Being Present

This post was written awhile ago for a friend's blog-I'm just reposting it here so I have it in my archives :)

I wish I could say I was a quick learner.  I wish I experienced an "ah ha!" moment once and then always carried that little lesson around in my pocket, never having to relearn it.  Alas, I am not.  I am more of a painstakingly slow learner, often having to allow God to remind me, nudge me, and even sometimes smack me with the same life lessons over and over again.

On January 14 of this year, I became a mom for the first time.  My beautiful baby boy was born, and three days later I found myself at home with this little person who needed my attention all the time.  Rewind to about two weeks prior his birth and you would find me constantly on the move.  I'm a do-er.  Every week I made my to-do list of errands, household tasks, projects I wanted to complete and people I wanted to connect with, and more often than not by the end of the week my list was accomplished--every item neatly crossed out with a highlighter.  I've spent 23 of my 30 years as a full time student, I know how to multitask and I know how to get things done.  If I'm honest, I've found a lot of pride in how productive I've been in a given week.  Friends used to laugh because when we would have a 3 week break from classes I would not just travel to one place--I would usually pack my vacations full of multiple cities or states so I could visit as many friends and family as possible.  Yes, aside from the one month in grad school where I had mono, I have always enjoyed getting things done.

Fast forward back to this winter and the arrival of my little one, and all of a sudden life looked drastically different, more so than ever before.  All of a sudden my most important "task" of the day was sitting in a rocking chair for hours on end feeding my baby.  All of a sudden I found myself laying on a couch doing "nothing" but holding my child who couldn't nap anywhere but in someone's arms.  The dishes sat there, untouched.  The laundry was done when my parents came to visit to help out.  Vacuuming or cleaning the bathrooms?  Ha!  Running lots of errands and connecting with many people?  No longer an option with my son who hated his car seat and left me feeling foggy brained and incapable of connecting with others in a meaningful way.  Those to-do lists I had prided myself on were now non-existent.  And if I'm honest, so many days would come to an end and I would feel so unproductive, so lazy, and so frustrated.  Who was I now if I wasn't Ms. Productivity?  I knew in my head what I was doing for my baby was infinitely more important than doing the dishes, but for a slightly-OCD person like myself, sometimes all I wanted to do was clean my kitchen!

It's been four months now, since the arrival of our little one, and I think I am finally beginning to learn my lesson.  The other day I laid down with Aidan in my bed to see if I could settle him down for his afternoon nap.  He snuggled up next to me, nursed for a few minutes, and drifted off into a peaceful sleep.  "Alright!" I thought.  "I can finally go get something done!"  As I lay there thinking about what I was going to go sneak off to accomplish, it hit me.  The only thing that was important to me that day was being with my son.  My kitchen was relatively clean--not perfect, but good enough.  My husband and I have plenty of clothes, I didn't need to do laundry just because the basket was full.  All of a sudden grilled cheese sandwiches sounded just fine for dinner, no need to go prep anything fancier.  As I watched him rest, his little lips still making that sweet sucking motion in his sleep, I realized there was no where else on earth I wanted to be.  I was being completely "unproductive" by my former standards, but when I think about what really mattered in that moment, I was doing the most important thing I could have chosen to do--I stayed snuggled up next to his little body and held him as he slept in the safety and comfort of Mommy's arms.

God commands us to "be still, and know that I am God," and I think part of what God had in mind here is that He wants us to surrender our to do lists to Him.  He has spent the past 4 months teaching me over and over again a new way to define "productivity." He calls us to just be, to let go of all the things we frantically try to accomplish to somehow prove our worth here on earth.  He whispers a reminder "Sarah, you're so much more than your list of accomplishments, that is not what gives you your value or worth.  Be still, let me be God, you worry about being fully present for the people I've placed in your life."

