Aidan's Birth Story

I'll be honest, this post really is more for me to have the story of our little guy's birth and his first week recorded somewhere, many of you won't want to read all this, and that's fine :) I just wanted to make sure that before I completely loose my mind to sleep deprivation I take time to write down some thoughts and memories of the days immediately surrounding Aidan's entrance into the world. There you go, that's your disclaimer :) Feel free to stop reading now if you so desire!

We had said all along that we didn't want our son to arrive too late, since my mom only had 3 weeks vacation and I wanted to take full advantage of her time on baby help! But we also didn't want him showing up too early since she didn't fly into town until Thursday Jan. 12. We all jokingly said that having the baby on Friday Jan. 13th sounded like a great day based on our family schedule, and wouldn't it be great if he cooperated? Well Friday rolled around and I was still very pregnant. On Friday evenings here in Granada Hills a ton of food trucks from around Los Angeles come and park on a street a few blocks from our apartment, and we thought it would be fun to introduce my mom to the LA food truck phenomenon. So Charles, mom and I walked up to the trucks (more like ran, for some reason the two of them set the pace and I did all I could to keep up--we later blame the race to the food trucks as the walk the sent me into labor!) and got dinner. We were joking about how on Sunday afternoon after church we were going to go visit a restaurant in Hollywood that has this famous salad known for inducing labor. It's been on national news and on the TV show The Doctor's. Something about the herbs in the dressing--it's literally known as "The Salad." Turns out we never got to go eat The Salad.

That night we climbed into bed around ten and my husband promptly fell asleep. It always takes me a little while to settle my mind down so about 20 minutes later I was just drifting off when a stomach cramp woke me up. It wasn't super painful, just different than what I'd been experiencing with Braxton Hicks contractions up until that point. It went away and I worked on going back to sleep. Soon enough another cramp woke me up, so I checked the clock and found that 20 minutes had passed since the first one. The next two hours found me dozing as these pains (which I knew by now were contractions) came and went every 15-20 minutes. At one point I got up and went out to the living room so as to not wake my husband yet, and went back through the paperwork from our childbirth class so I could remind myself what to expect and what signs meant "head to the hospital." We had downloaded a "contraction timer" app onto Charles' iPhone, so eventually I went back to bed and lay there timing them. Finally about 1:30 I woke Charles up, mostly with my tossing and turning. When he asked what I was doing and I said "timing contractions" he definitely woke up! We hung out together watching TV, timing contractions, and putting the last things into our hospital bags for a couple hours. As a side note, going into labor at night, as you're headed to sleep, is one of the worst times in my opinion. You've already been up all day and are just looking forward to a good night's sleep when you find yourself up all night again. And then in my case up all day the next day and half the next night too. That's a lot of days/nights with no sleep.

But I digress. We finally woke my mom up around 3 to ask her what she thought we should do. They tell you to labor at home as long as you can, and head to the hospital when either A) you can't handle the pain anymore and want drugs, or B) you are at a 5-1-1 stage--your contractions are 5 minutes apart, they last for 1 minute, and this pattern continues for an hour. My contractions were 4-6 minutes apart, lasting for about 45 seconds, but weren't really increasing in intensity (something else they tell you to look for). Finally at 5 we decided to head in just to get checked to see what was going on. Both my mom and sister had fast labors, so we were assuming genetics would play a part here and mine would be too, and already I'd been laboring longer than it took for my mom to have me. The world's nicest nurse met us at admitting and got me all checked out, and said she'd call my doctor and ask what the doctor wanted me to do. I was only at about 2 centimeters, so I still had a long way to go, so there was a chance I'd be sent home to continue laboring there for awhile. They decided to admit me and let me walk the halls of the hospital for a couple hours seeing if that would help things progress. So that's what we did, only it didn't really cause anything exciting to happen. I was still at a 2, maybe 3 centimeters after a couple hours of walking around. I was starving and so since we still had so far to go they let me eat jello and a banana for a little energy, and about 30 minutes later the pain increased and my breakfast promptly came back up in response to my contractions. Yup, not eating red jello again for awhile!

I felt bad for how long and boring the day was for my poor mom and husband! They were awesome though, they took turns doing pressure points and massage on my back, feeding me ice chips, holding bags as I got sick, walking the halls with me, and Charles even entertained me by reading to me from the book we're reading aloud (Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief). Finally at 2 I'd had it--I'd been up all night, the pain was increasing, and I knew I still had such a long ways to go that I asked for the epidural. It had been my plan all along to get one, I didn't feel bad about it at all, nor did I feel any desire or need to try for a natural childbirth. The anesthesiologist came in and he was amazing, so so funny and kind and kept me distracted and calm through the inserting of the epidural. Wow. Talk about amazing relief after hours of not being able to rest. It was incredible and I would have no qualms about recommending an epidural to anyone! It allowed me to get some sleep which I needed so badly.

