Week 36--A Very Merry Christmas Week!

Technically we're in week 37 now, but I didn't get a chance to write last week, so here is our week 36 in a nutshell! We got to have a late-term ultra sound at the end of week 35, and we were so thrilled to learn that our little guy looks awesome, and they estimated him to be right about 6 pounds, so now he should be close to 6 1/2 pounds if he's following the typical pattern of gaining a 1/2 pound a week for the last month. It feels like he's gaining more weight at least, mommy's back is getting more and more sore as the days go by! I've made it to the point in the pregnancy where I get to see my OB every week, which I think has been good since she is new to me, it's been giving me a chance to get to know her a bit before we call on her in the midst of labor. We "graduated" from our childbirth class this past week, with a diploma and everything :) (Now we just have to pass that very real life final exam...you know, the part where you actually have to put into practice what you learned!) I'm feeling pretty good, with the exception of my back, which is just sore all the time. I splurged on a real massage last week, which was incredible, and I've decided I'll go back next week for another one (hey it was doctor's orders, she said that was all that was really going to help my pinched nerve!)

We also had the privilege in week 36 to have Charles' sister and her 4 kids here for a few days! It was so fun to see them, to show them around LA a little--they'd never been out here. We took them to wander around Hollywood and then Charles took them to Disneyland for a full day which they loved. They came to our high school youth group's family Christmas party which was very fun, and got to see where Uncle Chuck spends a lot of his time!

My new pregnancy craving? That would be clementine cutie tangerines. I've literally eaten 3 boxes by myself in the past 3 weeks. I think I've definitely been getting enough vitamin C these days! Someone in the grocery store stopped and asked me if I had been craving them (she saw me buying a box) and I said yes, and she said that I must be having a boy because people who have boys crave citrus apparently. I don't know about that, but I do know they are delicious, and I normally don't love citrus!

And I realize this might be the most boring blog post in the history of blog posts. But I'm going to go ahead and post it and see if I have a bit more energy/inspiration tomorrow for some better writing :)

It Just Takes Some Time

I kind of thought the past was behind us. I thought I'd moved on. But the past has a sneaky way of rearing it's ugly head when we least expect it and kind of throwing us off guard. Last night as we were climbing into bed my husband commented "I'm just so happy! I have everything I ever could want. I have a job at a church that I love with people I love, a wife I am crazy about, I'm going to be a daddy soon, and we're back living in a place I love." I agreed with him, and commented that I too was extremely happy, and after the year we've just had, that's kind of a nice feeling. We fell into a cozy slumber snuggled down in our flannel sheets (me in my Snoogle nest!) And then the dreams started. I've commented before how real and exceptionally vivid my dreams have become since getting pregnant--apparently it's a very normal "side effect" because of all the crazy hormones that are running rampant in my body. Last night's was no exception. I dreamed that the week before the baby was born the staff at our new church held a series of secret meetings with committees and elders and decided they didn't like us. They voted us out and told us never to come back. What made it even more painful is two of our closest friends were part of that voting process and voted us out of the community as well. I woke with tears streaming down my face and tried to orient myself in the darkness. "It was just a dream. That didn't happen. You're okay." Except that is what happened. Six months ago, out of the blue, no warning, just because the leadership didn't like our approach to youth ministry (build relationships, not huge events, relationships last, events don't). We got no goodbyes, no closure, just a lot of pain to sort through.

And I think it's still impacting me. When we arrived in Seattle last January I threw myself into meeting people, learning names, building relationships across generations, having meals with various families from the congregation etc. Within a week of being there I was substitute teaching in the adult education classes, I was frantically studying the church directory learning names and faces as fast as I could, and doing everything I could to be 100% committed to and involved in the church community. Then we got burned. Badly. As we've entered into a new community here, I think our past has impacted how I've handled that process this time around. I think I'm scared. I know I'm a scarred animal. I know what it's like to be literally voted out of a community and relationships, and that makes one a bit wary starting over. Part of this might have a lot to do with the fact that I am really pregnant and my energy level and brain power feels like it is a fraction of what it was back in January. But I think part of it is being afraid. I want to let myself be fully happy here, fully invested and settled, yet there's always that nagging voice in the back of my head saying "be careful, churches hurt." I adore the people I've met here, and love being part of this community, but this time around I feel like I'm giving myself a bit more time to learn people's names, to dive in with both feet. I think it's just going to take some time for the healing to still happen. I think as the next few months unfold we'll find some of those scars fading and I'll be more able to fully embrace this community without fear that they are here to hurt us. I look forward to that day. I like to rush things, and I think that's one of the things I've learned this year. You can't rush healing. You can't rush the grieving process and just plow ahead with life pretending it doesn't still impact you. Because the past has a way of rearing it's ugly head in ways that catch us off guard. Sometimes I think that's God's way of helping us remember our past, the lessons we're learning and His faithfulness through those incredibly difficult times. That's one of the constant themes of this year too, God's faithfulness. Seeing where we were 12 months ago, and then 6 months ago, and then even 3 months ago and where we are now, it's incredible how He's worked. We are SO grateful to Him for bringing us to this place and thrilled to be here, and through this all God has never promised healing will be immediate, but He does promise us that He'll continue walking with us as we let ourselves take some time.

Weeks 34 & 35--Made it to the Melon Stage!

Our munchkin has hit the size of the cantaloupe and honeydew melons (no, he's not a watermelon yet, even if I feel like my belly is!). He is definitely getting bigger, it's quite impressive to me how my belly still finds ways to grow. Rumor has it though he's about reached his length, so now he's just packing on the pounds of baby fat (gaining about a 1/2 pound a week for the next 4 weeks before delivery!). His lungs are still maturing, and so is that little brain of his (so I'm definitely taking my Omega 3 supplements these days to help his brain development out!) Otherwise he's pretty much ready to come join us! He's been practicing his sucking and swallowing reflexes in there, and his grasping reflex as he hangs onto the umbilical cord and sucks on his little fingers. His movements are much more stretching movements as opposed to the fluttering, kicking movements of a few weeks ago (he's no longer turning somersaults, he's running out of room in there!) And I think his favorite past time is to see how far he can stretch his feet in to his mommy's ribs and lungs. Yup, it's a really fun game we like to play now :) Just in this past week I've had the overwhelming urge to meet this little one. I understand why people say the last month is the longest. I'm perfectly content for him to stay put for a bit since his room isn't set up and it really is best for babies to make it to 38-39 weeks, so as anxious as I am to see him and hold him I can wait for his sake. But I understand now how people say that as scary as the thought of labor is, you're just ready to get this baby out by the time labor comes around. In the past week I've gone from "being pregnant is no big deal, this has been a piece of cake" to "ok, I'm officially sore, all over, all the time. I'm tired of not being able to breathe, and sleeping is getting to be almost impossible (turning over is a major cardio work out, especially when tangled in a night gown, sheets and five pillows!)" Being on my feet for long periods of time (ok, more then 20-30 minutes) is painful, and walking has become more of a waddle as the hormones have been softening up my hip joints in preparation for delivery. Oh yeah, and knots in my back muscles are a daily occurrence. I still LOVE feeling him move around and am so grateful for the relatively easy pregnancy, so I try not to complain much, but I definitely can see how, come January, I'll be VERY ready to get this baby out! I played hookey from youth group last night out of pure exhaustion. I just mentally couldn't engage with people, even though I wanted to be there. But thankfully I slept MUCH better last night and feel somewhat more awake today!

