Reflections on the end of an era

Well, I'm done! Not only with chaplaincy, but with all of Fuller. With my master's degree. With a season of life that has been the last 4 years. It's been a crazy ride that is for sure! When I came to Fuller 4 years ago this fall, the only person I knew on campus was Ryan, I didn't really want to be a pastor (I still wasn't convinced I believed women should be pastors), I hated the heat and the brown of Southern California, and I wasn't sure why God was calling me to this place. I wasn't incredibly confident or secure in who I was, I don't think I knew myself very well. My response to what kind of pastor I might want to be was always "something behind the scenes, there is NO way I am going to preach or teach or do things up front." I am walking out of this place with several close friendships, a husband, a confidence that I do believe women should be serving as pastors, an understanding of who I am, what my gifts are, what my passions are (one of them happens to be preaching), and...well...I still don't like the heat and brown-ness of Southern Cal! It is amazing to be at this place, a place I wasn't sure I ever would arrive at.

I used to get squeamish in hospitals, and the idea of walking into an emergency room at a time of crisis left me cold and blank as to what to do. The other day I randomly walked into the critical care unit to do some rounds, and was met by a nurse. He told me that the patient in room 3 had just died, and while they hadn't paged for the chaplain yet, he was glad I was there and could I go say something to the family? Ten weeks ago I walked into a similar situation and I froze. I had no idea what to say, how to get the information about the patient, family, and religious background that might be helpful, had no idea what to ask the family, or how to walk them through the process of losing a loved one. This week, I responded to the nurse with "sure, no problem," and without missing a beat I grabbed the patient's chart, found her name, religion, age, family info, and what she died from. I walked into the room with confidence and empathy, introducing myself, expressing sympathy at their loss, helped answer all their logistical questions, and even was able to get them to share a few memories of their loved one (which often helps with diffusing the anger or tension in the room if any is present--which it was in this case). While I don't love chaplaincy, and while I don't believe I am called to do this full time, I love that I am leaving this internship with this kind of experience and confidence.

I couldn't even begin to list or name my favorite moments at Fuller--there are WAY too many! Jenn and I were joking the other day about how we managed to end up in all kinds of random events that seemed disasterous at the time but gave us all kinds of things to laugh about 4 years later! (our first year Greek class, a horrific trip to Santa Monica, and a nightmareish Thanksgiving dinner top the list from that first year I'd say!) I have had some amazing times, laughed a lot, cried a lot, and grown a ton since arriving here. I'm able to articulate my theology and what I think and believe with greater confidence, and CPE gave me the chance to put that into practice--to see how these beliefs hold up in the midst of crisis and pain. In our CPE graduation today, my fellow chaplain, Lori, gave a beautiful reflection on our time together and all that we have learned. She wrote: "as a group, we have learned to find our voices, to be able to name what we need, we have overcome issues of perfectionism and performance, we have learned to accept ourselves, we have learned to constructively process success and failure, and we have learned to trust who God created us to be." Those lessons didn't come easily. They came as we spent hours and hours together around the table talking, processing, pushing one another, and challenging each other to go deeper, to look at where our issues come from and how we can grow out of them. It was an incredible experience. Exhausting, but incredible.

And now I'm done. I've written literally hundreds of pages on a wide variety of topics, I've read (or skimmed...) a ton of books, I've wrestled, challenged myself, questioned a lot, and am leaving here with the realization of how little I really know. They call it a master's of divinity degree, but really, how can you master the Divine? To do so would be to place God in a box, and if there is anything I have learned it is that our God fits no box. The second we think we understand something about Him, the more He surprises us. Mastering the divine...yes I do indeed think this is impossible. For if God could be Mastered, he wouldn't really be God, would he?