A little while later I was dozing and all of a sudden there was a ton of commotion in the room. The anesthesiologist was there, my nurse came running in, the charge nurse came in and maybe some others? My mom's expression looked worried, and I had no idea what was going on. I know that oxygen was put on my face and I was told to take deep breaths to help the baby out, and a nurse said "I'm going to give you a shot in your arm right now" and I heard them say "have them on standby" (I'm assuming they were talking about the OR). Everyone nervously watched the monitors and eventually decided things were okay. Apparently what had happened is I had a tetanic contraction that is essentially one really long contraction with no break (mine lasted over 2.5 minutes) which puts a lot of pressure on baby's head and usually causes a sudden drop in their heartbeat. Which is exactly what happened, Aidan's heartbeat plummeted. So they gave me a shot super fast to stop the contraction and let the pressure ease up on him, and thankfully it worked, but it was pretty scary. I think this happened one other time during my labor, I know I was given oxygen more than that once, and I know at some point they turned off the pitocin they'd been giving me to let things ease up a bit.

Contractions continued and at some point the doctor came into break my water to see if that would speed things up a bit. It didn't. She said she'd be back to check me at 10 that evening, but if no progress had been made then she was predicting Aidan was tangled up in his cord and wasn't able to make the descent he needed to, and if that was the case there wasn't really anything they could do besides a c-section. The hours dragged on, broken up by a super sweet visit from our pastor and his wife. Jim and Chris drove all the way down to the hospital just to bring my mom and Charles coffee and to pray with us. It was so good to see them in the midst of a long day! Eventually it was 10. Pretty much no more progress had been made even though I'd been having strong contractions every 90 seconds for hours. At that point, I think we just wanted things to be done, we wanted our baby out safely. And the doctor, nurses, and my mom reassured Charles and I that this was in no way a result of any choices we'd made, there was absolutely nothing we could have done differently to have a different outcome. They moved pretty quick after that, and before I knew it I was in the OR being moved to the operating table being prepped for surgery. My husband was given a super cool outfit and was brought in to sit by my head. I was really surprised at how fast the surgery was, before I realized they'd even started (I was SUPER numb, literally could not tell anyone was even touching anything below my chest!) I heard the beautiful sound of our baby wailing away as they brought him out. Then I heard the doctor say "I was right! He was wearing his cord like a necklace and couldn't move down." Everything after that was kind of a blur, I know they toweled the baby off a bit, and handed him to Charles right away. He brought him over to see me, but I was shaking SO badly from the medicine I couldn't really touch him. I started crying asking if he was really okay. He was howling but quieted quickly as his daddy settled him down. The nurses took our first family photo and then they took Aidan to the nursery to clean him up and check him over. Charles got to go spend those first two hours with him while they put me into a light sleep to finish up the surgery and get me into recovery. I remember waking up in a different room, still really numb, and my mom was there. I remember asking her if she had seen him yet and she said yes, she had held him and he was perfect. I still had not really seen the baby but they said he would be brought in shortly. My mom let me make the 2 phone calls I had really wanted to make myself--to my dad and sister. I was too drugged to do much besides that, and all I remember was how parched my throat and voice felt from not being allowed to drink and from wearing the oxygen mask. I could barely talk but I was able to tell dad he was a Papa again and Megan that she was finally an auntie. Finally Charles came back wheeling the bassinet. The nurse and my mom helped me sit up and hold him for the first time. He was so little! It was pretty fantastic holding him, and we tried feeding but I don't really remember that. I think he sucked a few times and that was about it. I was exhausted and kind of groggy, so after a bit I handed him back to his daddy. They transferred me to my postpartum room and by now it was probably almost 1 AM. All I wanted was sleep. I sent my mom and Charles home (first major mistake made by me, I thought I'd be fine just sleeping there alone...I should have asked someone to stay the night with me) and we had them keep Aidan in the nursery for the night. I was completely incapable of even picking him up or getting out of bed to care for him, so they kept him in the nursery and fed him there. I was at the point where that was completely fine with me--even though I know it went against all the rules of establishing a good breast feeding habit with a newborn.

The rest of that night was a long blur of feeling drugged, incredibly nauseated (yes, I even threw up ice chips, I didn't even know that was possible), sore as the meds started wearing off, and bleeding way more than anyone was expecting. I think I was making the nurses nervous, but I was so out of it I didn't know that at the time. I slept fitfully, unable to really move on my own to roll over or reposition myself. First thing in the morning I called home and told my mom and Charles I needed them to come back, they wanted to bring the baby into the room and I couldn't mentally or physically handle being alone with him. For the first couple days I felt like the world's worst mom. I had so much physical healing to do, I couldn't get out of bed to pick him up, I didn't know how to feed him, I couldn't get up to change his diapers or swaddle him--everyone else had to do those things for me. These are all things you're supposed to do as a mom, and I couldn't. It really hit home when I called my grandparents first thing Sunday morning to make sure they knew Aidan had arrived and grandma asked what he looked like. I just started crying and had to say that I had no idea, I'd still only held him the one time late Saturday night, and I was so out of it all I could remember is that he had dark hair. What kind of mom can't even picture what her own baby looks like?? It was a horrible, horrible feeling. I remember crying a lot those first few days--feeling disappointed that things had gone so differently than we planned, dealing with a lot of physical pain, feeling like a failure because everything they tell you to do in the first "essential few hours with your baby" I couldn't do, and feeling completely and utterly exhausted.