We've been doing a LOT of getting ready for our little man in terms of learning. We're taking our child birth class, and have been to 2 of the 5 sessions so far. I'm learning how to focus and breathe (and am getting lots of time to practice as braxton hicks contractions are now a part of my day every day!), and Charles is learning how to time contractions, when it's time to head to the hospital, how to put pressure on various parts of my back to alleviate pain, and what to expect at the various stages of labor. I am SO grateful to be going through this with him, and even if the instructor isn't the best I think it's been helpful for both of us to at least be exposed to some of the events and vocabulary surrounding labor and delivery. Saturday morning we had a 3 hour class teaching us the basics of infant care. We learned all about swaddling, diapering, dressing, bathing, car seat safety, feeding, and sleeping safety. It was a good basic overview, a lot of the info I already knew from my years as a nanny of infants and from caring for nieces, but it was still helpful to be refreshed on some things, and to let Charles and I practice together. Tonight is our infant CPR and Safety class which is the one our doctor says is the most important to her that we take. She said she doesn't care if we ignore all the other classes, but she hates sending newborns home with parents who she knows aren't CPR certified. So that's what we're doing tonight! Our last class, a breastfeeding class, isn't until January 9th, so if this little one is early by a week then we'll be missing that one!

I think one of the reasons I've had such a tough time sleeping lately is because I think my mind has been a little stressed with a lot of things I need to remember to do. Except then when it's day time I'm too tired or unmotivated to do them. Which doesn't help the next night's sleep. We are super excited to have Charles' sister and kids coming this weekend to celebrate early Christmas with us, but that means Christmas is a week early (and we need to mail gifts to the east coast for other family--so time to get those purchased, wrapped and mailed!). (although now I'm down to presents for 2 people, so really Christmas shopping is all but done). I realized we haven't done some essential moving things like DMV stuff, renter's insurance etc and those things were mentally piling up. Then of course there's the baby room which isn't close to being ready. And silly things that were stressing me out, like cleaning out the car that is full of sand (or taking it to get cleaned!) and learning how to work our car seat and getting that installed and checked by the highway patrol office before baby comes. So last night I sat down and made a list of everything that needs to get done this week. I decided all baby related stuff can happen next week after company leaves :) I scheduled out my week, including times to rest/nap, prep meals, Christmas shop, and take care of paperwork around the house. I'm happy to report that it's 1 on Monday and I've had a crazy productive morning, getting everything done I wanted to by lunch time. It's amazing how much less stress I feel having things written down and planned out. So here's to a productive week!

People ask me if I'm getting worried about giving birth or getting nervous about baby arriving, and I think I was until I started taking these childbirth classes and reading more. I think I'll be okay, gaining information feels empowering, both my doctor and my husband are 100% on board with my plans to have some help with pain management, and I know Chuck will do a great job encouraging me and supporting me through it. What I do feel stressed about is the fact that we have no idea when he'll show up, when I'll go into labor, how long it will last, if my parents will be in town yet or if we'll be alone etc. So I was feeling stressed about all these things I can't control. Then I realized there are a lot of things i CAN do to prepare, and I'll just do my best with those things. We'll make sure the car seat is installed and double checked by the police department, we'll work on getting a crib next week, we'll pack the hospital bag around New Year's and make my playlist for my ipod of music that is super peaceful to me. For some reason I dreamed the other night that I was SUPER anxious about not finding the right going home outfit for Aidan in the pile of baby clothes I have, so I can choose that and put that aside and in some strange way that makes me feel less stressed. (Thank you Aunt Carolyn for the huge box of ridiculously adorable baby boy clothes...pretty sure his going home outfit is coming from you!! It is going to be impossible to pick which one though because they are all amazing!!) I think doing these little things are making me feel more prepared and helping me be more at ease.

I've rambled at you all enough! You're probably sick of pregnancy related posts, someday I'll have something theological and meaningful to reflect on again, but for right now, this is kind of the brain power I have at the moment! Have a great week everyone!

Things No One Tells You About Pregnancy

When my sister was at the exact same spot in her first pregnancy, she wrote a blog post called Things I Wish I'd Known Prior to Pregnancy. It cracked me up, because I had literally never thought about some of the things she mentioned. I vaguely remembered her writing this, so today I went back through her blog and found it and re-read it, and resonated with just about everything she said. I think she left a few things off though :) So here's my list, some taken from her, and some I have come up with on my own. For your reading enjoyment, here are things I never anticipated/expected when I saw that plus sign on a stick 30-some weeks ago.

1. I had no idea how many pillows it takes at night to get comfortable enough to sleep. Who knew that if you don't keep a pillow between your legs, one under your growing belly, one under your arms, and one under your head you will wake up with a major back ache?? When I was registering at Babies R Us I saw these fancy pillows called Snoogles, which looked a little ridiculous and cost over $60, which is way more than I have ever paid for any type of pillow. There was NO way I was going to buy a snoogle, how useful could a Snoogle be? Yeah, I went and bought a Snoogle this weekend. And I haven't slept this well in weeks. It's amazing. It supports everything that needs to be supported perfectly. I think my husband kind of wants one now....and yes, when I crawl into my snoogle nest every night I look as happy and silly as this lady here in the photo, because it really is that amazing.

2. I'm pretty aware of the pregnancy dos and don'ts, and I've followed them really well these past 8 months. I've taken prenatal vitamins every day, drank a gallon of milk a week, eaten more protein than I normally enjoy, learned to eat cottage cheese for calcium and protein because I hate yogurt, only eaten lunch meat that's been thoroughly heated to kill any bacteria, avoided anything unpasteurized (no raw cookie dough, caesar salad dressing in case of any raw eggs etc), and of course alcohol and caffeine have gone away. What I didn't know is that every time I talked to a different friend I learned of something else I was supposed to be avoiding because they read somewhere on line that it could potentially be harmful. I've decided that just because the internet says it, it might not be true.

3. You will undoubtedly pee in your pants a little at some point in your pregnancy when you sneeze, laugh, or cough too hard. It will happen, I promise. Probably more than once.

4. As soon as people find out you are pregnant, they will start offering advice. Some are super gentle and tactful, others (especially strangers) are fairly blunt in offering their opinion of what you should be experiencing, or how you should do such-and-such with your child. It's one thing if I specifically ask someone for advice (which I have several times, there are people whose opinions I really want--mostly because I admire their kids and family so much I want to know what they did to achieve that. So occasionally I'll ask them "so what advice do you have for a first time mom/birth/pregnancy etc?") but in general advice is often unsolicited, and usually from strangers (in my case, usually on airplanes). My favorite is when someone offers advice that is useless to me now (ie: telling me how to bathe my newborn to make sure he likes the water when I'm a grand total of 4 months pregnant, or when a MAN tells me that labor really isn't that bad). I'm still working on a good response for when unsolicited advice is offered :)

5. Insomnia. I really thought when people talked about having trouble sleeping in pregnancy it was because of discomfort. I had no idea there would be multiple nights a week when I'd wake up and my mind would be going a million miles a minute as if I'd just drank espresso. It's quite unfortunate how much sleep you loose before even having the baby. The CRAZY dreams are NOT helpful either, it's really amazing how much my dreams changed almost immediately (looking back before I even knew I was pregnant I was having really intense dreams, so that was one of my first "symptoms").