Loneliness and Facebook-Land

We've all been there.  We've all felt that deep aching pit in our stomach when we realize it's Friday night and everyone has plans but us.  We have all been left alone in our college dorm room realizing everyone else already went to dinner with someone else and now we need to go alone.  We have all experienced the feeling that everyone else is getting married or has a date or is involved with a great group of friends and we're the odd one out or we're the one at the wedding without a date.  I find it interesting that sometimes we can find ourselves feeling the most lonely when we're surrounded by people.  We can be at a party and all of a sudden realize we don't seem to fit--everyone else looks like they belong but for some reason you don't, and the loneliness creeps in--maybe slowly at first, but then settles like a heavy black cloak over our shoulders for the rest of the evening.

This has been a lonely season for me.  A few things collided in life at once--I moved back into an area where I have several friends, but those friends created new friends and found new community while I was gone so the place my husband and I filled in their lives has been filled by others.  Which is okay, and probably how life should be, seasons of friendships ebb and flow, but in many ways I feel like I'm kind of starting from scratch in the friendship department.  I have met some incredible young women who have been a HUGE blessing and lifesaver as I've ventured into the world of parenthood, but as anyone who has moved to a new place will attest, it takes time to feel known.  I'll be honest, people told me before I had a baby that staying home all day with a newborn is tough--especially for extroverted people, but I never really thought that much about it.  Until I started living it.  It's tough being home alone for sometimes 12+ hours with no one to talk to but a little person who just fusses back at you.  Or I go out and try to be social but the baby gets fussy or is distracting and I never get to feel fully present with the friends I am with--my attention is divided if Aidan is around.  I suppose that's how it should be, but for someone who used to have regularly coffee dates with people where we could chat intimately for hours without being distracted, it's been a tough adjustment.  I hate that I have turned into a terrible listener and a half-present friend.  It adds to the loneliness, to be with people but not feel fully there, for me makes me feel more alone. (Maybe I'm alone in that??)

But, this isn't a pity party :)  I have been reflecting lately on a new element of our culture that I think often contributes to loneliness for a lot of people -- that being the invention of all these social networking sites like Facebook.  There's this phenomenon of "checking in" wherever you are and then "tagging" the friends you are with.  At first glance, this isn't a terrible concept, it's kind of fun seeing who is out where.  However, more than once, I've seen friend's posts about being at parties or events or movies or restaurants with other friends of mine, and I've found myself thinking "why wasn't I invited to join them?"  "Do they assume I can't or won't find a baby sitter to get out sometimes?  Or do they genuinely not want me around?"  Or I'll see a post made by a friend about the fun they had with other specific people and while I am glad for them, I find myself feeling left out.  I'm not sure the creators of this new element of Facebook intended for this to contribute to people's sense of loneliness or isolation, but inadvertently I think it has.

Friends of ours told us that they were contemplating leaving their church because people in leadership regularly had dinner parties and gatherings and hung out together--and always posted photos from their events, and always "checked in" and "tagged" who they were with--and it led this couple to constantly feel hurt and left out...they are leaders in the church too, why were they never invited?  Did they not make the "A" list?   It was bad enough that they literally thought about worshiping elsewhere.  Hearing their story and knowing how I've felt this past season has made me wonder how we can have fun and use these fun features and networking sites, but still be sensitive to other's feelings.  I am sure I have caused others to feel left out from something I have posted, and I think this might be something we all might need to be more discerning about.  Yes it was a fun event or double date or movie or outing with friends, but I wonder how much of that actually needs to be made public?  I'm not sure I know the solution, Facebook is a great tool, I just know how I've felt lately when reading friend's posts about where they went, who they went with, and how much fun they had while I was never invited.  It stings.  Maybe this is the adolescent part of me creeping back out, but that voice is still there--still saying "people are too busy to be your friend, but look at all the fun they are having without you."