My dad arrived about 1 on Sunday, having caught the first flight he could on Sunday morning to come meet his grandson, and we had a lot of other visitors throughout the day on Sunday of people excited to meet our baby. As much as I wanted to see close friends, and introduce them to Aidan, looking back that's one thing I think I would have done differently. I think I would have asked visitors to wait until Monday, and would have protected that first day to be just family--which would have helped me get some rest, and I still hadn't really spent much time holding and looking at my own son. As it was I wasn't able to nap at all that day because of so many people (both medical staff and visitors and even people via Skype that "met" Aidan from long distance) in and out of the room. By Sunday night I was an emotional wreck partly from hormones and partly from sheer exhaustion--I really thought I was the world's worst new mom, and all I could do was cry. I think one thing I'd say to new moms is that it's okay to say you need rest, your close friends will love you enough to understand and be happy to come see you on day 2 or 3 when you're feeling a little more human! I sent Charles and my dad home that night to get some good sleep and had my mom stay with me mostly because I needed a nurse--I was so physically miserable I needed someone to take care of me while Aidan spent another night in the nursery (although I was able to nurse by now so they brought him to me for feedings and then took him back so I could sleep more).

Thankfully by Monday morning I'd turned a bit of a corner--they finally unhooked my IV, took my catheter out, took the compression boot things off my legs and let me get out of bed for the first time and take a real shower and put on my own clothes. Oh my gosh I felt like a new person. I moved slow, but I was able to get out of bed and sit in a chair and nurse from there, and was able to eat real food again--since I'd successfully been keeping my liquid diet down :) Charles stayed with me that night and we did our best to deal with the infamous "night number 2" of having a newborn. Apparently it's super common for babies to be up all night on the second night, wanting to nurse constantly. Our little guy was no exception and we spent a long night together trying different soothing techniques. I was finally discharged Tuesday afternoon which was awesome--they were going to keep me until Wednesday but my doctor correctly predicted I'd be in great hands going home with two nurses, and would get way more rest at home than in the hospital. So we packed up, headed home, and began the journey of adjusting to life with a newborn! I will write more about our first couple weeks at home later, but this post is getting long enough, if anyone is still reading I am impressed! As much as we had hopes of our birth experience going differently, we are so grateful for a healthy baby boy and that my recovery has gone really well (after those first horrible 24 hours!). God has blessed us beyond belief, and we look forward to sharing more of our adventures and stories of adjusting to parenthood with you all!

Week 38--Summer in January?

When I found out I was pregnant and started "doing the math" figuring out our due date, my initial reaction when I found out we were having a January baby was "oh thank goodness! I won't be super pregnant when it's hot!" I hate the heat, I always have, so imagining being 9 months pregnant in the summer sounded like torture. Apparently the weather people did not get the memo that it is NOT supposed to be 85 degrees in January! It is like summer here, I've been in shorts and sandals all week, which just feels wrong! And yes, I think it feels hotter since I'm hauling around a bunch of extra weight. Hello swollen fingers and toes! Other than that though, week 38 has been pretty uneventful. The doctor doesn't seem to think baby is coming anytime in the next 7 days, which is probably best for a lot of reasons, but last night I was awoken with some strange twinges and aching in my lower abdomen which had me convinced labor was starting (it wasn't), so of course I laid awake for the next two hours unable to sleep. Luckily I am in the midst of reading John Steinbeck's East of Eden which is SUCH a good book--so much better than I expected, and long--several hundred pages--so it's keeping me entertained quite well for quite awhile as we wait for baby! So Steinbeck and I were bonding at 2 AM last night while I ate honey nut cheerios. It was quite the party!

I've spent a lot of time this week getting random things checked off my to do list, which has felt quite wonderful. The big baby-related ones are that we got our stroller assembled (and I am in LOVE with it--I cannot even begin to tell you how much I adore this stroller and how easy it is to use, assemble, fold, and carry), and we got our car seat installed. We had a professionally certified car seat specialist install it for us and show us how to work it to make sure that we weren't one of the 90% of people who apparently use their car seats wrong. That really is the statistic from the highway patrol. It was totally worth it to have our new friend Rick over at Baby Town walk us through the exact details of our specific car seat and how it will work in our specific car. If you're having a baby in the Northridge area, I'd highly recommend him--saved us a TON of time spent with manuals and guessing as to whether or not we'd gotten the base tight enough (he says people rarely do). So we're now driving around with a car seat which is making this baby thing seem VERY real! I've also been shopping for my Christmas gift from my parents--a glider/rocker for the baby's room, and I know what I want, it's just a matter of finding out who sells the brand I'm looking for around here. Hopefully I'll be ordering it today though and it should be arriving next week which will be fantastic. Other little things I'm working on getting done this week are things I just won't take time for in the next month or so. Like a hair cut, and maybe a pedicure (I didn't think I'd need one in January but apparently January is the new June here and I'll be barefoot a lot!)