6. I have gone through gallons of lotion. I drink a TON of water and my skin is still beyond dry (could be the weather here too, but I've NEVER had this crazy dry skin). So pick a favorite brand, go to Costco, and buy a giant bottle for every room in the house. At least I had to!

7. Tying my shoes feels like a major work out these days. Really, you try it. Go get a basketball, tie it to your stomach and then try and reach your feet :)

8. I have never ever gotten tired of feeling this baby move inside me. His kicks are getting more painful, and I'll be ready to get him out of here soon, but I had NO idea what an incredible feeling it would be to feel a little person stretch and squirm inside me. And when it's late at night and he's moving and I can't sleep, if I put my tummy up against my husband's back, he can feel the kicks too. Just sharing the late night fun.

9. One of life's most basic skills (breathing) becomes incredibly difficult. I'll be doing nothing but sitting on the couch and depending on what position the baby is in I cannot for the life of me catch a full breath. It's kind of a crazy feeling, one I'm not a huge fan of.

10. Today I discovered two more tasks that are really difficult with a belly in the way. Shaving and peeing in a cup. Both should be done with a clear line of vision, which I no longer have.

11. I have never tried Tums. Until September. Now Tums and I are good friends.

12. People talked about "pregnancy brain" and I kind of thought they were a little crazy. They must just not be very organized or detail-oriented people to begin with. I on the other hand was NEVER going to have a problem with forgetfulness. I was never going to lock my keys in my apartment. I would never go to a grocery store and forget why I was there. I love words, I'd never forget words in the middle of a sentence. Yeah....I am a full sufferer of pregnancy brain. It's the strangest, most frustrating thing for me. I've now done all the above. And more. I will say packing boxes and then trying to remember where certain things were packed when we moved was a lot easier last year when we moved and I wasn't pregnant. I take back all the times I thought people who talked about pregnancy brain were making it up!

Week 33--a 7 Quick Takes Edition

It's nearing the end of another week around here (and it's December! Yikes!) and I thought I'd take a few minutes in the quiet of this Friday morning to post a 7 Quick Takes-style update for ya.

**1**
Our munchkin is now about the size of a honeydew melon and is weighing in at about 4 pounds (the weight of a pineapple apparently). I'll be interested to see what he actually weighs when he's born and how accurate these baby sites are at predicting average weight! We definitely have a mover on our hands, he passes his kick count tests in a grand total of 5 minutes (you are supposed to give them an hour to see if they move 10 times within the hour. Aidan moves 10 times in 5 minutes. Usually more). I'm already making plans to enlist his cousin Lily to go be his running buddy to work off energy! Man they'll be a handful when they are together! I had a lady in Trader Joes yesterday stop me and ask when I was due, and when I said "next month, in mid January" she went a little nuts exclaiming that I was too tiny, I looked too good, and this must be my first because I am "the most adorable pregnant person ever!" in her mind. I don't know her name, but she might be my new favorite person on the planet. God bless the Trader Joes' shopper for making me feel like something other than a giant waddling mess!

**2**
My husband and I went to our first chidbirth class last night at the hospital (not the one we'll be delivering at, since I didn't know where we'd be delivering when I had to register for classes, but it's at least within the same "family" of hospitals). It'll be interesting to see what we learn in this class. I will say the instructor didn't present things in the most logical order last night, which I think led to some confused looks on people's faces. She did however load up a back pack with about 25 pounds of aquarium rocks to represent the different areas of weight gain women experience in pregnancy and made each of the dads try it on over their bellys. Then try to sit down, stand up and pick up a pen from the floor. That might have been worth the whole class :) By the end of the class one of the dudes said "wow, class was like working overtime, something I never want to do but am always glad I did!" We'll see how next week goes.

**3**
I debated a lot on even saying this publicly, because I know I am in a minority on this opinion, and I'm probably going to make some people mad, but I'm just going to come out and say it. I really didn't like Ina Mae Gaskin's book Guide to Childbirth. There. I said it. Wow that feels good to get off my chest. I realize it is the "go-to" book people recommend to pregnant women, and I realize it's been life changing, transformational, and has completely changed people's birth plans and expectations. And that's great for those of you who have loved this book and had such a positive experience with it. But it didn't do those things for me. It kind of had the opposite effect. I'm not saying I didn't come away from it with a few good nuggets of information, she has some wise things to say. But I will say that I found myself highly irritated throughout most of the book and here's why. The first half of the book are various women's stories of childbirth. They were interesting and engaging and this is where I gleaned some good helpful tips about childbirth being a very holistic process, about relaxation, about empowerment. The second half is more "didactic" where she covers different topics (pain management, relaxation, and I can't even remember what else). I realize she is a HUGE advocate for home births, no pain medication, little medical intervention etc. That's fine, those are fair perspectives to hold and thousands of women hold the same perspectives as she does. I'm not saying that's wrong, or if that's your choice then it's a bad one. But what I hated was that I felt like she was demonizing the medical community, hospital births, and any woman who does choose to enlist the help of pain killers, epidurals, or the like. The subliminal message I came away from this book with was "if you choose these things, you WILL have a horrible birth experience, your doctor will be an egotistical jerk who will never do anything in the best interest of you or your child, and you are a terrible mother putting yourself and your baby at risk if you ask for an epidural. You are somehow less of a woman because your body was made to do this naturally and if you can't, you're weak." No, she never comes right out and says those things, but that's the underlying message I heard throughout this entire book. My sister read this book after her first was born, but before her second. I asked her what she thought of it and she said "well, she is pretty full of herself isn't she? It's like the only appropriate place on the planet to give birth is the birthing center on her farm and if you choose a hospital you're an idiot who is guaranteed to end up with a c-section and a baby in the NICU." That's exactly how I felt. I realize some have had negative experiences with doctors or hospitals, and that's fair. I've had some myself. But to paint the entire medical community with broad brush strokes of being uncaring, institutionalized, egotistical individuals who just want to get you in and out of delivery as fast as possible is unfair, untrue, and really really offensive to me. My time of working in a hospital as a chaplain, working closely alongside doctors and nurses showed me just how deeply they do care, and work tirelessly to bring healing, relief, and comfort to patients. I have countless friends and family members who are doctors and nurses (including several labor and delivery nurses, a NICU specialist, and pediatric intensive care resident) who love their patients deeply and care immensely for their well being and the well being of their children. I found Ina Mae's tone and approach to speaking about doctors to be very disrespectful. She's absolutely right to voice her opinion, but it's not an opinion I can even come close to jumping on board with. I hesitated even saying anything on here about this book, because I know how beloved it is by many many people, but I just feel like the "other voice" in this dialogue, the voice that supports the medical community, isn't heard as much these days. So there you have it, my book review for the week--good tips, some helpful nuggets, but overall won't be drastically changing my life. And who knows, after this baby is born I may have a different perspective, and if so, I'll admit that on here.

**4**
On to something more fun :) I LOVE our new apartment and our new location. Love it. It's cozy, homey, in a fantastic location (I can walk to just about anything in 5-10 minutes), and is so close to the church my husband and great friend Jenn even walked over and came for lunch the other day. It'll be fantastic when Aidan is born, I can walk over and have lunch at the church with him to get out of the house, or Charles can come home a day or two a week to have lunch with us, or on a Sunday morning if he has to be at church for multiple hours and the baby needs to come home, I can easily walk him home to put him down for a nap without waiting around (since we only have the 1 car). My goal for today is to start figuring out where pictures are to be hung so we can finally get the last of the boxes unpacked from the nursery, that way next week I can start putting his room together, and figuring out what we need for him (like a crib...and putting together our changing table area etc).

