How do you do that?

"How do you do it?" The question was posed to me this week by the gentleman scanning my produce at the local grocery store.  He looked at Aidan and looked back at me and said "How do you do it?"  I was a bit perplexed and asked what he was referring to and he said "being a mom.  Moms amaze me.  I have no idea how on earth my wife does what she does--I have no idea how you do what you do to be a mom, but I am so grateful for women like you who are doing their best to be great moms."  Not your typical grocery store small talk, but this middle aged gentleman with dark skin, salt and pepper hair, and a beautiful Latino accent spoke these words of blessing over me as I fumbled with my purse and tried to keep the credit card machine out of my squirmy baby's hands.  He put words to the question which has been rolling around in my head a lot lately.  How do I do this? Do I have what it takes to raise this little person?

I never really thought that hard about becoming a mom.  You get married, you have a baby or two or three and eventually you wind up driving a carpool to some field trip somewhere.  Right?  When Aidan was born I was thrust into the world of motherhood head first, but was so focused on trying to merely survive the many many many months of sleepless nights and long fussy days that there was not much time, energy or brain power left for reflecting on this new role I found myself in.  It was all about survival.  Back in June I had the privilege of seeing one of my closest friends for an afternoon.  She has three kids of her own, with a fourth on the way, and is hands down one of the absolute best moms I have ever seen in my life.  I've said to my husband so many times how in awe I am of her--of her patience, her love, her ability to discipline and shape her kids with gentleness and words and her ability to maintain a level head in the midst of newborn and toddler chaos.  One of the things she said to me that has stayed with me these past three months is that she loves all her kids so passionately, but recognizes that "there is just something about that oldest kid--because they are the one who makes you a mom, they are the one who has pushed you to your limit of exhaustion, love, and patience, for the first time and who has shown you that you can do it, that you DO have what it takes to be a mom."

"How do you do it?"  I don't know.  There are days when, if I am truly honest, I might be tempted to say this is really really hard and I kind of want my old life back.  I'd never trade this little guy for anything, but there are times when I really would just rather get to go do something fun with friends without worrying about how long I've been gone and if he's hungry and needs to eat or needs help getting to sleep.  I'd love to sleep through the night, heck I'd love to sleep a 3-4 hour stretch without interruption!  Being a stay at home mom is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.  Hands down.  Give me my Hebrew class to study for any day, that was a piece of cake.  It can be extremely isolating at times, and I often have to be intentional about getting out and seeing people or making play dates for us (which is getting easier as Aidan gets older).  It can be so easy to slip into a pity party at times--poor me, my baby doesn't sleep well, poor me I never get to see friends, poor me I'm lonely and bored a lot of the time.  But then, I look at my son--I mean I really look at him and every single time I do God smacks me on the head with the realization that I have absolutely NOTHING to complain about.  I have a beautiful, healthy, incredibly curious, strong, adventurous and giggly baby boy.  I did nothing to deserve him.  He's amazing.  When so many hearts ache with infertility issues, news of birth defects, and time in NICUs, I have an incredible gift right in front of me, one I never want to take for granted, and I am so grateful to people in my life who remind me what a privilege it is to be doing what I'm doing.  I have the rest of my life to use that degree I worked for, to pursue full time employment.  I have such short years with this little one here in my home, I don't want to miss a minute of it.  And I want to experience it all with pure joy.  Sometimes that might be a sleep-deprived haze to that joy, but I want to be a mom full of joy.

Rejoice, give thanks in all things...