We finally visited the DMV this morning and took our written tests to get our California drivers licenses back and get our car registered, so it feels fantastic having that checked off the list as well. I also realized I was 2 years behind on my family photo albums, and before I get inundated with baby pictures in 2012 I figured I should get caught up. So the other day I finished our 2010 family album and I'm getting started on our 2011 album. I create them on line using Shutterfly.com which has been great, so easy to use, and I love the way they turn out. My goal is to finish the 2011 album and order that before our munchkin comes since once we have him we'll have more photos than we know what to do with! Oh yeah, and I'm also camera shopping this week...we always said we wanted to invest in a nice camera when we had kids. Well we're having a kid soon, so I figured I should actually work on this! So it's been a full week, lots of running errands and on line research, but it's been fun to cross things off the list that I always said I wanted to do.

This Sunday the youth department is throwing us a baby shower at the church which we are very excited about and honored by, so I've been given strict instructions not to have this baby before then! Otherwise we're sharing meals with two different couples which we are very much looking forward to, and I'm hoping my husband gets some good beach time in on Saturday morning--he's been working so hard trying to get things squared away for the month of youth programs so when he does need to take some days off he's not stressed about who is running youth group that night etc. He also moved offices last week and has a great space set up that is much larger than his previous space, so that's been a lot of work too--getting that set up and arranged how he wants it.

Anyways, I'm off to go get dinner started, but I hope you're enjoying your week wherever you are! And that it feels a little like winter for some of you!

Week 37--the week of strange interactions!

Almost there! This little guy is going to be here before we know it, and I'm not so sure how I feel about that! Super excited to meet him and cuddle him, and a little terrified of the whole process of getting him out of me and into my arms if I'm honest! I am such a control freak, this whole not knowing when labor will start, or how it will go, or how long it will last is very stressful to a type A person like myself. But I know it's getting closer, I'm having little signs that this guy is going to be here soon--hopefully still not for another week and a half or so though! We've decided that the 13th would be the perfect date for him to show up based on a lot of factors...but we'll see how cooperative he decides to be!

Physically I'm still feeling pretty good for the most part--although I will say bones that I've never really felt before are super achey all of a sudden. Apparently as a hormone is released the bones in my hips/pelvis are relaxing and preparing for birth--which is an amazing concept, but I will say climbing out of bed, walking around, and sitting in various positions are becoming more challenging and uncomfortable. Combine that fact with the fact that my feet are also achey a lot more in the past week than they have been, and you get someone who feels like she's waddling and hobbling around more than walking! My feet thankfully aren't swollen, just really sore and most shoes aren't comfortable. I think it's probably due to my bones and muscles not being used to supporting and carrying around 30 extra pounds on a daily basis! My weekly email that I get telling me what I can expect to be happening with my body and baby that week has a list of signs that labor is relatively near ("relatively near" means anywhere from 2 days to 2 weeks) and I have almost all of the "symptoms" slowly beginning to emerge. I get hit with spurts of "nesting" energy and decide that I need to vacuum and do 6 loads of laundry and clean both bathrooms and pack my hospital bag RIGHT NOW (that was yesterday) followed by waves of total exhaustion (usually in the same day). I have literally started putting "nap time" in my calendar each day because I realized about 2 weeks ago that I was completely incapable of making it through a full day without laying down for awhile. It's almost like the first trimester again, where not napping is not an option. My parents and sister no longer call me between about 1 and 3 in the afternoon because they know that I will be asleep for part of that window of time. My problem though is that once I nap, I often can't fall asleep at night as well, or stay asleep. Part of this is due to how many times I now have to get up to find the bathroom each night, and part of this is because to stay in one position for too long puts too much weight and pressure on hips/knees and other joints in my body--but rolling over and changing positions requires repositioning several pillows. It's really almost a comical thing, to watch me try and sleep!

So I titled this post the week of strange interactions because it was a week of just random and sort of bizarre things happening. Last Monday I was at the grocery store and had just unloaded my groceries onto the conveyor belt when a man carrying only a loaf of bread walks up behind me. I was going to let him go ahead of me, but before I could make eye contact with him or say anything he walks past me and says "I only have 1 item, therefore I go in front of you" and hands his bread to the clerk before I could say anything. I was so flabbergasted I just kind of stood there thinking "um okay...." I almost started laughing, I've never had anyone so blatantly cut in front of me like that! Random interaction number 2 was on Thursday when I was at my OB's office. I had been chatting with a woman in the waiting room who had a 3 week old baby boy also named Aidan, and spelled "-an" like we chose to do. (Side note: the "American" spelling is "Aiden" which means our poor kid is going to have his name misspelled forever, but the Gaelic way of spelling Aidan--which is where the name comes from--is with an -an--so just remember, our little guy has 2 "a's" in his name and no "e" :)....but I digress. Anyway, we were chatting for just a few minutes before my name was called. She was still sitting there when I came out 15 minutes later and calls across the waiting room "so how many centimeters are you dilated??" Really? Thanks total stranger! In front of other total strangers! I just said "I'm not yet" and she gets this shocked look on her face and said "you're NOT? When I was at 37 weeks I was already at 2 centimeters!" My doctor was standing in the door way and just winked at me and mouthed "it's not a competition!" and I just looked at the lady and smiled and said "I'm really really okay with being at a 0 right now. I'd like him to stay put until the week of his due date so my parents can be here and I can have our baby shower that is planned for that week." Again, I just kind of shook my head...I don't think it would ever occur to me to call out to a total stranger to ask them how many centimeters they are dilating!

