Three Years

I have come to enjoy and appreciate anniversaries so much more than birthdays lately. Birthdays arrive and we turn another year older and it takes no work. They just show up. Anniversaries arrive too, but as I've talked to so many friends who are married and as I look at my own marriage, I realize that anniversaries are kind of "earned" in some way. Marriage is an amazing journey, full of ups and downs, but in order to make it work, it takes commitment and some hard work at times. Couples have to push through tough times to come out on the other side stronger, and I think that's something worth celebrating. Every time our anniversary rolls around I am reminded of the journey we have been on this past year, and I love looking back and celebrating the moments we didn't give up and the moments that were full of joy and the moments that drove us to our knees and the moments that we clung to each other because that's all it felt like we had. This past year was definitely the most difficult of our short marriage, and as we stand here today I look back at where we were a year ago on our anniversary. We had gone away to the Washington coast for 2 nights to try and escape a life that had come to feel so difficult and painful. Turns out, you can't really escape those things. We spent the weekend trying our hardest to put on our happy faces and enjoy each other, but in reality we were both so angry at the circumstance we'd found ourselves in with my husband's job. We would try and make a rule that we couldn't talk about the church but that pretty much left us with nothing, we were so consumed and hurt and frustrated that we didn't know what else to talk about. Here we are a year later and in such a different place in our marriage and family and work. I look back and I celebrate where God has brought us, how God has strengthened us, all the things God has taught us, and the amazing gifts God has given us.

I hear couples say they aren't doing anything to celebrate their wedding anniversary this year because "it's just another day," and that makes me so sad. Even if it's not elaborate, even if it's nothing spectacular, even if it's several days before or after your actual anniversary, take time to celebrate your marriage--you've worked for it, and in a culture where more and more couples are calling it quits, I think marriages are worth celebrating! My husband likes to say that our anniversary is the birthday of our family, and that today our family is 3 year's old. I think that's worth finding a baby sitter and making plans even though we're busy and we have other things we could be doing with our time. So this weekend that's what we're doing. We're setting aside time to go to dinner, and we're going to see the Hunger Games because I have been waiting for months for this movie to be released, and we're going to celebrate all that this past year has brought. Happy anniversary honey, I love our little 3 year old family!

Dreaming Dreams

We all have them. From the time we are little most of us are asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Some of us didn't have parents that asked us this question or encouraged us to dream, but perhaps we had a teacher who stepped in and allowed us this freedom. My own parents made it clear that we could be absolutely anything we wanted to be when we grew up, that they would do what they could to support us in achieving whatever dreams we had--something I am incredibly grateful for. (Even if we choose careers that girls didn't typically pursue...like...um I don't know, a pastor? My dad says nothing converts a man to being a feminist quite like having a daughter that you want to see attain any thing her little heart desires to pursue!) Over the years I've had a lot of ideas and plans, things I thought I might want to pursue some day--from being an elementary school teacher, to a journalist, an English teacher, a brief stint of thinking I would be a social worker or a speech pathologist, to finally realizing I wanted to be in the ministry. It was the best fit, it actually perfectly allows me to combine all of these past career goals--as a pastor you have to teach, write, read, help with good communication, and often step in as a social worker. It's crazy how all these things that I am passionate about come together--I think God knew what He was doing when I began this journey.

I've always had another dream too, though. I've always dreamed of being a mom like my own incredible mom, of having a family of two or three little ones around, of getting to stay home with them in their early years like my mom did--shaping their early childhood development and laying a solid foundation for them. I've never really known how all these dreams would fit together, and I suppose I still don't exactly. But I do know that my husband and I are entering into a season of life where some answers might begin appearing. We both dream of doing ministry, and we're having many conversations these days of what that might mean for the two of us. Is it realistic to both be involved in full time ministry as our first jobs? Probably not, but possibly. Where do kids fit in? Do we both need pay checks from a church to "do" ministry? We're coming to the conclusion that no, we don't. Ministry for us isn't about receiving a paycheck, it's about a passion, and we realize that may mean one of us receives a paycheck from a church to "do" ministry and the other may act more as a professional volunteer. That's a humbling reality when we both have worked so hard for degrees that we'll be paying off for awhile!