**5**
Charles and I were talking last night about how incredibly different life feels here than it did for us in Seattle. Words cannot even begin to express how much lower our stress levels are, how much more peaceful our home feels, how enjoyable our evenings are (because we're not angry and stressed and processing how to deal with a very unhealthy leadership structure at a church all the time). Our schedule has filled up a little faster than I might have liked (mostly because it's December and there are all kinds of extra events) but even in the midst of that I don't feel angry and stressed about it, things feel enjoyable again. He walks out the door to walk to work in the morning with a smile on his face. I realized I am not an anxious and stressed basket case all day worrying about him and for him. I can be home making dinner and setting up our home without feeling so guilty and stressed that I'm not at the church helping him. Which makes me so much more relaxed and ready to engage with him when he comes home. We have energy to talk about other things besides the church. What a huge difference the right leadership structure and senior pastor can make for the lives of their employees! We are abundantly grateful to be here, and hope we get to be here long term.

**6**
For those who have been hearing the weather reports, we haven't completely blown away here, but it has definitely been windy! Nowhere near what poor Pasadena has encountered though! These are some photos of Fuller's campus posted yesterday on Facebook:

**7**
It's been so blustery around here that all I want to do is hide out and bake warm yummy things to counteract the wind outside. Yesterday I put a batch of chili in the Crock Pot (President Obama's family recipe actually, and it was SO good) and smelled the yumminess of garlic, onion, and spices all day, and then I baked up a batch of cheesy corn muffins from my Cooking Light cookbook which were incredible. They had garlic and chopped green onion in them, and apparently can be frozen. I think before this baby comes I'm going to make a big batch for the freezer because they will be an incredible side dish to any pot of winter stew, soup, chili, or pasta that my mom or I make while they're here. (And I'm all for freezer meals, things I can pull out and have ready to go!) This next week I'm breaking out our favorite comfort foods we haven't made in a couple months as we've been living with other people and traveling. On the list, pasta with pesto and shrimp, thai lettuce wraps, and a crock pot beef stew that will be warm and cozy if this wind continues!

Happy weekend everyone!

Weeks 29, 30, 31 & 32...Baby Showers and Uhauls and Boxes Oh My!

Phew! We are done with travel until after this munchkin is born, thankfully! These past couple weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind, full of seeing people I love so so much, but when I got off the plane yesterday here in Burbank my first thought was "no more. I'm done. I just want to stay in one place for at least a full month!" Here's a bit of what myself and our little guy have been up to these past few weeks that I've been ignoring the blog :)

In week 29 our little dude was weighing in at about 2 1/2 pounds (the weight of a butternut squash...perfect for fall...hmm, that sounds good even now...) His little skeleton is growing stronger as his bones are hardening even more and his lungs and muscles are continuing to mature getting ready for life in the real world. Week 29 kicked off with a Halloween party/welcome party that the youth group threw for us, which was a very fun way to start meeting high school students and leaders. Our little guy's first Halloween costume? A jack o lantern (hey I had to take advantage of the belly somehow!)

Also in week 29 I headed east to meet our newest little niece, Brooke, who of course managed to capture my heart in the first few minutes I held her! I had a great long weekend playing with Lily, hanging out with my sister and brother in law, and snuggling baby Brooke as much as I could! I'm not sure when I'm going to get to see them again, baby Brooke might not be as tiny of a baby by then!

Week 30 found our little one the weight of a head of cabbage--about 3 pounds and counting! (I'll be curious to find out how big he actually ends up being!) We mostly hung around Northridge this week, I was able to get our apartment paperwork finalized and we secured a move in date for the week of Thanksgiving. I spent the week arguing with the insurance company on the phone about my eligibility for coverage (they finally got everything straightened out but it took several days and more than one episode of hanging up the phone in tears to do so).

Sunday night of week 31 (the 13th) we flew up to Seattle to get things ready for the rest of our move (taking full advantage of Southwest's preboarding policy for pregnant people!) On Monday Charles and two guys we hired through Uhaul loaded everything we owned into a truck and then he and a friend of ours from Fuller drove the truck all the way down to LA pretty much in one long day (arriving about 3 AM). I stayed up in Seattle for the week with a good friend, and even got to take the train down to Portland to visit one of my best friends there for 2 nights. Saturday of that week my friends in Seattle threw me a baby shower which was fantastic, I am so so grateful to them! It made this whole baby thing feel even more real and immanent--knowing he's going to be using these fun things in not too long! Here are some fun photos from the party :)

The beautiful spread Missy & Heather created for us! Missy made the diaper cake (and then gave me all the newborn diapers--score!) and the delicious (pasteurized!) cheeses (the world's best is Trader Joe's Gouda/Goat Cheese combo. Seriously you have to try this someday), cupcakes and fruit made for a wonderful afternoon snack!Jen, Anu and Karen try to guess whose baby photo they are holding (they were all asked to bring one to the party--it was a lot harder than we expected!)Lynn & Darbee playing the baby photo game

Missy doesn't look like she minds holding Levi for awhile (Karen's super sweet little one!)

Aidan got some super cute outfits as well as several very generous gifts from our registry (that were mostly shipped here to LA which was very thoughtful of them!) This one was picked out just for Charles, it's a baby rash guard that says "I'd Rather Be Surfing" on it :)His first tuxedo :)

Everyone got to put in their prediction as to when he'd be born (date, time and weight), so if you'd like to join in the guessing feel free! I think the official Kennedy household guess is January 18th. (Our due date is the 15th, but the 18th was the first day of work at West Side for Charles, and I just feel like in God's great sense of humor our little man will arrive to book end the year for us--the biggest gift in the midst of the hardest year).

I flew back on Sunday morning, the beginning of week 32 for our little guy and finally on Monday I got to see my new OB. I didn't get a choice, I was just assigned someone through our insurance company, so I was a bit nervous about how I was going to like her, but I was extremely relieved that I did like her and her office staff. I think she's going to be really good, and is going to stay right on top of the rest of my prenatal care. I at least know what hospital I'll be delivering at, who to call in an emergency, and what doctor to expect to see! Knowing those things lowered my stress level immensely! It's been amusing to me how "textbook" my pregnancy has been. Every day I get an email from What to Expect When You're Expecting about what might occur that week, or what you might be experiencing. Almost all of it has been dead on. Heartburn? Check. Dry itchy skin? Check. Achy back? Yup (although moving could have something to do with that!). A little insomnia here and there? Unfortunately, but thankfully not much! Short of breath now that baby is pushing on my lungs? Definitely. None of this stuff is anything to really complain about, I am still super grateful for how easily things have gone, I just find it funny how I'll experience something and think "is this normal?" and literally have an email about it the next day. The only thing I've had to really say goodbye to this trimester has been caffeine. My heart couldn't handle even the small amount I was drinking each morning, so I cut that out based on "Nurse Dad's" recommendation and have noticed a huge improvement. Apparently caffeine, plus a history of heart issues, plus extra blood flowing through my body was a bit too much! I am not sure I even really miss it, and it's definitely worth it to feel a normal pulse again!

