The Mommy Wars

One of my favorite bloggers, Rachel Held Evans, commented in a post one day that it's not really the kids themselves that make her the most nervous about parenting some day, it's the moms. I've felt this way for awhile as over the years I've spent much time browsing the web, reading blogs, seeing facebook comments, and even engaging in conversations with people, but now that I am about to be a mom myself, I find myself downright terrified of being subjected to the "mommy wars" that rage viciously around our society.

It used to be that the main battle women seem to face off over is working moms vs. stay at home moms. Turn on any Oprah re-runs or Dr. Phil episode and you can probably see remnants of this debate still echoing. Now though, thanks to the invention of the internet and the blogosphere, Mommy Wars are raging all over the place over birth plans/methods (hospitals vs. home, epidurals vs. natural), breast feeding vs. bottle feeding, cloth vs. disposable diapering, to vaccinate kids vs. to not vaccinate kids. You name it, women are talking about it. Oftentimes rather viciously. Men tend to (wisely) stay out of these conversations, but oh my word! Women, we can be so vicious to one another! Even on Christian sites I've seen conversations and comments that lean in the direction of "this is the right choice, if you choose differently you're endangering your child, hindering their chances in life, and are thus a bad parent."

I'm not that pregnant, I'm not showing to the point of being randomly stopped by strangers to ask when I'm due (although I am told that is coming!) But already I have been the recipient of the following comments--both from people I know, and a few from strangers (who boldly asked if I was pregnant!):

*"Are you planning on cloth diapering?"

*"I can't believe you're following all these rules from your doctor--in my day we drank caffeine, ate lunch meat, drank wine, and our kids are fine!"

*"Do you guys have a birth plan yet? Are you going to get an epidural?"

*"You are planning on breast feeding right?"

*"Have you decided what you're going to do about vaccinating your kids?"

*"I only let my toddler eat things that are organic, and I'm sure you'll want to do the same someday." (Really?? This person had known me for less than a month and was SURE I am going to make the same choice?)

*"You have a masters degree, I really hope you're planning on using it, it's such a waste of money if you just stay home with a baby."

*"You are planning on staying home right?"

Seriously. I am 19 weeks pregnant and already I have received ALL of these comments/questions. I can only imagine how much worse it gets when the sweet baby is finally out of me! I do understand, sometimes these questions are just conversation starters and well-intentioned people are curious--they aren't meant to be pushing an opinion on me. But honestly, for the most part, I struggle to understand how it is anyone's business if I choose to avoid lunch meat while pregnant, or if I plan on vaccinating my kiddos or not. To just about every question I have responded with "my husband and I are going to talk things over, and with the counsel of our doctor whom I trust completely, and our baby's pediatrician, we'll make a decision for our family and child together." I'm not making my decisions in a vacuum, but I also don't feel the need to consult every person I've ever met who has had kids, or the blogosphere of Mommy Bloggers to figure out what total strangers did for their kids in order to decide what I want to do for mine.

I have decided that being a mom these days must be to live in a constant state of feeling inadequate or inferior to other moms. Never before in history have we had so many avenues to critique one another's choices, or so much information (and, I would argue, sometimes misinformation) at our fingertips--constantly causing us to question the choices we've made for our kids. Where the church used to be a place of support for parents, because most families did things similar ways, it has now become another place of competition among moms, competition that gets intensely personal. I've personally seen friendships disintegrate because people's parenting choices were so drastically different they no longer had anything to really talk about that didn't result in intense conversation/conflict. That makes me sad. Especially because I think we have lost sight of some of the "bigger issues."

We live in a country where some moms have the luxury to debate the pros and cons of feeding a child only organic food but many many moms (right here in our own cities!) still literally have to scrounge each day for any kind of food for their kids. We live in a world where some of us can debate whether or not preschool is helpful, or whether to send our kids to public schools vs. homeschooling them, but millions of moms have to decide which child they are going to educate because they literally can't afford to send both kids to school. We live in a world where some of us have the "luxury" to argue about the pros and cons of vaccinations while other moms watch their children die each day from preventable diseases or contaminated water--moms who would probably kill to have access to some of the vaccinations and medications we have here in our country. Moms discuss, argue, debate, and fight with one another (in person, in the blogosphere, and on talk shows) over hundreds of topics but I think we forget that around the world there are millions of moms literally fighting for the survival of their families.  I wonder what would happen if we were able to approach one another with bigger questions. Instead of "oh my gosh! You're getting an epidural??" what would happen if we said "Okay, we made different child birth choices and both had healthy babies. Now, how can we join together to help those in our community who are pregnant and haven't had access to prenatal vitamins, or proper nutrition or calcium or ultra sounds or any health care choices?" Why do we have to fight with one another instead of banding together to make sure all the kids in our neighborhoods have the privileges our own children have?  As we continue in our parenting journeys how can we use our words to encourage other moms in their choices, even when those choices are different than our own?  We have enough battles to fight, it's time we stopped fighting one another.