Other fun happenings of week 37 was that we went to go see Wicked on Tuesday night!! It was our Christmas gift to each other, and it was SO amazing. I'd seen it probably about 5 years ago with friends and loved it, but Charles had never seen it and had always wanted to. He loved the entire thing, and then after the show we had the opportunity to go back stage and on a tour of the "behind the scenes" at the Pantages theater. A gentleman from our church is a trumpet player in the orchestra there and he and Charles are in a weekly bible study together. He offered to take us around when he found out we would be there, and it was SO cool to see a little bit of how they put a show like this together. We got to walk out on the stage, see the inside of the orchestra pit, see the make up/wig/costume rooms and several other spaces. It was a fantastic evening, and we are so grateful to him for making that possible! (This isn't the best picture, but the one backstage picture we got to take was of the Wizard of Oz that is used in the show).

On Friday night we had the opportunity to serve our pastor and his wife at their 25th anniversary party. They needed someone to be there early to be the point person for last minute food set up/drink servers/water refillers etc while they and their guests were in the sanctuary for their vow renewal. We were honored to be asked and spent the evening arranging food, serving wine, lighting candles, getting music playing in the background, setting out desserts etc. It was a really intimate party, mostly their family and a few good friends, only a couple people from the church (their small group members I think) so it was fun to meet their daughters and other relatives and be there in the background observing their community celebrating them. We had them over for dinner tonight and had fun hearing their reflections on their party and continuing to get to know this incredible couple.

I know New Year's Eve was this weekend, but I have to say this year might go down in history as one of the more boring new year's we've had! We didn't do anything. Well, that's not true. I was craving cheese. That was ALL I wanted to eat. So I made cheese fondue for dinner (healthy, I know) and then we watched the 6th Harry Potter movie and were in bed by 11:30. Yup, we have an exciting social life!

That about covers it for week 37! Yesterday began week 38, so we'll see what this week brings! Next Sunday the church is throwing us a baby shower, so I'm hoping Aidan stays put until after that--I've been instructed by the ladies planning it to keep him in there until at least after 3:00 PM next Sunday. So I'll do my best! If you need to smile between now and then, my sister started posting on her blog again but instead of long posts she's doing "things heard from her 2 year old's mouth" and is keeping track of things Lily says. You will crack up, I promise, this kid has LOT of personality and talks a LOT! So check that out and let yourself have a good chuckle when you need one--it's kind of fun looking at the world through the eyes of a 2 year old--she sees things so differently than adults to that it's kind of awesome. Have a great first week of 2012 my friends!

Week 36--A Very Merry Christmas Week!

Technically we're in week 37 now, but I didn't get a chance to write last week, so here is our week 36 in a nutshell! We got to have a late-term ultra sound at the end of week 35, and we were so thrilled to learn that our little guy looks awesome, and they estimated him to be right about 6 pounds, so now he should be close to 6 1/2 pounds if he's following the typical pattern of gaining a 1/2 pound a week for the last month. It feels like he's gaining more weight at least, mommy's back is getting more and more sore as the days go by! I've made it to the point in the pregnancy where I get to see my OB every week, which I think has been good since she is new to me, it's been giving me a chance to get to know her a bit before we call on her in the midst of labor. We "graduated" from our childbirth class this past week, with a diploma and everything :) (Now we just have to pass that very real life final exam...you know, the part where you actually have to put into practice what you learned!) I'm feeling pretty good, with the exception of my back, which is just sore all the time. I splurged on a real massage last week, which was incredible, and I've decided I'll go back next week for another one (hey it was doctor's orders, she said that was all that was really going to help my pinched nerve!)

We also had the privilege in week 36 to have Charles' sister and her 4 kids here for a few days! It was so fun to see them, to show them around LA a little--they'd never been out here. We took them to wander around Hollywood and then Charles took them to Disneyland for a full day which they loved. They came to our high school youth group's family Christmas party which was very fun, and got to see where Uncle Chuck spends a lot of his time!

My new pregnancy craving? That would be clementine cutie tangerines. I've literally eaten 3 boxes by myself in the past 3 weeks. I think I've definitely been getting enough vitamin C these days! Someone in the grocery store stopped and asked me if I had been craving them (she saw me buying a box) and I said yes, and she said that I must be having a boy because people who have boys crave citrus apparently. I don't know about that, but I do know they are delicious, and I normally don't love citrus!