Tuesday of this week was finally moving day!! We had hired another couple guys through Uhaul (BEST money ever spent by the way!) to unload our truck into our apartment and then I've spent the rest of the week unpacking and organizing. My dad kept telling me "don't over do it, don't over do it!" and well, I think on Tuesday I overdid it a bit. I was so sore and exhausted by the end of the day I literally couldn't move, even to roll over in bed. So Wednesday I was a bit more careful and have been fine the rest of this week. We spent a lovely Thanksgiving meal with the family we've been with the past 3 years now--a family from the church we used to be at, and we are so grateful for their hospitality!

We got all signed up for our childbirth classes (every Thursday for the next 5 weeks), a basic infant care class, a breastfeeding class, and our doctor wants us to make sure to take an infant CPR class before he's born, so we'll be busy learning in the month of December! Charles had breakfast with a good friend of ours who just had their first baby a couple months ago, and he recommended a book to us that sounds great. Charles was excited to order it and tell me all about it, so we're looking forward to scanning that together too. Lots to learn, but we realize that most of our training will be on the job come January! (Still it's good to know a few things ahead of time!)

That's about it for now! Sunday begins week 33, which seems very crazy to me! We are looking forward to our first week in our new place, finishing the unpacking and getting settled into what will be our "normal" life here in Northridge. We are so grateful to be here and be settling in, and we look forward to what this last month of childlessness holds for us!

Thanksgiving from A-Z 2011

My favorite challenge of the year--I can't believe this is my 6th year doing this, gosh time flies! Every year I try and come up with something I am thankful for that begins with each letter of the alphabet. Sometimes this is easier than others! So without further ado here is this year's list, things I'm thankful for from A-Z. This could be a great family activity--let me know what you all come up with if you try it too!

A: Ancient Words
Every Sunday night at St. Mark's Cathedral in Seattle a group of men from the church choir chant the 30 minute compline service (the prayer service to mark the end of the day). This is a giant cathedral and every week it is packed full of people, mostly between ages 18 and 30, sitting in silence listening to the ancient words of scripture, the Lords Prayer, the Apostles Creed and ancient hymns be chanted over them. Some lay on the cathedral floors, some bring pillows and sleeping bags and lay there resting in the words they hear. Some bring sketch pads and draw as they hear the words sung. We attended several times throughout the year and were always so blessed by this time of silence, getting lost in the ancient words that have sustained the faith of so many for years before us.

B: Brooke Elizabeth
My dear sister brought a new little niece into our lives this year! Brooke Elizabeth arrived October 13 and I had the opportunity to fly out to Rhode Island in early November to meet her--Aunt Sarah is already in love with this little snuggle-bug and wishes she were closer! Watching big sister Lily (now 2) get to know her baby sister is also something I am so grateful for--she is very sweet with "baby Brooke" and melted my heart more than once giving her sister good night kisses!
C: Covenant
In July we were so grateful for the opportunity to join family for the baptism of our sweet niece, Elizabeth Jane in Danville, Kentucky. Jane was adopted into the covenant family of God, and if you know me, you know there is no holy moment I love more than seeing a child marked with the sign of the covenant upon her forehead.
D: Doors
Doors opening. Doors closing. Doors opening again. It's been a strange year, and a really hard year in so many ways--full of uncertainty. But one of our constant prayers has been "God will you please shut the doors that need to be closed." And he did. Jobs we thought we wanted didn't work out, someone else was hired. Jobs we didn't even dream about fell in our laps and doors flew wide open to allow us to move forward--housing was provided, our house sold, health insurance worked out, friends were already part of our new community--it was amazing to watch God work through the opening and closing of doors.

E: Extreme Weight Loss

This sounds strange, I know, but I needed an E and this works :) This past year my husband and I haven't had a ton of free time, but one of the things we found we really enjoyed doing together is watching The Biggest Loser. I don't know why this became "our" show, but it really is one of the only shows we consistently watched together every week. (The Voice was our other show back in the spring!) I am grateful for the inspiring people who are willing to share their struggles and stories on national TV, I'm grateful for what I've learned from the trainers about nutrition and exercise, and I'm grateful for the time every week to sit down and share something fun with my husband.

F: First Presbyterian Church Granada Hills
We are beyond grateful for this new community God has provided for us! This church really is incredible, in so many ways. We are grateful for the senior pastor and his wife--their hospitality towards us and the way they view ministry, family and life. We are grateful that the youth program isn't so overrun with giant events that there is ample time to do things like go to student's games and plays or have coffee with volunteers. We are grateful for Sunday worship--the joyous music that has energy and passion infused in it and the sermons that are relevant and challenging. God has blessed us big time by bringing us to this place.

G: The Good and Beautiful God
In the spring I had the opportunity to lead a 12 week class at our church on this book that I've come to love a lot over the past two years. I loved the opportunity to get to teach a series this long, to be in a weekly relationship with a group of wonderful folks who joined me in reading this book. And I am so grateful for all that I learned about God, and about teaching through this experience.
H: Hospitality
We spent a lot of time on people's couches, air mattresses and guest beds this year! We are especially grateful for the hospitality of our dear friends Ryan, Alethia, Josh and Jenn who hosted us over night (more than once!) We are also so grateful for the family from our new church who took us in for a full month as we apartment hunted and then waited for it to be ready for us to move in. Countless other friends have hosted us for meals over the year, and we have loved our times of fellowship around tables laden with beautiful food. God has blessed us tremendously through the hospitality of friends, both new and old!
I: Interim Pastors

I have been SO blessed this year to get to know two absolutely phenomenal individuals who changed me in many ways.
Bryan Burton is the interim pastor at West Side and professor at Fuller Northwest and he and his wife Caroline were God's saving grace to us numerous times. We'd been there about 6 weeks when they had us over to their home and when we walked in they said "you're safe here, you don't have to filter your thoughts or worry about what we think or might repeat to others. This can be your safe space, we'll be your listening ears." That gift is one we took advantage of many times, and loved getting to know him and letting his thoughts and theology shape us. He is passionate about engaging culture, not running from it, and he calls things like he sees them. Bryan's love, encouragement, and solidarity during our time at West Side is one of the main reasons we made it as long as we did there! We are SO grateful for him!

Heidi Husted-Armstrong is the interim senior pastor at Bethany Presbyterian Church here in Seattle, my "home" church. Heidi began her time at Bethany in January, and when things fell apart at West Side we were so grateful to have a home church to retreat to for worship and the beginning of our healing process. I have to be honest, I don't know too many people who can preach better than Heidi. She is phenomenal, she has a gift that is indescribable. I'd been told by a Fuller professor that if I ever get the chance to attend a church where she's preaching, I should, just to learn from her. I had no idea I'd get the chance to worship at Bethany for several months this summer, and I am SO grateful I did. The sermon she preached on Sept. 11 is still with me, I still think about it two months later. If you have a free half hour, go to this page, and scroll down to the sermon from September 11 called Another Perspective. Listen to it, I promise, you'll be blessed. The other incredible gift Heidi has is pastoral care. Our second week at Bethany after leaving West Side she came up to me, put her arm around me, and just said "I understand God is in the process of re-writing your story, and that it's pretty painful right now. I'm so sorry." Those words have stuck with me for 5 months now. God has rewritten our story, and it has been painful, but meeting with her, hearing her faithfully share scripture each week, and being encouraged by the Bethany community have been such gifts from God this year.

J: Java
One of the best things about being back in Seattle is the plethora of independent coffee shops that exist all over the city. I loved discovering new shops around the West Seattle area, and loved having places to retreat to when life got hectic. Something about being in a quiet coffee shop, the smell of coffee beans, and a perfectly steamed latte with the right amount of foam makes me super happy (and no, Starbucks doesn't usually work for me, too commercialized and usually noisy with blenders going!). So this past year I have been thankful for time spent in local java shops!

