In Silence and Tears

I never used to really believe the old addage "when it rains it pours," I had really not found that to be true in my life--sure, I've had several weeks that just feel stressful, but a lot of those things are brought on by choices I have made--like deciding to move in the middle of finals week, or saving way too much to try and get done in a short amount of time.

This week though felt incredibly overwhelming, and everything seemed to converge in my heart and mind this morning in church, and I found that I could not get the tears to stop throughout the entire worship service, which is very much not normal for me, I think Cursillo is the only other public place I have cried like this, but I think I needed to. It's been a crappy week, there just isn't any other way to say that (ok there is, but it wouldn't be very appropriate...). Monday night/Tuesday morning one of my best friends in Seattle told me that her mom suffered a brain aneurysm and had stopped breathing before they even got her to the hospital. They were able to stabilize her, and did brain surgery Wednesday morning to stop the bleeding, and they think that was successful, but they were having trouble with her breathing, keeping her stable (she coded on Thursday morning at one point), and she now has a touch of pneumonia, which isn't helping with breathing. It's killing me that I am so far away and can't be there to go sit with her--all I can do is answer my phone late at night and pray, which feels so insignificant.

Then, Friday night I got an email from my pastor telling me that one of my favorite older men in the congregation died very suddenly and unexpectedly on Friday afternoon. He just collapsed while his wife was making their lunch and the paramedics couldn't revive him. I was devestated to read that email, I have come to love this dear, dear couple throughout this past year at Burbank--they have been two of the most welcoming people in the congregation to me--in fact just last Sunday Bill was telling me that the next time I fly out of Burbank I should just leave my car at their house and they would take me to the airport so I didn't have to worry about getting a friend to come from Pasadena to get me. They both are known as incredible servants in our church and have been members for years! They would have been celebrating their 59th wedding anniversary soon, and both seemed to be in good health, which was why this was so unexpected. I think part of what set off my tears this morning was walking into church and not seeing them sitting in their usual pew, that absolutely broke my heart. His service will be next Sunday afternoon, so I'm sure that it will be a long week of grieving for a lot of people--you could feel the grief in church this morning.

Then, this morning Ross also announced that two Fuller students, a husband and a wife, who had just graduated were driving home with their junior high youth group from camp last night (from a different Presbyterian church, not ours) when a driver swerved at them and instantly killed three of the junior high kids, the wife, and critically injured the husband. I can't even imagine the shock this congregation would have experienced showing up for worship this morning and being greeted with this news. Our hearts are breaking for those in the First Presbyterian Church of Upland family and for those from Fuller who were close to Tom and Becca.

I also just got word that my great uncle in Spokane just lost his long battle with cancer yesterday morning, and while that was expected because he had been sick for so long, it is still hard to know that his kids and grandkids are grieving right now too. I finally told someone at church this morning that I don't want to answer my phone anymore, I don't know what else is going to happen, and that's scary. I sat in church this morning crying for what seemed like hours, and realized I didn't want to be there in worship. I wanted to be with the community, but I didn't want to be there worshiping, it felt too hard. Besides, every time I tried to open my mouth to join in one of the songs, I started to cry again, so that was fairly unhelpful. So I just sat there in silence, throughout the whole service. And I realized, that sometimes, that's ok; that God speaks through silence too, and that our hearts can cry out in lament to God when our voices don't seem to have words to contribute. I was very thankful that I didn't have to be up front in any capacity today, but it also got me wondering how do you grieve as a pastor? How do you do a funeral for someone you loved too, and not necessarily remain stoic but remain in control enough to be able to officiate the service?

I was reminded though during church, of the passage in Revelation 7 that I preached on back in April. That's one of the great things about preaching on a passage of scripture--you live with it so intensely for so long that it becomes very much internalized and then when you need it, the words are right there, along with the message God brought through you. Anyways, I was reminded that one day we WILL see God wipe away every tear from our eyes, and we will join the multitude clothed in white robes, but until then, we will have to praise God through some storms--when we can't understand things, when we hurt, when our hearts are absolutely broken with grief. It just sucks sometimes. But, I am also reminded today of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, For the Moments I feel Faint by Relient K. For those who are also grieving from something going on in your life, may they bring you hope and comfort as they did to me this afternoon.

"Never underestimate my Jesus,

you're telling me that there's no hope

I am telling you you're wrong.

Never underestimate my Jesus

When the world around you crumbles

He will be strong, He will be strong."

I am sure I will have more thoughts later, I think I feel fairly empty right now though. I would say that I am going to go study Hebrew (which is really what I should be doing right now since I have 2 quizzes tomorrow afternoon in it) but I don't think I'll be able to focus very well. And I could say that I am going to go read for fun, which is always relaxing, excpet that I have read 2 books for fun this weekend and BOTH of them ended with one of the main characters dying---seriously, I threw one of them at the wall last night when I realized how it was going to end. So, I think I'm going to go lay on my couch and watch season 5 of Gilmore Girls on DVD (pathetic, I know, but it was on sale at Target last week....), and since I have seen this before I know that unless the show magically changes, no one gets sick or hurt or dies in any of the upcoming episodes.