And I realize this might be the most boring blog post in the history of blog posts. But I'm going to go ahead and post it and see if I have a bit more energy/inspiration tomorrow for some better writing :)

It Just Takes Some Time

I kind of thought the past was behind us. I thought I'd moved on. But the past has a sneaky way of rearing it's ugly head when we least expect it and kind of throwing us off guard. Last night as we were climbing into bed my husband commented "I'm just so happy! I have everything I ever could want. I have a job at a church that I love with people I love, a wife I am crazy about, I'm going to be a daddy soon, and we're back living in a place I love." I agreed with him, and commented that I too was extremely happy, and after the year we've just had, that's kind of a nice feeling. We fell into a cozy slumber snuggled down in our flannel sheets (me in my Snoogle nest!) And then the dreams started. I've commented before how real and exceptionally vivid my dreams have become since getting pregnant--apparently it's a very normal "side effect" because of all the crazy hormones that are running rampant in my body. Last night's was no exception. I dreamed that the week before the baby was born the staff at our new church held a series of secret meetings with committees and elders and decided they didn't like us. They voted us out and told us never to come back. What made it even more painful is two of our closest friends were part of that voting process and voted us out of the community as well. I woke with tears streaming down my face and tried to orient myself in the darkness. "It was just a dream. That didn't happen. You're okay." Except that is what happened. Six months ago, out of the blue, no warning, just because the leadership didn't like our approach to youth ministry (build relationships, not huge events, relationships last, events don't). We got no goodbyes, no closure, just a lot of pain to sort through.

And I think it's still impacting me. When we arrived in Seattle last January I threw myself into meeting people, learning names, building relationships across generations, having meals with various families from the congregation etc. Within a week of being there I was substitute teaching in the adult education classes, I was frantically studying the church directory learning names and faces as fast as I could, and doing everything I could to be 100% committed to and involved in the church community. Then we got burned. Badly. As we've entered into a new community here, I think our past has impacted how I've handled that process this time around. I think I'm scared. I know I'm a scarred animal. I know what it's like to be literally voted out of a community and relationships, and that makes one a bit wary starting over. Part of this might have a lot to do with the fact that I am really pregnant and my energy level and brain power feels like it is a fraction of what it was back in January. But I think part of it is being afraid. I want to let myself be fully happy here, fully invested and settled, yet there's always that nagging voice in the back of my head saying "be careful, churches hurt." I adore the people I've met here, and love being part of this community, but this time around I feel like I'm giving myself a bit more time to learn people's names, to dive in with both feet. I think it's just going to take some time for the healing to still happen. I think as the next few months unfold we'll find some of those scars fading and I'll be more able to fully embrace this community without fear that they are here to hurt us. I look forward to that day. I like to rush things, and I think that's one of the things I've learned this year. You can't rush healing. You can't rush the grieving process and just plow ahead with life pretending it doesn't still impact you. Because the past has a way of rearing it's ugly head in ways that catch us off guard. Sometimes I think that's God's way of helping us remember our past, the lessons we're learning and His faithfulness through those incredibly difficult times. That's one of the constant themes of this year too, God's faithfulness. Seeing where we were 12 months ago, and then 6 months ago, and then even 3 months ago and where we are now, it's incredible how He's worked. We are SO grateful to Him for bringing us to this place and thrilled to be here, and through this all God has never promised healing will be immediate, but He does promise us that He'll continue walking with us as we let ourselves take some time.

Weeks 34 & 35--Made it to the Melon Stage!

Our munchkin has hit the size of the cantaloupe and honeydew melons (no, he's not a watermelon yet, even if I feel like my belly is!). He is definitely getting bigger, it's quite impressive to me how my belly still finds ways to grow. Rumor has it though he's about reached his length, so now he's just packing on the pounds of baby fat (gaining about a 1/2 pound a week for the next 4 weeks before delivery!). His lungs are still maturing, and so is that little brain of his (so I'm definitely taking my Omega 3 supplements these days to help his brain development out!) Otherwise he's pretty much ready to come join us! He's been practicing his sucking and swallowing reflexes in there, and his grasping reflex as he hangs onto the umbilical cord and sucks on his little fingers. His movements are much more stretching movements as opposed to the fluttering, kicking movements of a few weeks ago (he's no longer turning somersaults, he's running out of room in there!) And I think his favorite past time is to see how far he can stretch his feet in to his mommy's ribs and lungs. Yup, it's a really fun game we like to play now :) Just in this past week I've had the overwhelming urge to meet this little one. I understand why people say the last month is the longest. I'm perfectly content for him to stay put for a bit since his room isn't set up and it really is best for babies to make it to 38-39 weeks, so as anxious as I am to see him and hold him I can wait for his sake. But I understand now how people say that as scary as the thought of labor is, you're just ready to get this baby out by the time labor comes around. In the past week I've gone from "being pregnant is no big deal, this has been a piece of cake" to "ok, I'm officially sore, all over, all the time. I'm tired of not being able to breathe, and sleeping is getting to be almost impossible (turning over is a major cardio work out, especially when tangled in a night gown, sheets and five pillows!)" Being on my feet for long periods of time (ok, more then 20-30 minutes) is painful, and walking has become more of a waddle as the hormones have been softening up my hip joints in preparation for delivery. Oh yeah, and knots in my back muscles are a daily occurrence. I still LOVE feeling him move around and am so grateful for the relatively easy pregnancy, so I try not to complain much, but I definitely can see how, come January, I'll be VERY ready to get this baby out! I played hookey from youth group last night out of pure exhaustion. I just mentally couldn't engage with people, even though I wanted to be there. But thankfully I slept MUCH better last night and feel somewhat more awake today!