K: Kicks and Wiggles!
As tired and sore as I am right now (moving in the midst of pregnancy is a LOT of physical activity to do when hauling around a bunch of extra pounds!) I have really loved being pregnant. I haven't been sick--just tired, which is normal, and I've been fascinated by watching my body grow and change as this little one grows. My favorite thing ever is feeling him stretch, wiggle, kick, and flip in there. I think it is amazing seeing my entire belly move (strange, yes, but amazing!) knowing there's a little person in there who is getting ready to come meet us. Yes, I am grateful for baby kicks and wiggles!

L: Lessons Learned
I kind of feel like my brain is on overload this year! It was a year of learning a LOT--both about ministry and how we've been taught to approach that versus how other churches approach that, but also about life. This year we bought a house, something I'd never done before, and a process that freaked me out at first. But we did it, and I learned a lot about what a mortgage is, how loans work, why down payment sizes matter, and how to get things notarized. Then we moved & I learned all about different moving options (Pods, trucks, rentals, trailers) and how much each costs and how to coordinate all of those things. Then I got pregnant and started learning all about fetal development, nutrition, and pregnancy. Then of course we lost the job and put the house on the market, something else I'd never done before! I learned a lot through that process too, and now we're enrolled in childbirth, infant care and breastfeeding classes throughout the month of December...more learning! It's been overwhelming at times, but I am grateful for having had all these "grown up" experiences that have taught me a LOT!

M: Missy & Mumford
I have 2 "m's" this year :) I have incredible friends. That is one of the constant themes throughout my life, and I am SO grateful for so many of them. This year, my dear friend Missy has been one of God's lifelines to both Charles and I in so many ways. She has hosted us for several meals, but has been a constant listening ear and encouragement. Because she's my one friend who goes to Bethany, she was a huge part in helping both of us ease back into life at a church--inviting and encouraging my husband to go volunteer with her local mission trip team, and reminding me that not all church life has to be draining. I will miss all my Seattle friends so much, but leaving Missy is like leaving a really big piece of my heart behind. I am so grateful to have been able to live another year of life in close proximity to her. (And I love this photo of her my husband snapped at a friend's wedding...gorgeous!)

It's not too often that an entire album a band puts out speaks to me and sticks with me as a favorite for months at a time. Mumford and Sons, although they have been around for awhile, were not discovered by us until early this year. And we were hooked. There is something so soulful and spiritual and raw and real about their album that it speaks to me every time. One of their songs was even used as a worship song on our Houseboat trip this summer (they are not an official "Christian" band, so don't buy this album if looking for something like David Crowder), but they are a group who sings honestly about life, and very spiritual themes. (I will warn you, their song Little Lion Man is not appropriate for children--they cry out with a rawness that many find shocking and off-putting. In the midst of our year this year we found it refreshingly honest and real).
N: Naps
You probably know that exhaustion is one of the main side effects of pregnancy, especially in the first trimester, and I'm beginning to realize later in the 3rd trimester too. I've had mono before, and let me just say it's kind of like that. Sheer exhaustion, even when you sleep for a full night. I took a ridiculous number of naps this year, and I am SO grateful for the time I had to be able to do that! It was great when my energy came back in my second trimester, and I'm finding now that I'm enjoying naps more and more again as I get a little bigger and it takes a bit more energy to do normal things. Something tells me that when this baby is born I will still be thankful for naps!

O: Ordinary RadicalsCharles and I discovered this book this summer, and started using it more faithfully in September when we were back from our August travels. He picked it up as part of the Borders closing sale and thought it would be a fun resource for ministry, for when we have to plan worship services. We didn't realize it would be our saving grace! This book is a guide to daily prayer--a short "liturgy" written for every day of the year, meant to be done in families, communities, or as individuals. We started using this together as a way to start our morning, and for the first time in our marriage we have been consistently praying together, reading scripture together, and being silent together. For some reason, this book works when no other form of devotions done together worked for us (normally we approach quiet times pretty differently). It also has evening prayer outlines that focus on confession, and we're not quite as consistent with those (usually because by bedtime this pregnant mama is beyond exhausted!). We'd highly highly recommend this book to couples, families and individuals--we are so grateful for discovering this book!

P: Prayer WarriorsEveryone should be so lucky as to have kids as amazing as these guys are! One of the things that my sister in law has faithfully done with her kids is pray with them each day, I think in the mornings before they head out the door to school, and she has taught them to pray as well. Our three older nieces and nephew have taught me a lot about persistent and faithful prayer this year. They have prayed for us through every major up and down in our year, and I am absolutely convinced God has heard their requests on our behalf! They've prayed for our job hunt, our moving logistics, a new doctor for me, the right apartment, and for their baby cousin to keep growing strong. Last year when we were visiting in Japan, we visited a Buddhist temple. My 9 year old niece asked her mom if she could pray silently right there and ask God to show the people worshiping there that He was the real God, that they would know who God really is, and that God is not a statue. That kind of intense childlike faith is something I hope she never looses. I am SO grateful for what I've learned being blessed by these prayer warriors this year!

Q: Quiet

One of the best parts for me about our house in Seattle is that it backed up to a creek and a green space and was set back off the road. After living in a noisy apartment complex for so long at Fuller, moving into a house where it was so quiet was such a gift. I had no idea it was possible to fall asleep without sirens as one's background music! That is one thing I will miss living in another apartment complex again...the silence that we so often don't get in our society.

R: Restoration
The week my husband lost his job found us in a bit of a state of shock and numbness. That first Sunday we woke up knowing we were not going back to worship at West Side, so we headed over to Queen Anne to worship at Bethany Pres, the church I call home in Seattle. Words cannot describe what worshiping at Bethany throughout the summer did for my soul. It felt like I was coming home. The people I still knew there welcomed us with open arms. There was no pressure to "do" anything, we were just allowed to come and be. The music, the spontaneous corporate prayer, the silence that fills Bethany's worship services, the down to earth nature of the congregation who shows up in jeans, coffee in hand to worship--all these things were SO restorative to my tired, weary, and disillusioned spirit. I didn't have to put on a smile and pretend to be okay. God used Bethany in so many ways to restore my faith in the church and to renew my desire to be involved in His body.

S: Soup Dates!
Ok this one should technically be my "p" but I already had a pretty good "P" :) One of the things we discovered this year in Seattle is Pho (pronounced pha for those not familiar with this deliciousness). Pho is a Vietnamese soup that we are in love with. Beef broth with thinly sliced meat of your choice (I always choose chicken but there are lots of options), ramen-like noodles, green onions, white onions, bean sprouts, and herbs (I think cilantro and something else?) make up one of our new favorite comfort foods. We had a Pho place a block from our Seattle house and since it's so cheap we often walked down the street for lunch or dinner. I am grateful for Pho!
T: Thirty
In September I turned 30, and heading into my birthday weekend I had no expectation really for any big celebration but my husband and friends went above and beyond! I am grateful for all they did to make me feel loved and special--from breakfast in bed, to a pizza date for dinner, to dinner at the Space Needle, and a big surprise party. It was an amazing weekend!