I've heard several teens comment on this--how it makes them feel when their friends are tagged at events they never knew about.  Facebook is here to stay, and I'm not sure what the solution is--but I'm curious what others think.  Have you ever felt left out looking at photos or seeing status updates about events you weren't invited to?  Do you think it's not a big deal and we don't need to worry what others think?  Other stay at home parents out there have told me (and I can FULLY attest!) that sometimes Facebook makes us actually feel more connected to the world--we can't leave our houses because of nap time but we can at least communicate with others throughout the day.  But do some of you also feel resentment because you're home with a sleeping baby (or a fussy baby who refuses to sleep!?) while others are out having fun without you?  I'm just curious how folks feel, it's definitely not a problem that is solvable by a blog post!  And with that, I'm going to go celebrate the fact that my son IS sleeping and eat ice cream with my friends from The West Wing keep me company on this evening home alone :)

7 Quick Takes!

It's been a long time since I've sat down on a Friday morning to do a 7 Quick Takes post from our past week, but I have a few minutes this morning and thought I'd try :)  Here's the latest in the Kennedy family!

**1**

We ventured out last Sunday on our first major outing--we took Aidan up to Forest Home for a day of all church camp.  It was a weekend long camp, which my husband attended, but the little one and I only went for the day on Sunday.  He did really well!  Slept all the way there and back which is a gift because I was imagining 2 hours of a screaming child who hates his car seat.  Next year we are super excited to go for the whole weekend!  

**2**

I have a new favorite baby product that should be added to my previous post.  I didn't really have a good front carrier to carry the little one in--he HAS to be facing forward when being carried, he refuses to face backwards, and he's over 15 pounds now which gets heavy after awhile!  So a hands free carrier was in order.  But they aren't cheap and there are so many different brands I didn't know where to start.  I found a boutique here that sells a bunch and let me try them on and try Aidan in them, and my parents volunteered to buy one for me when I found the one I wanted.  SO, I am SUPER grateful for my new Beco Baby Carrier which is SO comfy and ridiculously easy to use.  You can wear baby on your front, on your back, and even on your hip--and they can face forward or face into you depending on their age and preference.  Love this new addition to our house!  Thanks mom and dad!!

**3**

I also have a new favorite book about babies and sleep.  Thanks to the amazing Christie Kiley I ordered the No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley and have LOVED it.  It's FULL of ideas on how to get baby to sleep better and create a personalized sleeping plan for your family without letting them cry and scream themselves to sleep.  Yes, it's more time intensive and parent intensive, it's a lot of work training them to sleep in a really gentle way, but as I've gotten to know our little dude, he's not going to respond well to the cry it out method.  Especially with his reflux issues and how that's caused him pain while he sleeps over the past few months I just can't bring myself to let his crib be a place of tears and discomfort.  So I was searching for something new and Christie gave me this suggestion that they used with their son.  I'm letting Aidan's new reflux meds that he started this week have a full week to see if they are working before really addressing any sleep training (if he's not comfortable physically it doesn't matter what I do to train him, he won't be sleeping!)  but over this next week I'm going to be working on creating our family's sleep training plan for him--and I love that her suggestions are so individualized for each family.  So, if you need a good super easy to read and very practical book about sleep this is a great one!!

**4**

I've gotten back into menu planning and cooking this month which has felt so good.  I made this super fun menu board for my kitchen (thank you pinterest for the idea!) and every week I fill in with a dry erase marker what we're having to eat that week and where the recipe is located so I can easily find it.  It's been awesome to look up and see what I'm doing on a given day and we've been enjoying several yummy dishes because of the extra planning!  Today I have beef stroganoff in the crock pot and a delicious black bean salad with lime dressing in the fridge for lunch :)

**5**

My amazing mom came back out to visit again last week even though she was just here two weeks ago, and for that I am SUPER grateful.  May has been a tough month, feeling like Aidan's reflux was never going to improve, his sleep was bad, and i felt like I was constantly being fussed at.  My husband is super helpful but works long hours so I felt a little isolated and alone and I think my mom could tell (maybe me calling her crying a lot cued her in??!) So she volunteered to come back for another 4 days and I was so grateful for the help.  Everyone will be back in 2 weeks from today for Aidan's baptism weekend!  Yay for family visiting!

