Running Forward

I've been saying for about two years now that I am going to move forward in the ordination process to the next step, which is called 'candidacy.' And until now, I hadn't. It's a long process (a good one, just a long one!) full of much paperwork, writing, essays, interviews, tests, psychological evaluations, and more writing, and I won't go into detail here about how it all works. (If you actually want to know, ask, but well, it's detailed enough that I find people's eyes begin to glaze over halfway through my explanation!) The week is finally here. I fly to Seattle this weekend to meet with the elders at my church on Sunday, a committee made up of elders and pastors around Seattle on Tuesday, and then two weeks later I go back to stand before all of Presbytery (all the ordained pastors in the entire Seattle area) to be questioned. One of the questions I had to answer in the essay I wrote this weekend is

What have you learned about the office of Minister of Word and Sacrament and how well suited are you to this office?

I'll be honest, this was a tough one, and allowed me to really pray and reflect. I've been thinking about this question for weeks now, and I finally had an answer. As I have been interviewing at churches for various positions, and even turning down a church that really wanted to pursue me further (the job description didn't fit me well) I have been able to start to articulate what it is I feel called to do. I'm still scared, being a pastor is a very tough job, but I am done running away from this call. I'm done trying to find excuses and talk God out of calling me to ministry. I'm ready to move forward. Writing the following paragraph in my candidacy essay finally feels like confirmation that I am ready to run towards this call. And that feels incredible!

Saying I want to be a minister of Word and Sacrament still sounds a bit strange to me. I want to be a minister and I feel called to this role. Each of my supervisors in my internships, the two congregations I’ve been part of here in Pasadena, and each of my close friends and family members all constantly affirm this call over and over again. Yet this title of “minister” or “pastor” still seems a bit daunting to me. To have the title ‘Pastor’ or ‘Minister’ still feels like one I’m not worthy of. I look at myself and see an imperfect person redeemed only by the cross and resurrection, exactly the same as everyone else. I fear the expectations that seem to come when people hear one is a pastor. Yet, at the same time, I cannot shake the desire I deeply have to serve in this capacity. To be present in the midst of the most sacred moments of a person’s life is a calling and an honor I don’t take lightly. Proclaiming week after week the forgiveness of sins through Jesus, looking deep into a person’s eyes and reminding them they are partaking of Christ’s body, marking an infant with the sign of the cross, sealing them into the covenant family of God, praying at bedsides of those taking their final breaths, these are the tasks my heart leaps at the thought of participating in. It’s as if I am constantly hearing God whisper, “this is what I have made you to do,” and no matter how intimidating the job description of a minister looks to me at times I simply can’t imagine anything else I desire to do.