U: Useless Bay Weekend
One of my favorite places on the planet is Useless Bay on Whidbey Island. It's a very special spot for my family, and I never tire of going there. One of the traditions my friends in Seattle have is going away for a "Girls Weekend" once a year, and this year we were given a place on Useless Bay to enjoy, which was incredible! We cooked for one another, sat in the sun, took walks on the beach, snacked a lot, read, and just enjoyed one anothers company. This was a weekend that was so good for my soul!
V: Victorious

One of the constant themes that I've encountered several times this past year is the idea that no matter how painful life is, Christ is victorious over all the pain, sin and death in this world. That's where our hope lies, in Christ's victory, not in our ability to "rise above" things on our own. I am grateful for this repeated message that has appeared in many sermons I've listened to in the past 11 months.

W: Words of Wisdom
When life feels a bit out of control, I know I start to doubt my own intuition and my own voice. It's as if I assume every decision I make will be wrong because of one other wrong decision made. I think this is probably a pretty human thing. One of the things I have appreciated so much this year are the couple people who have spoken such wise words to us. Primarily, I am so so grateful for the hours my poor parents have spent on the phone with us talking through all kinds of things. They have been the recipient of several tearful phone calls from me this year as it seemed like everything was unraveling around me. Every time we've talked both my husband and I have hung up feeling a bit more confident, able to think a bit clearer than when we were stuck in the spirals of our own thoughts. I especially am grateful for an email my dad sent us when we were discerning about moving back to LA. We knew it would be expensive to live here, but his email reminded us that ministry was a calling first, and that if the church & pastor and vision for ministry was the right fit then that was what we needed to base our decision on, and God would help take care of the finances. We've landed ourselves back in a very expensive city, but with a much greater sense of joy than we had previously. And the fact that he did a rotation in OB this summer as part of his Nurse Practitioner program--he's also been the recipient of many questions throughout my pregnancy and is always able to calm me down after a frustrating doctor's appointment!

X: Xaris
I've used this word in the past, but there are only so many "X" words! Xaris is the Greek word for "grace" and we have been the recipient of some amazing grace this year! We have eaten way more meals at other people's tables than we'll ever be able to repay. We've been hosted on couches, air mattresses, and hide a beds. We were taken in by total strangers for an entire month while we waited for an apartment here in LA. We had a good friend fly up to Seattle just to drive our uhaul down I-5 with my husband so I didn't have to do the drive twice in a month. We've been thrown baby showers, surprise parties, welcome and goodbye parties. We've had family members purchase us plane tickets to family events we otherwise would not have been able to attend. We've had incredible friends spend a lot of their precious time on the phone with us as we've processed our painful year. I even had a friend drive from Portland for one night just to spend time with me and take me to get a pedicure. As I look back I see so many signs of God's grace demonstrated through the friends and family around me, and I am so grateful.

Y: Yes
In the midst of all the chaos and tough stuff in our year, God sent us one resounding "yes!" in the form of a positive pregnancy test taken May 5th. And God has continued saying "yes" as we've prayed for good health for me and for Aidan, for the right medical care to be made available, and for great family support during this time. Finding out your are expecting a child and then loosing your job a month later, having to go through a job search process, sell the house, pack, move, and then unpack and resettle in all in a few months felt like a lot, but every time I felt our little guy move I've been reminded that this is the year when God said "yes" to one of my dreams.9 week ultra sound...our little blob with a heartbeat!
Z: Zelzah Avenue

The street that our new church is on is conveniently named with a Z, as if they knew I'd be struggling with this letter someday and would need a word to use! In all seriousness though, I am so grateful to be living one block from Zelzah (one block from the church--a grand total of a 5 minute walk), and a short walk to the grocery store, Starbucks, Michaels, Menchies (frozen yogurt, my new obsession!) a pharmacy, and a fantastic farmer's market (Sprouts) which are all located on Zelzah. Being back in a place where I can walk to things again is a great gift!

A Song of Reorientation

Disorientation, Reorientation. Feeling lost, discombobulated, confused, sucked into a whirlpool of chaos, followed by a turning right-side up again. We see this pattern over and over again in the Psalms--the psalmist will cry out to God from the midst of a vortex of pain, confusion and fear. He’ll cry to His maker “where are you?? When will you act? Why can’t I find you or hear you or see your face??” His honest, heart-wrenching prayers show us his lostness, in fact there’s an entire grouping of Psalms named by scholars “the Psalms of Disorientation.” These are some of my favorite passages in all of scripture, the prayers that give me permission to cry out to God in the midst of my own disorientation in life.

Thankfully, there is another grouping of Psalms that fill the prayer book of the bible. The Psalms of Reorientation--psalms and songs of praise that turn the confused and lost person back to face the One who is still in control. Prayers and poetry that reorients us and our lives, that helps us turn our faces back towards the One who reminds us that when we pass through the waters of life they will not sweep over us because God is our rock and our redeemer.

As we journey through life I’m learning that it can be difficult to stay oriented sometimes. Life feels chaotic. The world throws a lot at us. Disappointments arise and change occurs sometimes faster than we would care to see. This past year has felt like one giant spiral of disorientation for us. We began work at West Side on Jan. 18, and from day one we found our heads spinning with big events to plan, long-standing traditions to effectively pull off (and not “mess up” as we were told by numerous people), dozens of people to try and keep happy because they all believed themselves to be my husband’s boss, and a system of leadership and power that refused to engage in conversation about anything different, outside the box, or remotely new. By February we were exhausted, and that clear vision that we went in to this church with grew fuzzier and fuzzier. The swirling busyness around us kept us from being able to stay oriented to the vision of youth and family ministry God had given us in our time at Fuller. We found ourselves aimless, disillusioned, and doing everything we could to keep our heads above water. This isn’t to say God hasn’t done, and isn’t doing work within this community, but the way we have come to understand ministry, discipleship, outreach and worship were so vastly different from what was happening there that it became impossible to keep ourselves firmly planted.

The first weekend in June my girlfriends and I went out to spend the weekend on Whidbey Island to retreat away together. As my dear friend, Missy, and I were driving up the island looking for our turn off a song came on her ipod and she said “this is my song of reorientation.” I wasn’t sure what she meant by that and she reminded me of the Psalms--how there are psalms of disorientation and then psalms of reorientation that help us refocus in the midst of feeling lost. She said that this song had become her own personal “Psalm of Reorientation,” and that has stuck with me all these months. The song was called “Our God” and was recorded by worship artist Chris Tomlin. As I listened to the lyrics I found tears springing to my eyes. Life felt so painful at that time (we didn’t know this at the time but it was a week before our time at the church officially ended), and the lyrics of the song washed over my thirsty soul like a beautiful, moisturizing balm.

“Our God is greater. Our God is stronger. God you are higher than any other. Our God is healer, awesome in power, Our God. Our God.”

Simple words. But so true. In the midst of the swirling chaos around us we belonged to a God who was our healer, who was greater and stronger than any power structure, church system, or set of traditions that were thrown at us. As we’ve wrestled through the incredible pain of being abruptly asked to leave a church community, the pain of realizing we trusted people who betrayed us, the confusion of questioning our call to ministry, and the anger and disillusionment we’ve experienced being treated so poorly by someone we thought we could respect in ministry, this song has become a healing chorus for me. I’ve listened to it on repeat a lot, and I’ve come to a place where I am beginning to declare “yes, our God IS greater and stronger and higher and more powerful than anything going on in life.”