We still don't know how everything is going to work out--but we have come to a few conclusions that we both firmly believe when it comes to seeing our dreams come true. First, we believe strongly that God cares more about who we are as a couple (and someday as a family) than what we do for a living. Our character, our obedience, submission to Him and one another, the way we shape and disciple our kids is so much more important to Him than who pays us to work. If we end up working at Starbucks but have a family that loves and serves deeply those around us, well, as I read scripture, I am convinced that's more important. And the second thing we are walking into this season of interviews and discernment fully grounded upon is the reality that no matter where we end up, no matter whose name is on a paycheck, both of us will do ministry wherever we go. It's who we are. God has called us, trained us, equipped us, and given us a passion for His people and His church and no matter where we end up, we'll be serving. Even after beginning a family we are committed to both of us serving our local church in some capacity. I don't say that to sound self-righteous in any way, I say that because we've been receiving so many questions of "what's next?" "how are you both going to use your degrees?" "will a church hire two of you?" "what about kids?" and it's been a struggle to answer people at times.

We still don't know where we will be. We don't know when we will move, or what positions we'll be moving into. And that's a little stressful, we like answers. But this past year and a half of uncertainty, of planning and dreaming and brainstorming and having the occasional tear-filled conversation with one another has been rich and fruitful. We feel confident that God does have something for us, that God does have a place in store for us to both use our gifts and our talents, and that God does desire for us to begin a family in the relatively near future--and in the mean time, we're going to keep dreaming, because my experience is that God loves it when his children think big about how they want to live in His world.

Just Be

Has anyone else received the quarterly catalog that Christian Book Distributors sends out? Maybe we get it because we occasionally order some of Charles' text books from them, but nonetheless, it arrived yesterday. I rarely flip through it, it generally ends up in my recycle bin almost immediately, but last night, I had some free time and thought I'd see what was new in the world of Christian literature. I saw page after page of books and resources designed to help us draw nearer to God and one another--bible studies, pop psychology books, Christian fiction (which I occasionally enjoy, but honestly all looks the same to me), commentaries, and hundreds of bibles. Then, I stumbled upon something I have probably flipped right past dozens of times before. Near the back of the catalog were several pages of books about marriage, family and relationships. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy books along these lines, and I think we all do stand to learn a few things about how we are in relationship with others and how we can improve in this area. But an interesting thought struck me as I perused the titles. I found myself thinking "I need this book, and then I should read this one, and I really think if I read this one I could be a better wife..." I found myself convinced that if I didn't read all these books, and constantly be in a state of studying relationships and marriage I was going to be a massive failure as a wife. It was fascinating the pull the advertisements had upon me, and all of a sudden I somehow snapped out of my train of thought and realized how untrue that statement was.

I certainly do believe we need to be students of ourselves and how we relate to others. Too many marriages fail too early because people don't want to put the time and energy into learning about their patterns of behavior that could be unhealthy. However, I also think we can land on the other extreme (where I tend to find myself)--the place of never relaxing enough to enjoy our relationships and just be in them. I found myself thinking "My husband tells me all the time he loves me, I am sure there are things he wishes I would do differently, but he isn't the one putting all this pressure on me to be the perfect wife--that's coming from me." I can be free to take a deep breath, say "It's okay, I am good enough, I need to learn and grow over time, but I don't have to be perfect. No book is going to make me perfect. I can just be." And friends, there's a lot of freedom in that.