For Good

There's an old quote that still floats around today--usually on plaques or wall hangings--that says "some people come into our lives for a moment, and others come into our lives and leave their foot prints on our hearts and we are never the same." (or something along those lines--that was a paraphrase...) I've always liked the quote, even though I will admit that it is a bit on the sappy side (ok maybe that's why I like it, I am a bit on the sappy side...). But, today, as I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on repeat (yes, I'm a bit obsessed right now), I realized that there was a song on it that I think sums up friendships, or the way I view friendships, even better than this quote. I think people do come into our lives and cause us to change, cause us to become a little more who God created us to be, and these are the people and relationships I hold most dear in my life. As I've moved from high school to college and now to grad school, and as I have intentionally invested in three different "communities" or groups of people, I have several individuals who I think God has brought into my life over the years to cause me to grow and change--I have several different groups of people that I cherish, and I am so thankful for each one of them and for the role that each has played in my life. As I heard the lyrics of this song I had this mental slideshow rolling through my mind of all the faces of people I love, and people who have loved me so faithfully even when I haven't always been very good at returning that. I thought I'd share the lyrics to this song, along with some of the photos of people who have literally left their foot prints on my heart, who have "changed me for good."

For Good"--from the Wicked soundtrack

I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led to those who help us most to grow

If we let them

And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good

It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend...



Like a ship blown from its mooring

By a wind off the sea

Like a seed dropped by a skybird

In a distant wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I've been

Changed for the better?

I do believe I have been

Changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good.

Defying Gravity

I have a confession to make. We've had plans to go to see Wicked here at the Pantages theater in Hollywood, where it is playing through 2007, for quite awhile now, and while I wanted to see it so I can say that I have seen it, I was honestly not expecting to enjoy it that much. Oh I didn't think it would be horrible or anything, I just really did not expect a whole lot. The reviews I've heard from friends who have read the book weren't stellar, I have never enjoyed the Wizard of Oz, and quite honestly, I have loved the "classic" musicals (Les Mis, Cats, The Sound of Music, Annie, The Music Man, Oliver, South Pacific, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers...) for so long that "Wicked" just looked a bit too....I don't know....modern? When I think of the 21st century, I don't necessarily think of theatrical masterpieces. Well....I was wrong. Wicked was absolutely phenomenal. From beginning to end I was spellbound. And I knew none of the music, and had no idea what the plot line was about other than that it was the "untold story of the witches of Oz." The sets themselves were unbelievable--I guess that is one thing that shows from the later years have over the "older" shows--the growing technological feats that can be pulled off on stage are awfully impressive. And, the story and music was beautiful! The main question the show asks is "are people born wicked, or do they become wicked based on life circumstances?" The seminary-nerd part of us loved the deeper undertones that run throughout this show, as it seemed to touch on calling, destiny, dreaming, good vs. evil, trust, friendship, and love. I think one of the other things I loved about this show was that the two principle characters were women--unbelievably talented women. I am really not some radical feminist, I promise! But as I look at most of the classic shows the main characters are always men, it is so rare that a cast is made of several strong leading women, and this show certainly was. The place went absolutely nuts when they came out together for the curtain call. It's here in LA through the end of December at least, they may extend it even more, so if anyone makes it this direction I'd highly recommend it! Here are a couple photos from tonight--and from the Wicked online photo gallery:

The stage before it begins with the dragon overlooking the map of Oz

The Wizard of Oz

Glinda the "good" witch

Elphaba the "wicked" witch

Yah-Sure-You-Betcha!

I can't help it, I pick up the midwestern accent so quickly--I always have--and now that I am there a couple times a year visiting my parents it sticks around for awhile! I just flew back to Pasadena last night, having spent a week in Minneapolis with my family enjoying a few days off before I start summer classes tomorrow. Sophie joined me for a few days, and then my grandparents showed up for the end of the week, so it was kind of a busy week, but it was relaxing at the same time. I have fallen in love with Minneapolis--I know I write that every time I visit there, but it is true, it is a fabulous city. On Tuesday my mom took Sophie and I around the city to see some of the highlights, and then on Wednesday we spent the morning at the Arboretum which is a beautiful set of gardens that my mom and her master gardener friends all volunteer at. Wednesday night we also got to go see The Church Basement Ladies, a hysterical musical comedy based on the book Growing Up Lutheran which was written about life in the small town Lutheran churches in Minnesota throughout the 50s primarily. Anyone who has been raised in a Lutheran church will appreciate this humorous look at our heritage--it asks the question Martin Luther loved to ask in his catechism that all of us memorized: "What does this mean??" The show covered all kinds of fabulous topics, potluck suppers, jello molds, coffee, snow, church gossip, lutefisk and lefse, and of course...those....gasp!...those Catholics! It was fabulous to spend two hours laughing and totally being able to picture the truth in all of their scenes! On Friday I also got to spend time with a good friend of mine from high school whose parents have also moved to the Twin Cities since we've graduated. And I got to read the 5th Harry Potter book (I know I am very behind), and started book 6 so I can hopefully be ready for book 7 when it comes out next month! Here are some photos from the week...

Kernie of course came too! Here he is meeting my dad.

me enjoying my mom's new landscaping--the evenings were absolutely beautiful and I loved sitting outside enjoying the QUIET (yup, no sirens, car horns etc)

The dish-crew one night--Grandma, Dad, and Papa--they look like they have done this before!

Mom bbqing one night

Dad and Papa installing one of mom's bird-feeders.Mom and Grandma had gone to some big quilt show on Thursday and when they returned they were very excited about some new make-your-own rug book they found. Apparently you can take all your fabric scraps and make a rug out of them--all you need is some type of wooden frame to braid the rug on. Which is where Dad and Papa came in--they were given the task of creating one such wooden frame. Both are very skilled at building things, however neither really like directions all that much....I think it took them a little longer building this thing than it could have...And finally Grandma went out with the instructions and helped "supervise..."

Photos from the arboretum