Fast forward a few months to October 23, our first Sunday in our new church community. We take our seats and wait for the announcements to be given before we rise to join together for our opening song. A familiar chorus begins to emerge from the pianist’s hands and then the words appear on the screen. “Our God is greater. Our God is stronger. God you are higher than any other...” Two Sundays in a row, our first two weeks here, this was our opening song in worship. Experience after experience has shown us that as we serve here, this place is meant to be a place of reorientation for us. We love it at this church, more than words could ever express. From the schedule and calendar that are in place for the youth department (SO much more manageable for the volunteers and staff!), to the way the senior pastor embraces change, worship, leadership and mentoring, to the refreshing messages we’re hearing every Sunday morning about being open to the Spirit and moving forward and doing church differently.

In the midst of a season of so much chaos and transition and pain we are finding ourselves beginning to feel our feet back on solid ground. We still haven’t moved into an apartment. Our belongings are still in Seattle. I still don’t have a doctor to deliver this baby in 8 weeks. We own nothing for this kiddo other than a box of clothes my grandma has sent. But we are okay with that (most days, some days I cry a lot!). We know that in the next 8 weeks things will continue to fall into place, but more importantly our souls are beginning to find rest. We’re finding ourselves coming out of the whirlpool of the past 10 months, we’re catching our breath, and we’re looking around saying “this feels right again.” Our God is faithful, just as he promised he’d be.

Women Hold Up Half the Sky

There's been a theme that has popped up in my life over and over again in this past year, and I'm not sure what to do with it. It began in January when I had a delightful and leisurely lunch date with my good friend Kelli in LA. She had come up to Pasadena to say goodbye before we moved to Seattle, and we found ourselves talking at length about the California Women's Conference that Maria Shriver organized. Kelli had the opportunity to attend in Oct. of 2010 and she told me story after story of incredible people who came to share their stories, experiences, and passion for seeing women around the world rise up, be given an education, be empowered to say no to sex slavery, have access to basic health care, and begin taking leadership in every area of society. She heard from women such as Justices Sandra Day O'Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsberg about their experiences of rising to two of the highest positions in our country during an era that was skeptical about women in that type of leadership. She learned about the battles they had to fight along the way, the injustices they encountered because of their gender. Kelli heard from Laura Bush, Michelle Obama, Lisa Leslie, and a gentleman named Nick Kristof who co-wrote the book Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide. I was fascinated. I had no idea a conference such as this existed, and that people around the world really were still fighting for women. And honestly, I really didn't realize just how badly women in some places in this world need people to be fighting for them.

I moved to Seattle and we were thrown into 6 months of chaos where all I really thought about was how to keep my husband a teensy bit sane. I didn't really have energy for thinking, reading, or much else. Then, in May I found out I was pregnant and began learning about the nutrition I needed, the amount of water I should be drinking, the prenatal vitamins that would give my baby the extra vitamins he needed (okay, I knew enough to start taking these a few months before we started trying for a baby, so I already had this one under control), and the prenatal care I would be receiving through my health insurance. I realized how easy it all was. When I was hungry, I had a plethora of healthy options for snacks in my fridge. When I was thirsty (which I was ALL the time in the first few months), I had access to unlimited amounts of clean, filtered water. Because I had been taking prenatal vitamins for several months before trying to conceive, I knew that my baby's chances of having spina biffida from a lack of folic acid in my body were drastically lower than other women worldwide. I started feeling like this wasn't really fair, this wasn't right. Of course I was so grateful to have these resources readily available to me, but there were a few nights I sat down to dinner with tears in my eyes thinking of women who were just as pregnant, just as exhausted as I was having to walk miles for buckets of water to quench their thirst, and then haul them back to the house. Our baby was a conscious choice for us--sure he came along a bit faster than we expected, but we knew that financially we could care for him, and we were intentional about deciding we wanted to begin trying for a family. Thousands of women worldwide are pregnant with their 5th or 6th child because of gang rape, or because of complete lack of access to birth control or family planning education. I don't believe any child is a mistake, but I do realize there are hundreds of thousands of families worldwide struggling to feed the mouths they have, let alone provide for new ones. The injustice of all of this has hit me powerfully these past 7 months, and in the midst of this is when I picked up this book Kelli so highly recommended and dove into trying to understand what women were facing worldwide, and how to best empower them.

Half the Sky is a book everyone needs to add to their reading list, but instead of just adding it to our reading lists, we need to let this book change us. We need to begin opening our eyes to the plight of girls and women worldwide. This isn't just a question of whether we think women should be allowed to lead in government or politics or churches, these are life and death issues that face our sisters around the world. The number of women (and really, girls as young as 12) who die from malnutrition, childbirth, AIDS, who are sold into brothels to pay back the debts their family has incurred, is staggering. With the advent of the ultra sound, in several countries where families are struggling to survive, if they find out the baby is a girl they will abort her because she is deemed to be less valuable to the family. (One person Kristof and WuDunn interviewed joyfully exclaimed to them that "we don't have to have daughters anymore!") Girls are disappearing worldwide, in some countries only counting for 100 births to every 120 boys born (girls are either aborted or left to die upon birth because a family has "no use" for them). If that doesn't cause us outrage I have to wonder what in the world will??

The complete lack of voice and power women in some countries have is devastating to their societies. And it doesn't have to be that way! The main thesis of this book that Nicolas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn (who won the Pulitzer prize for their journalistic work on this book by the way) put forth is that if we can educate a girl, entire societies can change. The United Nations Development Program summed up the research that is mounting worldwide about this as "Woman's empowerment helps raise economic productivity and reduce infant mortality. It contributes to improved health and nutrition. It increases the chances of education for the next generation." If girls could be kept in school, it's been proven that pregnancy rates drastically fall, and when a girl does marry and have children those children are taught to read and do basic math (since the moms are the ones raising the kids in the home), and those who are able to read have a much better chance of finding access to some other type of income for their families other than selling themselves. Just the pure act of being educated empowers girls to find their voices, to stand up to family members who try and insist on their being sold into marriage with men three times their age. Research is finding that there is a direct correlation between countries that nurture terrorists and those where women are most marginalized. The reason there are so many Muslim terrorists has little to do with the Koran (if you've read the Koran you know Islam is actually a peaceful religion) but rather it has a great deal to do with the lack of robust female participation in Islamic countries. In fact as our own Pentagon has gained a deeper understanding of counterterrorism, it has become increasingly interested in the grassroots projects such as girls' education. Empowering girls, some in our military would argue, would at least in part, disempower terrorists. We talk a lot about national security around here, what would happen if we put some of our energy into raising the standard of living for women and girls (and thus by default the boys born into those countries) in the countries we deem to be the greatest threats to the US at least just a little?

I don't think this is an issue our churches can continue to ignore. What I loved about this book is that its not hard to read. It's not super academic in style, it's full of individual women's stories, and stories of communities changed because of one young woman being empowered somehow. And there is an entire chapter on "how can we help?" with super practical ways--letter writing to our politicians who get to vote on international spending as well as including huge lists of organizations that are all doing something overseas surrounding the issues women face that we can partner with. I'm planning on starting to figure out the whole letter writing thing--what a simple thing we can all do from home to start urging members of our own government to begin paying more and more attention to what's happening worldwide. I wonder what would happen if a woman's ministry program at a church jumped on board with one of these organizations instead of planning another fashion show or movie night? What would happen if groups of women here in America read this book and decided to act? I'm ready to find out. Grab this book, read it, and pass it on to a friend. Our sisters around the world need someone to start advocating for them.