Give Her Your Arms

Awhile ago my husband and I were listening to a marriage podcast while driving somewhere, and the particular episode was on the secrets of happily married couples. They were sharing thoughts and ideas on what men need from women and vice versa--things we need but might not be instinctive for our partner to give us because we think so differently. One thing that was said that really struck me was a piece of advice shared by the male on the show. He said "Gentlemen, if I can give you one piece of advice as you begin your marriage, it is never underestimate the power of your arms wrapped around your wife. Hug her often. Hug her multiple times a day. Offer her your arms, she will feel safe, protected, and like whatever is happening in her day is really not that big of a deal." Okay, granted, a hug cannot cure everything. But, as I am learning, a hug from a spouse really can make a HUGE difference in my day. A hug can reverse a bad mood, stop a stressed and frenzied dash out the door in its tracks, or halt a negative train of thought before it gets too far. The piece of advice given by the psychologist on the podcast was taken very seriously by my husband, and now, several times a day, he'll walk up to me and put his arms around me. Yesterday I was folding laundry, and I was hitting an afternoon energy crash. I was tired, getting cranky and stressed and my wonderful husband replied with "can I make you some coffee or tea? Or can I just put my arms around you and tell you I love you?" I asked for his arms. It was a fabulous gift. So whether it's in those early morning, pre-alarm moments of floating in hazy wakefulness, before you leave the house, when you return, or even as she's cooking dinner, offer your wife your arms. It's one of the best gifts you can ever give her.

A Marriage Moment

Last night was week 2 of our marriage small group/class (in case you missed last week's post you can read about it here), and this week we ventured into the world of conflict. Yes, that dreaded "C" word that we all have to deal with. Some of you may say "I don't have conflict in my marriage," or "I know people who don't have conflict in their marriage," but as our therapist pointed out last night, that's only because one of the partners chooses to go along with what the other says without making their opinions known. When two different people from different backgrounds come together, it is not possible for them to agree on absolutely everything. Therefore, conflict is inevitable.

Instead of talking about how to get out of conflict though (that may be coming in future weeks) we talked last night about how we each tend to react in the midst of conflict and why--where those reactions and feelings come from in ourselves. Basically, anytime there is a conflict, each of us feels some sense of pain (we may not realize it's pain, but it is, there is a hurt there that well...hurts). Based on our own past stories and experiences, we each have a few dominant feelings (Fear Buttons) that immediately trigger a reaction from us (Coping Behaviors) because of pain experienced previously in life. Here's what I mean: (this is just an example, I'm not thinking of any particular family/couple as I write this) say your family experienced a great amount of loss while you were young--from death, divorce, abandonment or other ways. In an adult who experienced this amount of loss as a child, the buttons she has that cause an immediate reaction from her are probably pushed when she is made to feel alone or unsafe. Which means, that anytime her husband says or does anything that pushes that button (it could be incredibly minor, such as telling her he doesn't like the church she wants to plug into--if she's new in town and starting to make friends here, that's immediately going to trigger her feeling "alone" button) she reacts in order to cope with her feeling.

Just like we all have our "Fear Buttons," we also each have a few favorite Coping Behaviors that immediately come out of us. These are things we may have learned watching our parents cope (or not cope) with conflict and feelings, or they may just be innate traits in us that come out when we're afraid, hurt, or having our fear buttons pushed. For instance, common coping behaviors are: withdraw, control, attack, criticize, blame, shut down, use humor, pacify, escalate etc. So in this situation, the wife is feeling alone, and immediately attacks the husband for an innocent opinion based comment "I don't really like this church." Meanwhile, husband also has his own fear buttons from his own past--which means that when she attacks him out of her own coping strategy, she often will hit one of his buttons, which could be feeling worthless, feeling unloved etc. Of course, husband then has to cope with feeling worthless somehow, so he reacts with one of his favorite coping strategies--maybe he withdraws or explodes in anger. And, if husband explodes in anger, wife now feels unsafe and alone again which just perpetuates the cycle to the point that nothing gets resolved. And here we have...conflict!

I think her ultimate point was that in arguments we focus so much on the coping behaviors. "Why are you withdrawing, come back and talk to me!" "You can't control me!" "You always criticize everything I do!" "Don't shut down on me!" etc. Very rarely do we recognize what feelings in us are causing that behavior to be triggered. We can't control how our spouse responds, but we can become more aware of where our buttons are, why we have those particular buttons, and where they come from. There is hope! We were taught last night that those feelings and knee jerk reactions can be undone. Brain research has shown that with great intentionality, those emotional pathways that were developed early on can be erased and redrawn, but it won't happen on it's own. In the above example, if the wife had recognized that her husband's negative comment about the new church she was hoping to plug into had made her feel alone and isolated in a new town, she could have called a time out and said "I am feeling something really strongly. I don't know where it's coming from, but I really want to lash out and attack you for not liking this church and I know that's not rational." Together they could have explored why she was feeling what she was experiencing instead of getting caught in this cycle of attacking and getting angry with one another. It's about increasing our own self awareness so we can understand why we have our pain buttons, where they come from, and then ask ourselves "In reality, and in scripture, are these feelings true? Am I unlovable? Am I worthless? Am I alone?" We can't begin to undo these feelings unless we recognize them and explore their validity in light of what God says about us--we can't take off the old and put on our new selves if we don't realize where our old selves come from.