We've been doing a LOT of getting ready for our little man in terms of learning. We're taking our child birth class, and have been to 2 of the 5 sessions so far. I'm learning how to focus and breathe (and am getting lots of time to practice as braxton hicks contractions are now a part of my day every day!), and Charles is learning how to time contractions, when it's time to head to the hospital, how to put pressure on various parts of my back to alleviate pain, and what to expect at the various stages of labor. I am SO grateful to be going through this with him, and even if the instructor isn't the best I think it's been helpful for both of us to at least be exposed to some of the events and vocabulary surrounding labor and delivery. Saturday morning we had a 3 hour class teaching us the basics of infant care. We learned all about swaddling, diapering, dressing, bathing, car seat safety, feeding, and sleeping safety. It was a good basic overview, a lot of the info I already knew from my years as a nanny of infants and from caring for nieces, but it was still helpful to be refreshed on some things, and to let Charles and I practice together. Tonight is our infant CPR and Safety class which is the one our doctor says is the most important to her that we take. She said she doesn't care if we ignore all the other classes, but she hates sending newborns home with parents who she knows aren't CPR certified. So that's what we're doing tonight! Our last class, a breastfeeding class, isn't until January 9th, so if this little one is early by a week then we'll be missing that one!

I think one of the reasons I've had such a tough time sleeping lately is because I think my mind has been a little stressed with a lot of things I need to remember to do. Except then when it's day time I'm too tired or unmotivated to do them. Which doesn't help the next night's sleep. We are super excited to have Charles' sister and kids coming this weekend to celebrate early Christmas with us, but that means Christmas is a week early (and we need to mail gifts to the east coast for other family--so time to get those purchased, wrapped and mailed!). (although now I'm down to presents for 2 people, so really Christmas shopping is all but done). I realized we haven't done some essential moving things like DMV stuff, renter's insurance etc and those things were mentally piling up. Then of course there's the baby room which isn't close to being ready. And silly things that were stressing me out, like cleaning out the car that is full of sand (or taking it to get cleaned!) and learning how to work our car seat and getting that installed and checked by the highway patrol office before baby comes. So last night I sat down and made a list of everything that needs to get done this week. I decided all baby related stuff can happen next week after company leaves :) I scheduled out my week, including times to rest/nap, prep meals, Christmas shop, and take care of paperwork around the house. I'm happy to report that it's 1 on Monday and I've had a crazy productive morning, getting everything done I wanted to by lunch time. It's amazing how much less stress I feel having things written down and planned out. So here's to a productive week!

People ask me if I'm getting worried about giving birth or getting nervous about baby arriving, and I think I was until I started taking these childbirth classes and reading more. I think I'll be okay, gaining information feels empowering, both my doctor and my husband are 100% on board with my plans to have some help with pain management, and I know Chuck will do a great job encouraging me and supporting me through it. What I do feel stressed about is the fact that we have no idea when he'll show up, when I'll go into labor, how long it will last, if my parents will be in town yet or if we'll be alone etc. So I was feeling stressed about all these things I can't control. Then I realized there are a lot of things i CAN do to prepare, and I'll just do my best with those things. We'll make sure the car seat is installed and double checked by the police department, we'll work on getting a crib next week, we'll pack the hospital bag around New Year's and make my playlist for my ipod of music that is super peaceful to me. For some reason I dreamed the other night that I was SUPER anxious about not finding the right going home outfit for Aidan in the pile of baby clothes I have, so I can choose that and put that aside and in some strange way that makes me feel less stressed. (Thank you Aunt Carolyn for the huge box of ridiculously adorable baby boy clothes...pretty sure his going home outfit is coming from you!! It is going to be impossible to pick which one though because they are all amazing!!) I think doing these little things are making me feel more prepared and helping me be more at ease.

I've rambled at you all enough! You're probably sick of pregnancy related posts, someday I'll have something theological and meaningful to reflect on again, but for right now, this is kind of the brain power I have at the moment! Have a great week everyone!