**6**

Our book club is up and running!! Hooray!  We had a ton of interest and even a bunch of men wanted to join us so we decided to make it co-ed.  Our first selection for June is the Poisonwood Bible which I read 2 years ago and loved.  I was surprised only 1 other person in the group had read it, so everyone was more than happy to select it for our first book.  So I just started re-reading it and am reminded again how much I love the way Barbara Kingsolver paints pictures with words.  Starting the club means I needed to revamp my list of 31 books i wanted to read before I turn 31 in September, but that's okay.  And realistically I am not going to finish my list this year.  I have a LOT of books left to read before September 23 and I'm just not sure how possible this is going to be!

**7**

Tonight is date night, and our plans?  (this was my husband's idea) We're walking to get ice cream after dinner here at home and then both spending the evening reading The Poisonwood Bible (yup he's joining our book club too!)  I am kind of excited :)  Have a great weekend everyone!

Aidan's (and Mommy's!) Favorite Baby Items

I have lots of friends having babies these days, and several of them have asked "okay, so what have you loved that might not have been on my registry list or that I might not have thought to get?"  Of course you need the standard clothes, swaddling blankets, car seat, etc but we have found a few other gadgets and items (mostly through trial and error as we have gotten to know our little guy and what he likes and doesn't like!) that have been huge life savers for us.  Some may think some of these items seem "superfluous" or unnecessary, and perhaps for your family and baby that's true.  But here are some things I have been grateful for almost every day we've had them--maybe don't get these right away, but down the road you may want to try some of these for yourself.

The Baby Book by the Sears'  By far this is hands down my favorite baby book.  I love this book, and wish I had read more of it before Aidan was born.  It's big, but it covers EVERYTHING you might need to know for their first two years--including some on child birth, lots on feeding, sleeping, first aid (including tylenol doses--something they don't print on the baby tylenol bottles), and then chapters on development month by month.  They include a lot of fun ideas on how to play with babies of each age, tips for dads, and I feel like they approach things in a fairly realistic manner.  This is one of the first books I've read where I don't feel guilty for some choice I make as a mom.  They do have a strong attachment parenting bent, but as I'm learning more and venturing more into the world of parenting I have found that I line up more with the attachment style of parenting anyways, so this book has fit me well.  If I had to recommend one baby resource book, this would be it (because it covers everything in one place!)

The Sleepy Wrap  This was my favorite wrap when Aidan was a newborn, but I was so intimidated by using it I didn't try it until he was almost 2 months old.  Big mistake!  I wish I'd learned how to use this way earlier!  It's a really long piece of fabric that you wrap around you in various configurations to create a pouch for baby to ride in.  It's SUPER soft and stretchy and comfortable, and Aidan liked this one better than my other carriers.  He's too big for it now, but when we have our next baby I'll be using this WAY more than I did with him because we truly loved it.

The Woombie  Okay this one we found out of desperation.  I truly think it was a 3 AM google find!  Our little one NEEDS to be swaddled to sleep.  He wiggles and wiggles and his little arms and legs move constantly, which wakes him up the minute you lay him down.  Only problem is that pretty soon he got too strong and too big for swaddle blankets.  He wiggled out of even the tightest swaddle right away and we spent literally all night getting up and down re-swaddling him so he could go back to sleep.  After several nights of getting up every hour to re-swaddle I started googling to see what other solutions were out there.  Enter The Woombie.  I watched the demo videos and then paid a ridiculous amount of money to get this overnighted to me because I wasn't going to spend one more night reswaddling this kid if I could help it.  It's a zip up swaddle pod that lets him actually move a bit but his little arms and legs can't flail about and wake him up.  There are a variety of styles, and we have the "summer" woombie which is lighter fabric (which lets him move more) and the woombie convertible which has snap on sleeve openings, so when we start transitioning him to sleeping with arms out we can do one at a time easily.  We love the woombie, I cannot sing it's praise enough because I haven't had to reswaddle him at 3 AM once in a month!