A Marriage Moment

Last night my husband and I began our 8 week Strong Marriages, Successful Ministries small group at Fuller, and oh my goodness, it's going to be amazing! It's led by a professional marriage and family therapist, and is a group of 4 couples who will be walking through topics such as conflict, boundaries, decision making, how to balance family & church etc. It comes out of her lifelong work as a Christian therapist in a town where many of her clients were clergy or church staff whose families were falling apart. When her husband got a job at Fuller, she wrote a proposal for being able to run these groups on campus and of course it was approved. The information is relevant to any couple, no matter where they are in life, and since I have SO many friends getting married within the next year or so, and so many newly married friends, I thought I'd share a bit each week about what we learned. Last night was mostly introducing ourselves, talking a little about what we learned from our parent's relationship about marriage coming into our own marriages and why we wanted to be part of the group, but Sharon did about 10 minutes of teaching that my husband and I loved and have been talking about since. So for all you couples out there, here's your "Marriage Moment" (or two!) for this week :)

Our "Us"
When two people get married, there are still two individuals with ways of thinking, decision making, likes, dislikes etc. But now, there is also a third entity in the midst of them: the "us" that's been created. It doesn't get rid of the individuals, but it's like a new child. That "us" needs to be cared for, learned about, fed, nourished, and protected or it won't survive. And we do this by learning to think like "us" rather than as individuals who have our own ways of doing things. Here's kind of how this works, I'll give you the example she gave us because it applied to our marriage as well :) On Sundays after church, Sharon almost always wants to come home, not go out to lunch with friends. She wants to rest, be with her family, get away from people since she's been with them all week etc. Her husband on the other hand almost always wants to go out to eat. If they were to make the decision on their own, those are the decisions they would each make individually. When we get married though, we need to start making decisions for "us," and we need to start asking the question, "what is best for our 'us' today?" Because honestly, sometimes it is important and good for us to say no, come home, and enjoy a quiet day around the house. And sometimes it is important to say yes and fellowship with people we worship with. Both are good. So when we start to ask what does "us" need this week, we're helping make one another more whole people who are thinking beyond our own immediate desires, helping the other do something good that is outside what they think they want. So answering this question for "us" might mean asking 'how much money do we have in the bank? how much do we need to get done around the house? do we find the people who invited us enjoyable? how much have we eaten out this month?' This takes the question away from "what do you want and what do I want" (which can often end in a stalemate) and moves it towards "what is best for us as a couple this week?" We laughed because we have frequently had this discussion after church ourselves--and on weekend evenings when social plans come up :)

Compromise is a Bad Word
This was the other brief tidbit we loved last night, that we wish we'd known a year ago! We often think when two people are struggling with a decision (say, who to hang out with on Friday night) it's best to just compromise. "We hung out with my friends last Friday so this Friday we can hang out with your friends or do what you want." Sounds like an okay plan, it sounds fair, but what we were cautioned against is that often compromise is just a nice way of saying "competition." When we make our decisions based on compromise instead of based on what is best for our "us" we often end up (whether we are consciously aware of it or not) keeping score in our minds. I know we did this a lot at first trying to meld our two lives together, it felt like we were trying to just keep things fair rather than asking the question "what do we really need, what is best for our us?" It becomes a subtle competition where we're opponents and there's a score card to keep in mind. Rather, we are to think of our marriages as grounds for cooperation, where we begin to think like "us" and as we do we are transformed more into the image of Christ.

There you have it friends, this week's Marriage Moment :)