Things No One Tells You About Pregnancy

When my sister was at the exact same spot in her first pregnancy, she wrote a blog post called Things I Wish I'd Known Prior to Pregnancy. It cracked me up, because I had literally never thought about some of the things she mentioned. I vaguely remembered her writing this, so today I went back through her blog and found it and re-read it, and resonated with just about everything she said. I think she left a few things off though :) So here's my list, some taken from her, and some I have come up with on my own. For your reading enjoyment, here are things I never anticipated/expected when I saw that plus sign on a stick 30-some weeks ago.

1. I had no idea how many pillows it takes at night to get comfortable enough to sleep. Who knew that if you don't keep a pillow between your legs, one under your growing belly, one under your arms, and one under your head you will wake up with a major back ache?? When I was registering at Babies R Us I saw these fancy pillows called Snoogles, which looked a little ridiculous and cost over $60, which is way more than I have ever paid for any type of pillow. There was NO way I was going to buy a snoogle, how useful could a Snoogle be? Yeah, I went and bought a Snoogle this weekend. And I haven't slept this well in weeks. It's amazing. It supports everything that needs to be supported perfectly. I think my husband kind of wants one now....and yes, when I crawl into my snoogle nest every night I look as happy and silly as this lady here in the photo, because it really is that amazing.

2. I'm pretty aware of the pregnancy dos and don'ts, and I've followed them really well these past 8 months. I've taken prenatal vitamins every day, drank a gallon of milk a week, eaten more protein than I normally enjoy, learned to eat cottage cheese for calcium and protein because I hate yogurt, only eaten lunch meat that's been thoroughly heated to kill any bacteria, avoided anything unpasteurized (no raw cookie dough, caesar salad dressing in case of any raw eggs etc), and of course alcohol and caffeine have gone away. What I didn't know is that every time I talked to a different friend I learned of something else I was supposed to be avoiding because they read somewhere on line that it could potentially be harmful. I've decided that just because the internet says it, it might not be true.

3. You will undoubtedly pee in your pants a little at some point in your pregnancy when you sneeze, laugh, or cough too hard. It will happen, I promise. Probably more than once.

4. As soon as people find out you are pregnant, they will start offering advice. Some are super gentle and tactful, others (especially strangers) are fairly blunt in offering their opinion of what you should be experiencing, or how you should do such-and-such with your child. It's one thing if I specifically ask someone for advice (which I have several times, there are people whose opinions I really want--mostly because I admire their kids and family so much I want to know what they did to achieve that. So occasionally I'll ask them "so what advice do you have for a first time mom/birth/pregnancy etc?") but in general advice is often unsolicited, and usually from strangers (in my case, usually on airplanes). My favorite is when someone offers advice that is useless to me now (ie: telling me how to bathe my newborn to make sure he likes the water when I'm a grand total of 4 months pregnant, or when a MAN tells me that labor really isn't that bad). I'm still working on a good response for when unsolicited advice is offered :)

5. Insomnia. I really thought when people talked about having trouble sleeping in pregnancy it was because of discomfort. I had no idea there would be multiple nights a week when I'd wake up and my mind would be going a million miles a minute as if I'd just drank espresso. It's quite unfortunate how much sleep you loose before even having the baby. The CRAZY dreams are NOT helpful either, it's really amazing how much my dreams changed almost immediately (looking back before I even knew I was pregnant I was having really intense dreams, so that was one of my first "symptoms").

6. I have gone through gallons of lotion. I drink a TON of water and my skin is still beyond dry (could be the weather here too, but I've NEVER had this crazy dry skin). So pick a favorite brand, go to Costco, and buy a giant bottle for every room in the house. At least I had to!

7. Tying my shoes feels like a major work out these days. Really, you try it. Go get a basketball, tie it to your stomach and then try and reach your feet :)

8. I have never ever gotten tired of feeling this baby move inside me. His kicks are getting more painful, and I'll be ready to get him out of here soon, but I had NO idea what an incredible feeling it would be to feel a little person stretch and squirm inside me. And when it's late at night and he's moving and I can't sleep, if I put my tummy up against my husband's back, he can feel the kicks too. Just sharing the late night fun.

9. One of life's most basic skills (breathing) becomes incredibly difficult. I'll be doing nothing but sitting on the couch and depending on what position the baby is in I cannot for the life of me catch a full breath. It's kind of a crazy feeling, one I'm not a huge fan of.

10. Today I discovered two more tasks that are really difficult with a belly in the way. Shaving and peeing in a cup. Both should be done with a clear line of vision, which I no longer have.

11. I have never tried Tums. Until September. Now Tums and I are good friends.

12. People talked about "pregnancy brain" and I kind of thought they were a little crazy. They must just not be very organized or detail-oriented people to begin with. I on the other hand was NEVER going to have a problem with forgetfulness. I was never going to lock my keys in my apartment. I would never go to a grocery store and forget why I was there. I love words, I'd never forget words in the middle of a sentence. Yeah....I am a full sufferer of pregnancy brain. It's the strangest, most frustrating thing for me. I've now done all the above. And more. I will say packing boxes and then trying to remember where certain things were packed when we moved was a lot easier last year when we moved and I wasn't pregnant. I take back all the times I thought people who talked about pregnancy brain were making it up!