The Fisher Price Rock and Play Sleeper  This is another one we discovered out of desperation.   Our little guy was just diagnosed with reflux, which is a super common baby issue, and accounts in part for his terrible sleep.  Since we learned this was an issue, we tried everything--letting him sleep in the bouncer, in the swing, elevating his crib mattress, wedging him in different positions with rolled blankets, propping him against a hot water bottle to give him the illusion of being held by a warm body, letting him sleep in bed with me (which is still probably his favorite spot to be honest), and nothing worked.  This kid still woke up every 45 minutes all night long. Every night.  That's a lot of lost sleep for both him and us!  I remembered a friend had raved about this little portable sleeper when her baby was little, and I had no idea if it would help but I figured I'd ask if we could borrow it.  Once she heard he had reflux she insisted we come get it ASAP--apparently in the Amazon reviews of it a ton of parents of reflux kids raved about this sleeper.  That night we brought it home, set it up next to my side of the bed, and put our sleeping babe in it.  THREE HOURS later he woke up to eat and I was SHOCKED when I saw what time it was.  Since then we have consistently gotten 2-3 hour stretches of sleep out of him in this little bed (which for him is AWESOME), probably because of the steep angle it keeps him at (sleeping more upright is more comfortable for babies with reflux) and because it helps him feel like he's being held by the steep sides.  I love this product, and if you happen to end up with a reflux baby who won't sleep, I couldn't recommend this highly enough!

White Noise Machine  We learned before he was born that babies often like white noise (the sound of the hair dryer, vacuum, static, babbling water etc) because it mimics the sound of the womb.  When Aidan was 2 days old we downloaded a white noise app onto my husband's iphone and were shocked to see how instantly it worked to quiet him and calm him (it still does today).  We went to get a continuous white noise machine for his room (this is the style we got) and now he sleeps every night with the sound of either ocean waves or a babbling stream.  We have LOUD upstairs neighbors and a fairly loud apartment complex and this has been a lifesaver--he already sleeps so little I didn't want his sleep interrupted by our noisy neighbors!)  We travel with it and now that he's sleeping in our room for awhile we have it set up in there--and I'm learning I love sleeping with it, I sleep way better!  So we may be getting another one when we move him back to his room!

Video Baby Monitor  From day one we have had Aidan in his own bedroom.  For the first 3 weeks my mom was in there on an air mattress so we didn't use a monitor, she kept an ear out for him and brought him to me when he needed to eat.  But once she left we started using this and it has been SO helpful.  I can see him to know if what I'm hearing is really him or needs my response, or if it's just him making noises in his sleep.  I can watch him if he's in his crib playing, and it has saved many many trips running back and forth between my bed and his room in the middle of the night when I think I hear something.  Now that we're working so much on his sleep and he's actually sleeping next to my bed we use this during nap time when he's in his own room and eventually we'll transition him back to his room at night.  LOVE this, and am so glad we splurged on this one.

Rainforest Bouncer  This has been a lifesaver.  I have never been one of those moms who is okay just leaving my kid in a bouncer or swing for hours on end, even if he's happy.  I think babies need way more interaction and play time on their backs, tummies, sitting on my lap etc  BUT, every day during mom's shower and while I made dinner Aidan got to hang out in his bouncer because he was safe, happy, and contained.  He still does even now that he's rolling and wiggling more (sometimes I just need him contained in one spot!)  Now that he's eating oatmeal but isn't sitting up straight in a chair, this is his feeding spot too.  It didn't work to solve our sleep problems with his reflux but it's been awesome for so many other things!

I think that's about it--those are our favorites that don't always show up on registry lists or on other people's lists.  How bout you?  What were your favorite baby products??

