might want to pursue some day--from being an elementary school teacher, to a journalist, an English teacher, a brief stint of thinking I would be a social worker or a speech pathologist, to finally realizing I wanted to be in the ministry. It was the best fit, it actually perfectly allows me to combine all of these past career goals--as a pastor you have to teach, write, read, help with good communication, and often step in as a social worker. It's crazy how all these things that I am passionate about come together--I think God knew what He was doing when I began this journey.

I've always had another dream too, though. I've always dreamed of being a mom like my own incredible mom, of having a family of two or three little ones around, of getting to stay home with them in their early years like my mom did--shaping their early childhood development and laying a solid foundation for them. I've never really known how all these dreams would fit together, and I suppose I still don't exactly. But I do know that my husband and I are entering into a season of life where some answers might begin appearing. We both dream of doing ministry, and we're having many conversations these days of what that might mean for the two of us. Is it realistic to both be involved in full time ministry as our first jobs? Probably not, but possibly. Where do kids fit in? Do we both need pay checks from a church to "do" ministry? We're coming to the conclusion that no, we don't. Ministry for us isn't about receiving a paycheck, it's about a passion, and we realize that may mean one of us receives a paycheck from a church to "do" ministry and the other may act more as a professional volunteer. That's a humbling reality when we both have worked so hard for degrees that we'll be paying off for awhile!

We still don't know how everything is going to work out--but we have come to a few conclusions that we both firmly believe when it comes to seeing our dreams come true. First, we believe strongly that God cares more about who we are as a couple (and someday as a family) than what we do for a living. Our character, our obedience, submission to Him and one another, the way we shape and disciple our kids is so much more important to Him than who pays us to work. If we end up working at Starbucks but have a family that loves and serves deeply those around us, well, as I read scripture, I am convinced that's more important. And the second thing we are walking into this season of interviews and discernment fully grounded upon is the reality that no matter where we end up, no matter whose name is on a paycheck, both of us will do ministry wherever we go. It's who we are. God has called us, trained us, equipped us, and given us a passion for His people and His church and no matter where we end up, we'll be serving. Even after beginning a family we are committed to both of us serving our local church in some capacity. I don't say that to sound self-righteous in any way, I say that because we've been receiving so many questions of "what's next?" "how are you both going to use your degrees?" "will a church hire two of you?" "what about kids?" and it's been a struggle to answer people at times.

We still don't know where we will be. We don't know when we will move, or what positions we'll be moving into. And that's a little stressful, we like answers. But this past year and a half of uncertainty, of planning and dreaming and brainstorming and having the occasional tear-filled conversation with one another has been rich and fruitful. We feel confident that God does have something for us, that God does have a place in store for us to both use our gifts and our talents, and that God does desire for us to begin a family in the relatively near future--and in the mean time, we're going to keep dreaming, because my experience is that God loves it when his children think big about how they want to live in His world.

2 new favorites

I recently came across two blogs I absolutely adore, and wish I had become aware of them years ago! Allow me to introduce you :) (I'm aware, not all of you will appreciate this as much as I do, but that's okay, I know some of you will!)

First, check out Beauty Tips for Ministers. The tag line of the blog is "Because you're in the public eye, and God knows you need to look good." Before someone starts down the mental path of "wow, how superficial," let me explain. Here's what the author (known as "PeaceBang") writes about her blog:

"This blog is for the encouragement of self-care, the sharing of tips, and the celebration of shoes, lip gloss, fragranced shaving cream, and all of the other accoutrements of vanity which have hitherto been considered wholly unholy, and therefore generally discussed only in hushed whispers among the servants of the LORD.

In this space, we are free to remember that although we work from our hearts and our souls, we are also incarnate beings, and that our appearance does matter.

It is also written with the intention of bringing a little bit of joy and laughter into your life."

What I love is that it's tapping into something so untalked about. There aren't that many female clergy in the country, at least not compared to the percentage of male clergy. And lets be honest, girls, there are just some things a female pastor has to think and worry about that will never cross our male counterparts' mind. For instance, the latest post is a letter from a reader who is having to deal with male parishoners making inappropriate comments about her appearance. How do you respond to that, lovingly yet firmly? What looks are both cute and completely appropriate for preaching and home communion with the elderly? PeaceBang can help you out :) One of the things she says that I appreciate is why this matters. In some sense it's a bit of a theological issue. We can pretend our appearance doesn't matter, and dress as if we truly believe that. Or we can consider that: "our bodies are on display as an incarnation of our message and ministry, and for that reason, I am not offended by the fact that ministers’ bodies are a subject of conversation in the parish. We are embodied people, for heaven’s sake, and have only gotten ourselves into terrible trouble pretending to transcend our physicality." I like that, "we are embodied people." My theology says that's true. Therefore, way to go PeaceBang for helping some of us out when it comes to the fine line of the appearance of female clergy!