Sunday Round Up

I don't spend an insane amount of time surfing the web--I read a handful of blogs, I check Facebook (probably more than I should), and I check Pinterest every couple days to see what new and amazing things have been posted.  I don't read news sites hardly at all (which would explain why I had no idea there was an eclipse tonight until I saw people posting about it on, you guessed it, facebook...) and there just isn't a lot else I look at unless I'm researching something specific.  But, each week I do stumble across various articles, posts, or ideas that catch my attention and I thought I'd share a couple of those links on here each week--things I think are worth a look.  I know several others who do this and I'm always intrigued by what they choose to link to, and generally enjoy reading what they share.  So, without further ado, here are the pieces of the world wide web I think are worth a look along with a short excerpt from each.


Where is the Mommy War for the Motherless Child?

"This is the only mommy war I’ll wage.  I’m confident that most mothers are doing the best that they can for their kids, even if their choices are different than mine.  I think it’s ridiculous that so much energy is spent on debating largely inconsequential parenting decisions when so very little attention is given to the children who DON’T HAVE PARENTS. Why isn’t this causing outrage?  Making magazine covers? Inciting ranty twitter posts? This is the war I’ll be involved in: We, as a society, are not doing enough to protect at-risk and motherless children, both in our country and globally.  (Because apparently we’re too busy worrying about that kid whose mom gave him formula)."

What Should a Four Year Old Know? (A BEAUTIFUL list--this is what I want for my son!)

"We are such a competitive culture that even our preschoolers have become trophies and bragging rights. Childhood shouldn’t be a race.  So here, I offer my list of what a 4 year old should know."

Fantasies and the Fog

"Motherhood sits you down on the floor of life, closes the door, and asks you to do your best work, moment by moment, with no one watching. This is torture for someone like me. I don’t plod well. I certainly don’t plod well with no one watching. I need a crowd, some adoring fans, a cheering section, loud applause, a fight song in my honor. A full color spread in a magazine, at the very least."

Four Months--Roll Baby Roll!

That's right, you little man, are no longer stationary!  You're a roller!  You absolutely shocked Mommy one day with this new trick.  We hadn't been practicing, I hadn't helped you learn the motor movements at all, you just rolled over one day and haven't stopped ever since!  You don't tend to go from your tummy to your back, just from your back to your tummy, so eventually you'll start yelling for someone to come rescue you from your tummy time, but you are getting so much better about happily hanging out on your tummy, watching your toys, looking in your mirror, or staring at the squares of fabric on the quilt Oma made you (that we have spread out on the floor as your play-mat).  You seem quite proud of your newfound skill, and now we have to watch you all the closer as you will try and roll off anything, including your changing table, if we're not constantly holding on to you.

You are getting SO big!  At your 4 month appointment on May 15, 2012, you weighed in at 15 pounds even and 25.5 inches long.  Everywhere we go people comment on how long you are--you are either growing early or you inherited some of your Papa's height!  (You have also inherited some of his reddish hi-lights in your hair, which Mommy thinks is adorable).

Your fourth month was a big one!  You have been getting so much better about using your hands to grab at toys, hold on to things, and most importantly, get them to your mouth!  You'll hold on to your toy or your blankie and look at it, feel it, and eventually it will find its way into your little open mouth as you taste it.  Mommy doesn't mind, it keeps you quiet and busy in the car or while in the grocery store or stroller!  You will also chew on my arm, my shoulder, my shirt, your burp cloth, or anything that comes near your face.

You started discovering your feet a little, you haven't gotten too good at grabbing them yet, but you have at least seen them and realize they always show up wherever you are, so they must be attached to you!

We have learned that you are a super observant little dude, wanting to be carried everywhere facing forward so you can see what's going on in the world, and you get fussy if we don't have you turned the right way.  You are getting better and better at just sitting on one of our laps watching the world around you, which makes taking you places a little easier!  You experienced the church nursery for the first time during Mommy's last MOPS meeting of the year--you only lasted about 30 minutes before they came to get me because you were hungry, but that's okay, I just wanted you to try it!  You have stayed with several different baby sitters this month and we're hoping you will always grow up knowing there is an entire community of people around you who love you and have helped care for you.  Bob and Sheila, Jim and Chris, Ryan and Alethia, Elizabeth and Jen, all of them have taken such good care of you and have given mommy and daddy some time away.