My second favorite new blog is called Dirty Sexy Ministry (if you're offended by the title, well I didn't come up with it, but I do happen to love it...) It's written by two young women who are both Episcopal Priests. Their tag line is: "two priests, with a feminine outlook on the world. After all, celebrating the Eucharist with a slipping bra strap adds perspective." I truly love it. They are great writers, for one. But even more, what I love is how much humanity they bring to reflecting on ministry. I know that when I was younger, and had never really known any pastors personally, I always had this sense that they were on some kind of pedestal. That the very basic human things, like working out, taking care of one's body, loosing sleep over problems, fighting with family members etc weren't an issue for them. They were the pastor. They were perfect. Or close to it. As someone preparing to be a pastor, this perception of ministers is one of the things that scares me most. Will people have the same expectations of me? What happens if my congregation finds out I enjoy a glass of red wine each night or, gasp, might even swear now and then if I'm really angry?? They write about what their minds often wander to while in worship, how hard it is for them to settle down and pray, how much more appealing mindless trashy TV is than preparing sermons sometimes etc. Stuff I already struggle with. I love that they point out that ministry is amazing, but it's more human than holy. I love that. Truly love it.

Running Forward

I've been saying for about two years now that I am going to move forward in the ordination process to the next step, which is called 'candidacy.' And until now, I hadn't. It's a long process (a good one, just a long one!) full of much paperwork, writing, essays, interviews, tests, psychological evaluations, and more writing, and I won't go into detail here about how it all works. (If you actually want to know, ask, but well, it's detailed enough that I find people's eyes begin to glaze over halfway through my explanation!) The week is finally here. I fly to Seattle this weekend to meet with the elders at my church on Sunday, a committee made up of elders and pastors around Seattle on Tuesday, and then two weeks later I go back to stand before all of Presbytery (all the ordained pastors in the entire Seattle area) to be questioned. One of the questions I had to answer in the essay I wrote this weekend is

What have you learned about the office of Minister of Word and Sacrament and how well suited are you to this office?

I'll be honest, this was a tough one, and allowed me to really pray and reflect. I've been thinking about this question for weeks now, and I finally had an answer. As I have been interviewing at churches for various positions, and even turning down a church that really wanted to pursue me further (the job description didn't fit me well) I have been able to start to articulate what it is I feel called to do. I'm still scared, being a pastor is a very tough job, but I am done running away from this call. I'm done trying to find excuses and talk God out of calling me to ministry. I'm ready to move forward. Writing the following paragraph in my candidacy essay finally feels like confirmation that I am ready to run towards this call. And that feels incredible!

Saying I want to be a minister of Word and Sacrament still sounds a bit strange to me. I want to be a minister and I feel called to this role. Each of my supervisors in my internships, the two congregations I’ve been part of here in Pasadena, and each of my close friends and family members all constantly affirm this call over and over again. Yet this title of “minister” or “pastor” still seems a bit daunting to me. To have the title ‘Pastor’ or ‘Minister’ still feels like one I’m not worthy of. I look at myself and see an imperfect person redeemed only by the cross and resurrection, exactly the same as everyone else. I fear the expectations that seem to come when people hear one is a pastor. Yet, at the same time, I cannot shake the desire I deeply have to serve in this capacity. To be present in the midst of the most sacred moments of a person’s life is a calling and an honor I don’t take lightly. Proclaiming week after week the forgiveness of sins through Jesus, looking deep into a person’s eyes and reminding them they are partaking of Christ’s body, marking an infant with the sign of the cross, sealing them into the covenant family of God, praying at bedsides of those taking their final breaths, these are the tasks my heart leaps at the thought of participating in. It’s as if I am constantly hearing God whisper, “this is what I have made you to do,” and no matter how intimidating the job description of a minister looks to me at times I simply can’t imagine anything else I desire to do.