It has also been the month of..well...a lot of fussiness and not a lot of sleep.  We couldn't figure out what was going on with you--you started waking up every hour all night long, and have for about a month now, and you have been fussy a lot--crying a lot during feedings and when you had to burp, and finally we figured out that you have acid reflux.  Poor baby bug!  You've probably had it for months now, and we didn't put all the pieces together--Mommy is so sorry!  But we have you on medicine for it now, and even though your sleep hasn't really improved we at least have seen a big improvement in your eating--you are much calmer and don't scream as much when you have to burp.  I bet you've been hurting for awhile now, no wonder you can't sleep!  I am so glad to know they have medicines for things like this, but I will say it's been a really hard month.  Your grandma came for a few days to help and I know you wore her out!  After she left we had a really really hard week, and I have to admit, your mommy called her mommy every day in tears, because I couldn't get you to sleep, you fussed a lot, and I was so tired and so frustrated.  It's gotten a little better, but Grandma is coming back next week for a couple more days--I think she was worried about us!  So little man, in some ways this month has been SO SO fun--you have learned so much and interact so much and it is a blast to watch you learn and grow.  And in other ways this has been a very hard month--but hopefully things are getting a bit better with you!

We have learned that you have LOTS of stories to tell, and are talking to us all the time.  Aidan, I hope you always know that no matter what story you have to tell, your mommy and daddy want you to know we want to listen.  If you're chilling on your play mat or in your bouncer and just playing I am okay letting you just be, but when you start talking I try my hardest to stop what I'm doing and come make eye contact with you and listen to you.  Even though I have no idea what you're saying, I hope you always know that your stories are SO important to us!  Please keep telling us what's going on in your little mind!  I read that we are forming in you how you will interact with others for the rest of your life in these first couple years--and one thing I hope you will always do is realize how important people's stories are, and that you will always listen well and be heard.

Other fun outings this month included your first movie (The 5 Year Engagement) on a double date with your Mommy, and Karen and Joshua.  Every Monday morning the theater here has Mommy Movie Morning--so they show a film but leave some of the lights on, don't make it quite as loud, and have a changing table set up in the theater.  There were a ton of other moms and babies there which was awesome!  You also went to the beach for the first time!  We took you to Santa Monica for a couple hours to walk around and daddy showed you the waves for the first time--he was quite excited :)

My last favorite thing I realized this month is that you really recognize your Mommy in a crowd of people!  It was so so fun the moment I realized this, the moment I first saw you really quiet your fussing and turn towards my voice when someone else was holding you--and it happened for the first time in a very obvious way this past month.  I love that when you are being passed around you look for me, and as long as I'm somewhere nearby you're generally okay with whoever has you.  While you grow little one, I hope you always think of me as your safe place in this amazing world that is teeming with things for you to discover.  I love you my sweet Aidan, you bring so much joy to my life!

Should

From the moment I held that little plastic stick in my hand watching a "yes" show up in the little window, I have somehow become the queen of second guessing myself.  Oh not the decision to have a baby, I've never thought twice about that, even in the toughest of times over the last few months.  No, the decision to try for a child is not something I've ever second guessed.  It's all the other ones!  I've always known I'm a bit of a rule follower, I have always had a consistent idea of the do's and don'ts that have governed my life.  I like to do things by the book.  I just had no idea how that was going to impact me as a Mom.   You probably have realized how many books on parenting, babies, and every topic related to these there are in this world.  A lot.  No longer is there one trusted go-to resource that all parents rely on (I'm not sure there ever was, but there really isn't one today!)  When in the hospital we heard from many different nurses, doctors, lactation consultants, and child-educators about all the things we "should" do with our baby or definitely should not do.  By the time I was discharged my head was spinning with information, some of it that directly conflicted with information someone else had given me.  I was a mental mess, feeling so overwhelmed and completely at a loss as to what to do with my little bundle of fussiness that came home with us from the hospital.  People kept telling me "feed on demand," and "you can't spoil a baby this little," but then other books I read kept telling me "don't nurse your baby to sleep or he'll never sleep without it."  Some books said "let your baby sleep with you or on you because that's where he's most comfortable."  Others said "you have to teach them from day 1 how to start putting themselves to sleep."  On and on it's continued--advice that sounds great and logical that directly conflicts with other advice that also sounds great and logical (and some that just sounds downright crazy to me).  I would literally lay awake stressing about what advice to follow for a given situation, and I was driving myself crazy.

Until I received the best advice I think I have ever gotten when it comes to parenting.  I had called my uncle, a pediatrician for 30 years and a father of 4, to ask a few questions about sleep, and what is "normal" for a baby Aidan's age and how to help him sleep a little better.  He talked for a few minutes about sleep in general and then said "Sarah, there is no "should" here.  There is no one way to raise a baby or feed him or help him sleep or 'train' him.  Aidan is going to be who Aidan is, and if what he's doing is fine with you, who cares if it's on track with what the books say he 'should' be doing.  You need to trust your instinct.  You know him better than anyone on this planet, and you get to be the one to decide what he "should" be doing."  Tears came to my eyes as I felt the weight of trying to get my son to fit into the mold of what the "experts" say a 3 month old should or should not be doing be lifted off my shoulders.  He's healthy, he's fine, he's growing and learning and getting to know the world around him.  I wasn't a bad parent because I couldn't get my baby to sleep the way the books told me to.  (as an aside, after many conversations with other parents I have since decided that the people who write the sleep books on babies are kind of full of crap.  If a huge majority of 3 month old babies actually slept the way the books say they "should" be sleeping, no one would buy their books because no desperate sleep deprived parent would be on amazon looking for solutions at 3 in the morning!)

My uncle went on to tell me that he does tell parents there are some non-negotiable things in parenting.  Your kids absolutely have to know they are unconditionally loved by parents who will always be there for them.  Your kids need to be safe and protected, in their beds, in a car, while eating or playing--you can't just ignore car seat laws because you don't want to be told how your kid "should" be strapped in.  However, the biggest gift he gave me that day is he helped me realize my job is to let Aidan be Aidan.  It's not my job to cram him into some mold that some "expert" who will never meet my son set up.  He said he tells parents that if what their baby is doing is working for them and their family, then don't mess with it--don't change what you're doing.  It's when a baby's behavior starts to negatively impact the mental health or well being of the family that changes might need to be made with the help of a pediatrician.  (Aidan went through a stage of waking every 45 minutes, all night long, looking for mommy to nurse.  As you can imagine, this was negatively impacting me big time and led to us needing to think about helping him change his eating patterns a bit). I've felt the freedom in the past week to change some of the ways I'm working with him when it comes to sleep, and all of a sudden, when I relaxed and really thought about who this little person is and what I already know of his little personality, and made the appropriate changes, we're all sleeping a little better.  I made some decisions and changes with him that I never thought I would, but I'm okay with that.  My guess is when we have our next baby some day I'll have to make different decisions based on his or her personality, but I think that's what makes a wise parent--someone willing to look at their individual child and adapt parenting decisions based on those observations.  I think there will always be "shoulds" in parenting, and it will always be tempting to compare our kids with others, but I am going to do everything in my power to remember my uncle's wise words--"Aidan is going to be who Aidan is, and your job as his mom is to learn who that is and adjust your parenting to him.  And above all, trust your instinct, you really do have what it takes to raise this little person, even without all the books!"  I know there are so many other new moms out there feeling the same way--so bogged down with information, with "shoulds" and "should nots" and who are quietly feeling guilty about making a parenting decision that doesn't line up with what the "experts" say.  My hope is we can all free ourselves just a little bit from that kind of pressure and trust our instincts.  God created each of these little people uniquely, and we get the joyful, amazing, and sometimes difficult process of becoming students of the children He has placed in our lives.